Self Cannibalism vs Water for Gas: A satirical look at energy saving products marketed today
72Technology - The Magic of our Age
In this age of rising fuel and food prices, people are seeking ways to economize. Two new (or at least suddenly popular) techniques are gaining attention as people try to find ways to increase the energy they get out of their machines - whether mechanical and biologically based.
Both of these amazing new products claim that they have found ways to use the energy from a machine to increase the energy of that self-same machine, basically creating energy from itself. This is amazing technology, like magic! I love magic, so today we are going to have a look at these two new products to see if we can't figure out which one gives us a better bang for our buck.
Some Background
Automobiles are manmade machines brought to their current state by a little over a century of technological development. A human being is a biological machine made by God or by hundreds of thousands of years of evolution, whichever you prefer. In both cases, these machines must have a source of energy to move about and function as they do.
For automobiles, gasoline is the most common source of fuel. For humans food is used. Both food and gasoline are considered to be an "energy source."
Now, the odds are excellent that everyone reading this article is a human being, and there is an excellent chance most of you own an automobile. (If you are not a human being or do not own an automobile, please be assured I mean no offense by excluding you.) Therefore, for those of you who fit into this category, what follows is entirely relevant to you.
I am going to break down the two newly popular energy-increasing products currently being marketed today - "water for gas" and "self cannibalization" - into their core elements so that we can see which one is more effective when it comes to increasing the output of our energy dollars.
First we'll examine the costs involved with starting each program, then we'll look at the cost to use and maintain it, and we'll finish off with long term costs, concluding at that point which program is the most efficient overall. So, without any further adieu, let's begin:
Cost to Start the Program
Water to Gas
The water into gas products claim to convert water into hydrogen which is then added into the fuel system of your car to make it more efficient. The main appeal as they profess is that water is free. The only cost involved is the system itself, which after labor to install, can be anywhere from $50 to $2000 depending where you go and who does the labor to put it in. (For the sake of being super fair to both sides, I will always use the cheapest possibility throughout for both methods under our review.)
- So, the bottom line to get started with a water to gas setup for your car is............ $50.00
Self-Cannibalization
The people promoting self-cannibalization claim that by eating portions of yourself every day in lieu of buying food, you will be able to sustain your normal caloric intake without outlaying any additional dollars for food from the grocery store. The main appeal as they profess is that this food source is completely free. As there is no installation or parts required to start this program, my research indicates that, at least at first, this program's claims are true.
- So, the bottom line to get started with a Self-Cannibalization set up for you is ............ $0.00
Self-Cannibalization is out to an early lead with a net start up cost of $50 less than the water to gas program.
Cost to Run and Maintain
Water to Gas
Once the water to gas system is installed, the only thing you need is water, which many of us get for free. Now, this assumes you aren't running out to the store and buying Aquafina or Evion. This is certainly an option for you - and I know this bottled water is delicious - but, for the sake of this examination, I'm going to assume we're using water from our garden hose or kitchen tap for maximum cost efficiency.
The premise then is to put water into a special tank and have electrolysis generate hydrogen which then can be used as additional fuel, with the only initial possible downside being the addition of extra weight to your car's load in having given your car additional fluid to carry around. Now while it might seem, by following this hydrogen logic through, that once the car is started (using gasoline and stored electrical power from your car's battery at first) that the hydrogen generation could do the rest of the work entirely. Start the car with gas, then let the water-to-hydrogen serve as fuel for the rest of the trip. I mean, why burn gasoline to generate hydrogen when you could start burning hydrogen to generate hydrogen? However, apparently these companies haven't recognized the genius of their own claims so we have to work with what they have thought up so far, which is just a bit of hydrogen for now.
Which is ok, we can still break that down into cost. The claims seen on webpages of some of these products assert that fuel mileage can be doubled by doing this water to gas thing. That's awesome and I'm certain they would never exaggerate, so, let's just get down to the math.
- 1 gallon of gas = (where I am, so that's the number I will use) ............... $4.65
- 1 gallon of water = ................................................................................. $0.00
Let's assume a vehicle that gets 24 MPG and has a 20 gallon tank:
- Distance travelled on full tank without water for gas program .... 480 miles
- Distance travelled on full tank WITH water for gas program ....... 960 miles
------ or looking at it another way--------
- Cost to travel 480 miles without water for gas ............... $93.00
- Cost to travel 480 miles WITH water for gas .................. $46.50
- Total Cost Reduction: ..................................................... 50%
Self-Cannibalization
Ok, since there's no installation involved with this system, and because I'm going to assume everyone here has a knife or some sharp object in their home already, there is no initial outlay at all (break a glass or something if you must). With the self-cannibalization program you can get started right away.
The simple premise is that, rather than buying all that expensive food you can just carve off a piece of yourself and eat that instead. The human body needs nutrients to keep moving about through its daily routine. What better way to do that and save money than to eat yourself!
Besides being an entirely free source of energy, like the water is for the water to fuel program, this product does not require that you add any additional weight to the machine. You won't be carrying any more weight than you already were. In fact, you will actually be cutting off body mass and thereby making yourself look leaner and more appealing than before.
(It should be noted that any promises of increased attractiveness assume that the portions taken from the user's body be selected from areas generally covered by clothing and kept out of view. Some part removal may result in hideous wounds and/or disfiguring scarring. Self-Cannibalization Inc. does not accept responsibility for personal aethetics or the success or lack of thereof in dating or relationship maintenance in any way shape or form.)
Self-Cannibalization claims to increase food dollar efficiency by 100% as they, unlike the water to gas people, recognize and are willing to assert that their product is entirely self-sustaining. They admit that you can sustain the program "even longer" if you augment it with food from the grocery store, but they are willing to point out that at least their program is capable of sustaining itself for a time completely on its own. So, let's cut to the math.
