Vlad the Inhaler
81Disclaimer
Alright, once again I have literally stolen my story from Christoph Reilly. I really do need to stop that, but, well, he's creative and I'm not, so it's much easier to steal his work than do my own. Again I have changed exactly those small details as to make it difficult for him to sue me, but that's about it. My lawyer has suggested I provide a link to his story to prove that I am not hiding from the similarities. (Link to story I ripped off: "The Night Captive Part 2: Blood Lust.")
Vlad the Inhaler
Tracing the gentle curves of Earth’s bosom, the sun slipped a finger of light through the velvet slit between the curtains of Vlad’s room, ejaculating a luminous shaft upon the rug and leaving as a token in the otherwise dark apartment a golden pool of light that glimmered mockingly then evanesced away. Night had come.
Vlad sat upon the edge of his bed and snarled at the wan light, watching the circle fade. A true vampire, his contempt for the sun, even a sun in retreat, irked him. Feral teeth shone blue-black in the dimness as the room grew dark again.
He turned and ran slender fingers through the soft auburn tresses of a lifeless female form lying beside him, allowing a smile to play upon his lips. So beautiful. Skin soft and pliant. She’d given herself to him without complaint, unresisting, wholly last night. But she was cold. She lay face down, nestled in the tumult of last night’s bedding, silken sheets gathered in wrinkles and piles around her nakedness, framing her as if for a photograph.
He turned from her and watched the orange gauze of sunset through the slit in the curtains, watched the sun die a red death upon the horizon. He stood. Not tall and not broad at the shoulders or chest, he was a diminutive figure in the dark, a body destined for a life of shadows and darkness. He went to the closet and donned his hunting clothes. Black trousers, white button-down, black waistcoat and a long black cape lined with crimson silk. The soles of his polished shoes would make no whisper when he walked.
He walked the streets glancing only once at the half moon above as it ducked and wove round the pillowy clouds trying to smother it. Good hunting weather.
He passed rows of shabby tile-roofed buildings, avoiding the circles of light that flickered around gas lamps set regularly along the cobbled street. A cat called piteously from an alley, caterwauling and awaiting the attention of its owner, a bowl of warm milk and a place beside the fire.
Vlad walked past it all, peering through windows in search of prey. He came to the base of a long hill and climbed the winding road slowly. His breathing grew heavy with the effort; he was weakened for need of blood. He stopped half way up, his hand reaching for his waistcoat pocket and trembling, but he resisted, fought back the urge and pressed on.
Then he saw her. Motion caught his eye from the second story of a shabby, grey-planked inn as she moved across the backlit frame of an open window, little more than a flash of pale bare skin. Ghostly almost in the darkness, she was lovely; he could tell with certainty despite what little he