- Cost of 1 day's food without Self-Cannibalization program (average use, 1 human) .... $15.00
- Cost of 1 day's food WITH Self-Cannibalization program ... $0.00
- Total cost reduction ................................. 100%
While water for gas has a nice 50% reduction in cost, Self-Cannibalization comes in as absolutely free. Once again Self-Cannibalization appears to be the smarter choice. But there are still other elements to review.
Possible Side Effects / Additional Costs
Ok, before we get to the net results, we have to be honest with ourselves. There's an old saying that goes, "The only free cheese comes in a mousetrap," so we have to wonder about these two amazing products at least a little before we try them out.
Self-Cannibalization side effects and extra costs
One obvious problem with this method is going to be that eventually you are going to run out of parts to eat. So, you're either going to have to go to the grocery store eventually and will have just gained a bit of time without having to buy food, or you're going to have to find some replacement parts. This is something that the Self-Cannibalization people aren't so quick to point out; it's where the mousetrap springs.
So, as your body starts running out of parts to cut off and fricassee, and assuming you don't want to go back to the grocery store, you're going to have to go to the hospital instead. We all know that organ donors are in short supply, and you may find out when you get there that you have to wait in a very long line. Anyone living back during the ‘70s can tell you waiting in line for fuel sucks. And even if you don't have to wait in line, everyone knows how expensive medical procedures have become. You think food and gas are expensive, hah, wait till you go see your local surgeon and try to buy and have installed a couple of new kidneys, some intestines and maybe some thigh muscles and quadriceps. And, sadly, medical insurance companies are too short sighted to recognize the value of Self-Cannibalism yet and they are adamant that they will not pay. More self-serving corporate greed at work!
Which means you may be forced to do your transplants on your own. Getting the parts won't be too hard if you have a look around. If you don't like your spouse too well, or have neighbors or even a boss you don't care for all that much, you can probably get your parts for free (unless you are unwilling to extract the parts yourself, then you will have to pay the hitman's fees, which are high, but still likely less that at the hospital). After that, the costs are simple really, running you a few needles and some thread to sew your new parts back on until you need to eat them all again. Needle and thread are items you can get from your local drugstore for minimal costs if you don't already have them in your house.
So, ultimately the long term maintenance of the Self-Cannibalization program isn't all that bad as long as you're willing to do the parts acquisition by yourself.
Water for Gas side effects and extra costs
The water for gas program is much easier to maintain in terms of the amount of personal effort involved. All you have to do is refill the bottle with water from time to time. Now, some of us have water meters, so this might add to the cost a bit, but that cost is so negligible I'm willing to let it go.
The only real problem, outside of the fact that all the savings claims are based in what these companies say and completely ignore some fundamental laws of physics and chemistry, is going to be the wear and tear that burning hydrogen will cause.
Your car was designed to burn gasoline not hydrogen. Hydrogen burns much hotter than gas and the metals in your car were simply not designed for that kind of heat. Valves and pistons and all kinds of metal stuff deep inside your car are going to become brittle and inclined to crack or break. Unfortunately, most of these parts are way, way far inside of there, so unless you are a skilled mechanic, you won't be able to replace these parts yourself. Generally, they don't come cheap to buy.
You might be able to get them off your neighbor's car, or your wife's or your boss, kind of like you can do with the cannibalization method up above, but you still have to know how to get them out and then put back in. With the Self-Cannibalization method, at least you will have been practicing on yourself removing parts; water for gas gives you no kind of similar experience.
Conclusion
In the end, it seems that the Self-Cannibalization program is totally the way to go. First off, it actually can sustain itself completely, at least for awhile, unlike the water for gas systems being sold around the Internet. If a system can really create energy from itself, it should be able to self sustain. If it can't then it is just a hoax, the cheese lying in the trap. Clearly the Self-Cannibalization process is in the end the better of the two, although it still has some obvious flaws of its own. I hope this analysis helps you understand how you can find ways to improve the machines that you so often use, or at least helps you recognize what products you should avoid.
Disclaimer
Webster's defines "satire" as:
1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
For anyone too dim to recognize it, the article above is satire. If you start carving yourself up or putting snake oil in your car because you can't fathom the nature of satirical device, well, you deserve what you get. But don't call me. I wash my hands of you.
CommentsLoading...
First; I do not own an automobile, nor do I, after watching so many human beings all these years, admit to being human, either.
Second, you're a deeply disturbed individual. Can I come to your house and be your friend? :) ...OK, how about I just stand in FRONT of your house and PRETEND to be your friend?! =)
Rhym,
thanks for the kind words and I'm glad I could help you pull the meat off of this particular issue's bones. (Oh, and I totally have to type out "percent" at night once it's too dark in my den for me to see that top row any more LOL). Most of my hubs are intended as funny, so I'm glad when someone appreciates the joke.
Constant,
I can't deny the accusation of by being disturbed. When the shoe fits, we must put it on (assuming we have not used our feet already for other things). And of course you may come hang out.
Ah... I'm touched.
Self- cannabalism should be approached very carefully, and only if you have excess fat, skin, muscle and tissue.
Organ meat is alway chancy. Have you taken in to account that his method of supplementing the diet may actually be detrimental to the donor as well as the consumer (which --come to think of it--is the same). The savings in food can be quickly offset by the price of bandaids.
And what if you are a vegetarian? This cannot be done safely unless you are a carrot.
:-)
Hey I just ate all my fingers so I had to have my kid type this for me but Self-Cannibalization rocks. I didn't have to pay that $5 for that box of hot pockets. Suckers! I think I should have picked something other than my fingers to eat though now that I think about it. They were pretty usefull.
That's what I was thinking, Rochelle. This could only be advantageous if you were really fat.
And you know that we men will be eating everything BUT, well, you know. We could be have eaten, with guts, bone and veins showing, half a face with one eyeball hanging and STILL be thinking: Well, you never know... I just might get lucky!
Agro, you choose your fingers first?!?! I hope you're happy. I'm shaking my head and "tsk-ing" very loudly.
That is another reason I regret eating my fingers first constant. Now I don't have a plan B when I don't get lucky!
Just mostly ROFL at all of you. Yes, eating your fingers may not have been ideal. Go next door and get some extras off your neighbor once he falls asleep.
As for the vegan angle, yes, that is troublesome. However, most vegans I know do that because they are opposed to taking the lives of other creatures. The upside of Self-Cannibalism is that you aren't killing any other animals at all.
I just tried that and I did get them off his hands but on the down side I have no idea as to how I am going to pick them up. Any suggestions?
Carry them, in your mouth, one at a time. Any more than that is just gross! Run over there, "pick up" a finger, run back. Repeat 10 times. No whining, either. No one told you to go eating all your fingers willy-nilly! It's your own fault!
I tried that but he keeps kicking me in the head as he's screaming about I cut them off and how he'll need them when he goes to get them sown back on. That guy is always so selfish. He wouldn't let me borrow his TV either. I hate bad neighbors. I mean I already cut them off and all he might as well let me have them.
No one's going to sew them back on for him if he's stupid enough to get them cut off in the first place! The neighborly thing to do is to just let you have them, that's what I say... but, you know, people nowadys... "sigh!"
He was distracted talking on the phone with 911 so I now have them all and he's still on hold. I can probably sew them on with my mouth but how I'm going to get the needle threaded is a problem.
HEY.. Waitaminit! I just thought of somthing about both of these subjects: Does Self-cannibalism CAUSE gas? It might even cause gas and water.
I think you may be on to something.
The gas I can vouch for because right now I'm feeling a little bloated. I didn't realy feel like eatting the last three but I had alread cut them off so what was I going to do.
Love your work! Seriously ROFLMAO.
SHADESBREATH FOR PRESIDENT !!!
You guys are all sick and demented. I love it!
Best compliment I've had all day. Thanks alot
I begin to see an obvious error of omission in my article. I should have pointed out that, in lieu of needle and thread, crazy glue is an option. You can hold the bottle in your stumps and open it with your teeth, using the same method afterward for manipulating new digits etc. as you go along. Just take care not to seal up any key veins and arteries with over application.
While I still believe starting with fingers is perhaps not the best Self-Cannibalism strategy, I should have considered that when I composed this essay. I apologize for this oversight and hope it has not caused any undue effort or stress.
Wow that makes a lot more sense than the silly puddy that I used. Thanks alot Shades breath. Now with a little glue these stolen fingers will be in use in no time.
Your self cannibalism idea may just have grown more legs. (or fingers)
See http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-563
This article discussed the regrowing of human finders by application of a powder made from pigs bladder.
So - you could "farm" yourself. An endless cycle of harvesting and regrowing body parts.
I think you're on a winner Mr. Future president. If you can sell this idea to Hubbers, why not the American public !
Wonder what else will grow with the application of this magic powder :-0
Oh sure, Shadesbreath, NOW you're sorry, well, it's a little late for that now, mister! You've got a heck-of-a Silly Putty/Crazy Glue issue to deal with.
Don't you know how impressionable Agro Donkey is?!?! He tried to give himself "laser" surgery once... for near-sightedness... With a real laser!!! "Ugly" doesn't begin to describe it...
As long as it grows fingers I'm satisfied with it.
I'm just glad that I stopped after my left eye Constant. That could have been horrible. My kid can't read yet and she's getting pretty tired of typing for me. I hope that powder gets here soon.
That's it! As Rochelle said, cannibalism causes gas, which is a natural resource! And Eric just showed us how we can regrow ourselves. So, We've got an endless supply!
My God! WE'RE GENIUSES!!!. Don't tell the world... let those selfish bastards fend for themselves, ya...
We've got a think tank here. We can start a secret club! Ya... we'll meet in a big hotel... in Germany. There, we'll solve all the world's problems...
I agree we can sell the powder this hub with a gas collection kit altogether for like 20 grand each and make a killing. Nice thinking Constant. We will all be rich.
I like the idea, but we will need a lot of pig's to do it.
WAIT.... we can feed the pigs powder and have them regenerate their own bladders. WOW.. talk about self-sustaining energy supply! Pig grows bladder, we pull out pig's bladder and make powder, feed some powder to humans for Self_Cannibalization, feed some of it back to pig, who then regrows bladder. Rinse and repeat. Omg, u guys, you realize we are going to be richer than Bill Gates and that Saudi prince who has all the oil right?
We'll have to move quick - while Misha's offline.
He's bound to pour cold water on the whole thing!
OK - lets get rolling. We need to find out who's serious about this. Everyone who wants in please send $100,000 to my paypal address, and I'll get my people to send you an envelope of magic powder in return.
(And don't try anything funny like sending that useless zimbabwean money. Or equally useless US dollars.
Just send to:
paypal@I-Want-To-Grow_Fingers.com
Got to be in good, solid Australian Dollars.
I get my fingers back for free right? I mean without me this would just not be possible.
Agro, best bet if you really want YOUR fingers back is to, well... how do I put this delicately...
Consider turning off the water inflow at the valve behind your commode and then fill the bowl with a garbage bag as you might a waste basket. Then, carry on as usual until, well, you know, nature calls and all that rot. Give the bag a good squeeze, seeking solid mass and, well, perhaps you can actually have your own fingers back.
The only real downside to this technique is if you're one of those chronic "over-chewers." If this is the case, well, you might be out of luck and will have to go back to plan B and just be happy about having access to your neighbor's hand.
This is true but I am glad that I eat fast and chew things as few times as possible.
LOL yes, that is a huge benefit when eating habits play out vs. modern technology. Chewing has passed its time.
Shadesbreath why don't we just eat what's left of the neighbor after we have encouraged him to use highly unstable hydrogen in his car, resulting in the vehicle being blown up. Besides maybe we can kidnap on of the fatter swat team guys when they pitch up to see if the explosion is an act of terrorism! I suggest a fat guy because we can eat him bit by bit for longer and not have the side effects of self cannibalisation ourselves. Its a bit like the sory of the farmer and the prize pig. every time you visit him the pig has one less leg. when I asked him what was ailing the pig, he said: you cant eat a prize pig like that all at once!
PS I offered to find him a cart to put he pig on once it was entirely legless. Any ideas where I can get one?
Great Hub!
Ah yes.
The fantastic pig. One of my favourite jokes!
Geez! Don't you freaks ever sleep?!
Eric, you're shameless. No one's going to fall for that. I'm not sending you a penny more that $50,000, and that's final - USD or nothing!
I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, ya know...
Sixty, I wouldn't mess with the SWAT people. One of them goes missing and they'll just send more. They're like ants. I say we eat Eric... "psst, I think he's trying to pull a fast one."
I know that he is. He was going to charge me to grow my fingers back. What kind of person does that? But I will transfer $1,000,000 in Monopoly money.
Just send USD... pretty soon it'll be the same thing ;)
Well, this was fun. Got to go to work now. Don't eat anyone, or anything (Agro!) till I get back.
Well, Sixty, we can prolongue the process by eating outside ourselves, but that becomes just straight cannibalism. The way around this stigma is by using other people's parts as part replacements, which requires that you have a need. See otherwise we're just plain old cannibals and, well, that would be wrong and beneath our dignity.
OMG...my ears hurt from laughing. But, wait, I can eat them first and solve two problems! Best banter on the hub. You guys rock!
I recommend that you choose what you eat very wisely. It is to late to think it over once you have ate that bady part.
I'll ignore those taunts from those two would be giants of witty repartee, Constant Walker and Agro Donkey.
Except to say that Constant Walker must be a bit dumb, otherwise he'd climb onto the back of Agro Donkey instead of walking everywhere.
This might also give Agro Donkey something to do, other than pondering the regrowth of his non existent fingers. Donkeys have Hoofs! (or Hooves
And if there are any problems with that bank draft for the magic powder, I'll be sending Wayne the leg breaker round to see you.
(They call him that because he keeps falling over and breaking his leg)
Faulty limb like that makes it a great candidate for being the first to come off in a regiment of Self-Cannibalism.
You make a strong argument for Self-Cannablism. I'm convinced! I'll have to gain some weight first though, I only weight 100 lbs. Not much meat.
Gonna have to return my water for gas equipment, too. Too bad, I got it on sale pretty cheap.
Not as cheap as eating yourself. I can guerantee that one.
Well, don't forget you can farm your friends an neighbors once you eat all of your own body parts, so, weight really isn't an issue in the end. Just buys you a little time.
Probably a good call on that second part.
Thanks for playing too, appreciate the comment.
Hmm, guess you're right Argo, I have to think of the long term savings.
Good point, Shadesbreath! I do have a couple of neighbours that might even be willing to donate to the cause. If they really like me. Would save me a ton trouble. I don't have much upper body strength, I doubt I could wrestle them to the ground.
Invite them over and make lasagna, then slip some roofies in between the layers as you prepare the food. That's a great way to farm parts.
Hey I can tell you first hand that neighbors aren't as giving as you would hope. I have like a million lumps on my head from the jerk next door. Jokes on him though I'm using his fingers now and he's still on hold trying to reach 911.
Get his tongue and he won't be able to say anything even after the 911 guys pick up.
Hehe I think it's great how so many people responding to this post are ready to eat their neighbor with "some fava beans and a nice chianti...". Beats the crap out of going to the store, he's right there across the lawn and you don't have to spend money on gas! And by the way as to the whole car, hydrogen ballyhoo; in case somebody actually tries to do that and become the Da Vinci of the short, yellow school bus, please call me so I can mention you to the Darwin awards after your car blows up and shrapnel flies off between your legs and shears off your genitalia. 'Nough said. Peace!!
Eric, good one about the "leg breaker." haha, No more laughing!
As for your other comments, I'm afraid you've incurred the wrath of the secret society - such as it is. I do not yet know what your consequences shall be, but know this! It will be most unpleasant, with a lot of, uh, unpleasantness involved... and in the mean time, I am sending very uncomfortable thoughts your way... you should be receiving them . . . NOW!
While fava beans and chianta certainly sound delicious, it would require a trip to the store and stands, therefore, outside the essence of the program. I believe between you and Agro and Donkey, there is a general inclination towards just plain cannibalism. Perhaps I should write a thread on good recipes for cannibals to suite the obvious demand.
:)
Oh, and Constant, your gift for description was most, erm, descriptive. Thanks for adding to the liveliness of this topic.
I just realized that this hub came out just at the right time for barbeque season.
Eeeewwww!! Cannibalism? Me?!?! Hmmm, in retrospect I guess I have eaten some things that could be loosely attributed to cannibalism in a figurative way. But then again what red blooded american male hasn't? And if this post proves too tacky please let me know cause I can do this all day and the topic is ripe for the plucking hehe.
I'll just keep reading this post then drink my salty tears - great way to start the program.
LOL yes, Pamph that is a good way to ease into it. Bite your tongue next and you're well on your way.
And Bobo, your sense of decorum is perfect and by all means, devour this unsavory subject to your delight. It's all in good fun (except that the snake-oilesque hydrogen stuff is still garbage advice for cars, obviously).
Oh, and Shirley, you are right.... Coincidence? I think not!
(missed your comment somehow before, sorry. Accident more than my being rude, although I am frequently rude too. Just not that time.)
@ Constant Walker:
"sending uncomfortable thoughts my way"
Oh no! I feel like I've been whipped with a feather.
Hang on - that was a different forum conversation methinks!
Anyway, your uncomfortable thoughts arrived, and I sat them down into a comfy leather chair, gave them a double whisky after their long trip, and now they're very comfortable.
So - Is that the worst that the "Secret Society" can do?
Filling up my car with readymix concrete (or surplus fingers) would do a LOT more to gain my attention :-)
Could someone please pass the salt?
Carve more slowly, or with a duller knife and you can spare yourself even that expense! Remember, the point of Self-Cannibalism is cost efficiency!!!
I think we have missed the fact that we can not practice self-cannibalism entirely on our own. Since we can't regrow eaten body parts, it HAS to be a symbiotic relationship with someone else. There are 5 types of sybiotic relationships, but only two really apply.
It can be "mutualism", where both parties benefit. As in maybe one has too much body and wouldn't mind having some of it eaten instead of the bore of diet and exercise. Both win. Or it could be "parasitism", where we are stealing their good body parts to replace the ones we have eaten. Only we win. Which is it going to be?
Is there any way Eric could give ME a double whiskey? I bet Constant Walkers thoughts get plenty already and I could really use one.
You are quite right, Rhym. The program clearly acknowledges the need to farm parts from others, "Parasitism" as you so neatly put it. The only real issue is that the way the program is designed, there are no specifications for accomodating gender as such, and, well, there may be issues when trying to harvest parts that leave us having to settle for body pieces that we don't have the proper wardrobe for. However, in the name of fuel efficiency and the environment, I suppose this is an accomodation we may just have to make. Perhaps odd combinations will prompt garment makers to have to produce new items, thus adding jobs to the economy.
Eric... I got nothin,' Too funny, too late.. for me. Catch me in the morning. Then, your ass is mine! ;)
Oh, interesting choice, CW. So Eric is to be from whence your next parts come. I like to see us keeping our Self-Cannibalization in the HP neighborhood. You can use Eric as the object of Rhym's parasitism, starting with his "ass being yours." Do you guys wear the same size pants? If not, I can try to link some sweats or something through Ebay and milk some coin out of this.
Guys ....all I can add to this is by the way prices of things are going out there ...we may have to do all of the above ...just to get by ...so run for your life. You guys are just crazy ...or is it too much time on your hands? Good "satire." But just for the record from someone who works with nutrition ...our bodies need a lot of calcium ..so don't forget the bones!! :-))))
Well GJC, technically, bones are included as parts, but you're right, I suppose I should have been more specific there in the name of clarity. Basically, the program is designed so that you eat all your parts before even having to venture out to the neighbors, or even just across the kitchen to your spouse. So, bones are certainly included, but I'm very glad you pointed that out. The insight of a nutritionist could be valuable beyond belief.
The people at Self-Cannibalization, Inc. may want to use you for consultation on their next product brochure, are you available for contract work?
Shadesbreath ...I am glad you see the value of my knowledge ...as we would not want the people to go to all this trouble and then end up having a heart attack due to lack of calcium and then they blame the corp for suggesting a poor diet. You see every organ in our body needs calcium too.
What a guy! Thank you for the offer. I think we should form an intercircle of members in order to make sure we do not miss any important issues. You know the deal ...knowledge is power!!! And with the way the country is going ...we may need to come up with a fast start program!!
As I have said before ...."Here's to you!!!" :-)))))) and to your health!
Well, the idea of a think tank has been discussed... you're certainly able to add perspective that we would need. You're hired. I'll send you your contract and pay scale shortly. (Don't quit your day job yet, though, Self-Cannibalization hasn't really taken off financially).
Pretty funny stuff! But one question: WHY CANNABALISM?!!!
Because, in all honesty, Salmon, it's the only thing that accurately parodies what these ridiculous products claim they can do.
If Salmon tried to eat himself, would there be a fishy aftertaste? I think BoborRAMa would taste like lamb. And Shadesbreath would have the minty taste of freshness...
OK I've solved this problem for everyone.
A report released in the last couple of days shows that Aussies are the fattest nation in the world.
And that the people in my home state of Tasmania (The land down under the land downunder) are the most obese in Australia.
So - It's logical that if you move down here, your next door neighbour could provide you with enough nourishment to keep you going for ages. (And it's a win-win situation, because you'd be helping THEM reduce their weight.)
@Rhym - I've given Constant Walker's thoughts another double whiskey in your honour. But I don't think they can take any more!
I fear that we will need to fill up the think tank. Does Hydrogen Qualify or is that just hot air? By the way if we use all the water for hydrogen what will Eric and Constant put in their whiskey? I think we should start with mutual canabalism with a partner of choice. That could be fun fun! and at least we could start gently and not end up with a finger lunch for Agro.
Well I don't think we should completely write off fingers, some fingers are delicious: lady fingers and butter fingers as a pair of fine examples. Just not our own. We'll have to draft more women into our think tank and get some butter.
Sure make fun of the guy who ate his own fingers. I see how you guys are, but where were you to say "Don't eat your fingers" before I ate them. Nowhere to be found that's where. If it wasn't me who did it first one of you would have done it and been in the same situation and you know it. It's easy to say what a bad idea once you see how it turns out.
Yes, but you have to ask yourself, Donkey, that were we in your shoes and you in ours, how would anything be different but the names? Mockery and stumps in the end no matter how you slice it. :P
I may not be human (see avatar), but I do own a car. I have no need for self canibalism, as jackalopes are known to eat their young (and anything else that strays too close to their mouths). I have adopted your neighbor-farming idea to save money on gas, though. I simply harvest the fuel from their cars, under cover of darkness. The only start-up cost is for a short length of garden hose. I have, on occasion, been forced to eat bits of neighbors who protested, though. I don't understand why they protest. Don't they know I have places to go?
lol. You're lucky that you are a jackalope, you can run fast enough to catch your neighbors if they run. Huge advantage in the program. The siphoning gas thing is more problematic. Doesn't sucking the gas through the hose at first to get the siphon started give you bad breath? I mean, don't have a candle light dinner afterwards. Could be hard on your date's hair do.
This is so sick! I love it! What about vegetarians though? I'm surprised no one has thought of harnessing the alternative fuel that is naturally emitted when one eats way too much fiber and no meat at all. This would render self-cannibalism unnecessary and we could all fuel our own vehicles with our own, um, emissions.
Not that vegetarians aren't absolutely delicious in their own right.
You could go a lot of different directions with it.
Actually, Rochelle Frank was dancing around that very thing somewhere back up there. You two think alike... not surprising that you two amongst the most hilarious people writing around this place.
Great idea pgrundy.
Do we have a cartoonist amongst us who can draw a picture of someone driving an SUV eating a can of beans, with a tube going from their bum to the engine.
Who said there was no such thing as perpetual motion.
And extra hoses and cans of beans could be supplied to passengers for extra performance.
Oh lord. I can see that cartoon in my head.
Draw it! You must! You must!
So where have Constant Walker and the Donkey disppeared to?
Hope they haven't eaten too many bits of themselves, and are unable to use a keyboard any more :-()
- Or maybe they're walking to Tasmania.
Hope you both passed the "Treading Water for an Extended Period" course.
It takes a lot of work to harvest your neighbors for spare parts and I guess you are right about me laughing at you for eating your own fingers. This is just another story that begins with the phrase "It seemed like a good idea at the time."
Well Eric, there's Agro now.. so we know who ate whom at least. And for Pgrundy, I confess to lacking the gift of cartoons, or I would.
Speaking of self-cannibalization, people might have to be a little careful due to the fact that insurance companies probably void policies based on self-mutilation. Or at least have a back-up plan explanation. Something like getting attacked by your lawnmower, mauled by rabid beavers, or falling in a woodchipper.
OMG! Are you bunch of degenerates still at it? I'm "LOLing... out loud." Eric, leave me alone. I ran out of material. I'm just not as endlessly warped as the rest of you.
And besides, SOME of us have other twisted endeavers to tend to; like writing a hub about vampires, playing bloody war games, trying to patch that damned blow-up dol... I MEAN...hiking, ...yeah! ...to visit lonely nuns... in an old-folks home... yeah.
But it is fun to watch degenerates at play.
That's true!
I may just watch you bunch of freaks... never commenting. You won't even know I'm there... like some ghoul, peeking through the window... gleefully giggling to himself...
OK, this just got interesting again.
I'm leaving now. Never to return... yeah...
Ok, I should warn you, should you choose to peek through my window, I doubt there'd be much "gleeful giggling." Maybe shock and aesthetic trauma, even nausea, but glee seems a bit optimistic.
I have heard that Agro Donkey wears Lederhosen when he watches TV though.
@ Constant Wanker
Repairing a blow up doll to take to aged nuns in an old folks home ? ? ?
And you reckon WE'RE wierd !
btw I see that you're a drummer - or used to be.
I played kit drums when I was a kid, and do taiko drumming now. Have you heard of that?
Her's a clip from a recent workshop where we were mucking around a bit:
Oops.
What I wear while watching TV should be of no concern to you but if you must know I am always nude do to the fact that it's broke and all I get is the Playboy channel
Consider leather lederhosen.
Considered and enjoyed!
Damn-it, you guys! I can't silently watch and lurk if you're going to make me laugh. No more funny-business! This is CHAOS... we don't, uh, "funny-business" here.
Eric, I have heard of taiko drums. Very fun! Have you ever seen BLUE MAN GROUP? Percussionists extraordinaire (SP?)! Watch this. It's a clip from their "How to be a Rock Star" tour: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=So5eEjwjLLM I bought the DVD for a family member for Christmas last year, and their STILL thanking me for it.
I just watched that. Those guys are intense.
Costs a little more at the outset, but installing a zip in the abdominal wall just over the liver is the best option. Because, of all internal organs, the liver is best at reconstituting itself. When peckish, open the zip, slice off a little, fry (with onions & garlic). This is wholly sustainable, if you eat one liver meal every second day, and allow alternate days for reconstitution, eating supermarket food.
With four like minded individuals, you can have dinner parties, comparing livers...
Wow, see, that is just well researched biology. I love when people commit some mind to the problem. The liver is so much a better choice than this whole finger thing.
Ha! at last we know where Hannibal Lecter is. Paraglider I unmask you!
How about some Chianti and Fava beans with that liver and who will we invite to dinner, after Clarice that is. I understand that is reliably reported that humans taste like pork! So pork and beans it is.
Tastes like CHICKEN!
You're all absolutely a sick and disgusting bunch of individuals. I'm proud to belong to hubpages with you all...yet ashamed that I haven't had the time to check out this hub and contribute before now...A question in my mind, are we the other white meat, or red meat...I'd really like to know what wine to pair me with...zs
Woah Sixty, nice eye there man. Hannibal Lecter right here amongst us and nobody knew. No wonder Para's idea made so much sense, he knows ALL about this. And since C.S pointed out that it does taste like chicken, I can assume, Zsuzy that there are at least some white meat portions to be had. If we're like a turkey - and I assure you most of the people I work with are turkeys - then there will goodly portions of both.
Nope, I don't think Para's Hannibal. Dr, Lector is much too smart to nibble on himself, although I'm sure he wouldn't be above a taste, just for curiosity's sake. Hannibal's addicted to the taste of other people. But Para clearly knows biology. I'm thinking ...the immortal spirit of... DA-DA-DUN! Jack the Ripper!!!
Wow, I'm glad I gave up my career as a prostitute then.
The world will be a much sadder place now.......unless you consider pro bono work. Do you think it is a coincidence that the name Paraglider is very similar to Parasite. I think not.
ROFL... I ain't touching that one (but I thunk it LOL).
And, that Parasite thing bodes consideration. Could be a sneaky serial killer alias. We're watching you, Para.
Para has remained far too silent on this one.
Shades Sorry you had to give up your prime source of income but I hope the bucks 'for writing are rolling in but shades (dont hold your) breath!
Paralytic, has been known - parasite, I hope not. Paranormal - absolutely! That's where I took my name from - The Paranormal Hotel in Dubai. Things as strange as here happen there, and it is full of 'ladies' as they prefer to call themselves. Shadesbreath, this could be a place to relaunch that oldest career...
Weird - the comment appeared twice. So I've edited the second one. But I've got nothing more to say. Oh well...
So now we know Hannibal is in Dubai trying to tempt shades to cgo there yum yum!
Sixty, I think you're right: Hannibal. And did you notice he had "nothing more to say"? ...Disturbing, me thinks.
Has anyone noticed that this hub on been on page 1 and 2 on the list for quite a while? Just goes to show what a group of deviant minds can accomplish with too much time on their hands, ay?
Not quite Dubai, but nearly, and very much in the Gulf. And at 47C today (117F), I'm wondering about experimenting with iced liver for a change. What do you reckon?
I meant to say "Hot" list, earlier.
Iced liver - with spiced rum - sounds marvelous.
Oh, yum, with a sprinkling of ground finger nail to bring in that flavor we all seem to crave most!
(and yes, deviant minds ftw!)
Iced liver and strawberry daquiri would be even better with the dressed fingers (minus the nails for the ground spice) as an hor's de'ouvre!
Man, there we go with the fingers again. Who's going to prepare this dish if we start hacking off fingers again? You guys are like finger addicts. There has to be a ten step program or something for you people, sheesh.
... But then, you don't have fingers, so you'll loose track of where you are on the program once the step count gets past two. (Don't tell me you'll use your toes, because you have no way to untie your laces now to get them off).
You guys absolutely amused the crap out of me. I laughed so hard I am glad I didn't wake the kids.
Question, now that I have crapped, is that edible? and if I can't go to the store, would urine work instead of chianti?
Nearly everything is edible Donna, it becomes more an issue of nutritional value and taste at this point.
Thanks for visiting my page. I sure respect your comments and you are an excellent article writer. I think your analogy is original, although from my understanding of the physics and chemistry, the technology should work provided there is enough energy to isolate the Hydrogen electrons from the Hydrogen atom. The resultant energy from breaking this chemical bond is what gives the fuel such incredible efficiency. The wear and tear on the car...I'll have to do some research on that. Thanks again for your comment.
No prob, thanks for stopping by. While you're reading up, check out how much energy is lost in the conversion and out of containment. It's a fun idea, but there's a reason the guys who stand to make a ton of money producing hydrogen vehicles haven't done it cheaply yet.
Well, I'll tell you this, the plumber down the street is using one. His 9000 lb plumbing truck (diesel) is getting 21 mpg. Up from 11 mpg. His unit works. Also, you use distilled water, not tapwater, and all low carbon stainless for metal parts. I've asked him about damage to the engine. He's noticed no problems thus far.
The early stages of many fatal diseases don't manifest right away either.
These "systems" are bad science, it's a scam, and hubpages is talking about banning that garbage from its pages for the benefit of it's users / readers. These kits reek of snake-oil and anyone who says otherwise is selling one.
did you actually try one of these before you blasted them with your self canalabism bit? trying to save the planet is not a waste of time! this technology works when used properly
They do not work as advertised. There is a difference between something that "does something" and something that "does what it supposed to do." These devices DO perform electrolysis, just as the little battery operated systems children use in junior high science class do. So, I will agree that they "work" as you say in that they do "do something." Unfortunately, activity should not be confused with value, i.e. they aren't "doing what they are supposed to do" or what they claim to do, and they completely omit what they do wrong.
While the process of eloctrolysis works, the process as implemented for automobiles by these absurd rip-off "systems" does not. I do appreciate and respect your proclaimed desire to save the world, but I have tell you that your faith in these contraptions is misplaced and misled. A rudimentary grasp of physics and a dash of common sense is enough to see the reality of this if you can put aside your desire to do good for the Earth and your need for an affordable tank of gas.
Congratulations Shadesbreath-- on this highly attractive hub. The water for gas idea obviously has attracted attention.
I am sure that there are technologies that have been squelched by big business which might be practical and economical. The genuine ones will find their way into the market. We need not cannibalize ourselves, hopefully.
Heh, yeah, for sure Rochelle. Good automotive ideas don't need to be multi-leveled like this silliness is. The amazing thing is how hope makes people so willinglingly gullible.
Real technologies are developing rapidly, and countries like India and Japan will profit from anything stupid American companies are too short-sighted to develop on their own. Most of the US companies figured that out though, many way late, but still, they're on it too.
:(
Can we go back to the silly stuff?
Personally, I could never self-cannibalize..*wince*...that is painful and pain is never good unless it gets you a vicodin prescription.
And thanks to all you twisted wack jobs...I can no longer use my favorite rebuttal..."Bite Me!"...without the fear that one of you might misconstrue it as a dinner invitation.
spryte
As a daddylonglegs I find "Bite me" an attractive proposition partcularly if I can stop your lawyering in the matter of madame blackwidow! However, shadesbreath I dont want to have a meal on your hubspace but I am amazed at the longevity of this hub. It is still a great hub!
Yeah Spryte, say Bite Me around my hubs and you'll be swarmed by insects or cannibals... or cannibal insects given the whole BW thing... either way, I dare ya! I'll film it and make a youtube video to anchor my next hub, "Girls Gone to Digestion."
And yeah, Sixty. Me too. This one chugs along. I reckon its because the carpetbaggers are still out there doing their thing, so the term still gets searched.
You are one sarcastic individual and that's one reason I like reading your hubs. This is another good one and something tells me you've read Johnathan Swift's A Modest Proposal.
Heh, yah, for sure, although any cannibal inspiration would have had to percolate through my subconscious. The comparison inspired itself based on the premise these guys are trying to sell. "A Modest Proposal" was great, and if you like that attitude, I bet you liked Voltaire's "Candide" too. Two of my favorites. Sarcasm rules!
LOL! to both Shade & Sixty! Please...no Girls Gone to Digestion though.
Geesh...defend one helpless spider...
helpless spider = oxymoron. Any bug weighing like 2 oz. that can make 1oo to 400 lb animals (humans) run for cover cannot be considered helpless, so basically you're trying to back the "big dog" in the fight, which gains you no quarter.
Yeah...but you can't squish a saint bernard beneath your shoe. :P
True, but both can be destroyed from a distance with flame throwers.
Damn. I can't find fault with that logic...
You win for now.
Flame Throwers? Shessh that will roast em but good! What about while and guile Arsenic and old lace a far more genteel way to go!
That's an excellent technique, Sixty, and gives evidence to your secret life as a double-secret agent... BUT... have you ever tried to get a spider to eat Arsenic? I mean, what do you do, inject it into a male spider, slather him with, what, fly-scented cologne and throw it at a female spider? Seems easier to just douse him with fire.
"Seems easier to just douse HIM with fire"
True...why have spider tartare when you can have it cooked extra crunchy!
Ugh, bad pronoun usage strikes again. /sigh
But, yeah, I, uh, prefer my spider meat cooked for sure.
In order to get BW1 (or is that BW2) to ingest the arsenic, you take him out for a drink. and slip him the arsenic micky while mopping your brow with the old lace kerchief. OMG what am I saying. I plead the 5th, hubpages made me do it.
I am doing hub cross dressing again
Besides I am not much into flambeed arichnids.
If you can get enough of them pushed together in a ball, a little batter and deep frying makes them quite palateable. Very good with a dip, made from fireflies!
Sounds like a great "light" snack, BT!
(Sixty told me to type that...he's still trying to hide from his Arsenic and Old Lace reference)
LOL you're bad Spryte.
And it's too late Sixty, you let the cat out of the bag. Now we know how you roll.
BT, go with tarantulas and you don't need that many to make a nice snack.
Ya...well I kissed a lotta kittens last night to make up for my badness.
**Warning: Shameless Self Promotion**
I'm not above shamelessness either, so I admire your initiative. I'll go have a peek.
Nui015590122:
I would have left your comment up here, but you put a link to your dumbass scam website. You have to be smoking some really good stuff to think you could actually promote your site with a link on THIS hub.
Feel free to argue with me about the merits of water for gas if you'd like - I promise you can I destroy your false claims with physics and chemistry (and common sense), but I will let your comments stay. I will not, however, let you post links to further your defrauding of the public on my hub. Sorry.
I'm agree with pqrundy he is right... but very usefull mattrials....
This is all in GOD's plan. That is why he gave us an appendix. People used to say that it was useless, but in the future they will see that it is both delicous and nutrituous.
In the future advanced stem cell science will allow us to grow even more useless body part purely for consumption.
Imagine the efficiency at that point? It will be awesome. We can eliminate starvation completely from the world! Swift's proposal has NOTHING on this!
Hey Shadesbreath, I'm a bit tardy with the read and comment but I must say.."brilliant"! In these crucial times when out of the box alternative energy ideas are desperately needed I applaud your forward thinking. I know the name of a good venture capital firm that can help you develop your self-cannibalism energy project if you're interested :)
LOL, darn, where were you when this idea was hot? I coulda been RICH. Heh heh.
I was so ticked off at the water for gas hubs that were all over HP at the time, extreme sarcasm was all I could muster. :D
Rhym O'Reison 3 years ago
You are awesome and I loved this 100 percent. (Couldn't find the symbol fast enough and lost patience) This article could not have come at a better time for me as I was just about to try these methods,.....Youtube. They DO NOT tell you you about all the hidden costs and then there is all the time and effort that will be needed to keep up the program. Thanks to you I will not become a cannibal, self or otherwise, and will spread this message in a spam-blasting e-mail to everyone I know.
Seriously, this hub rocks and put me in a great mood. Can't wait to read more.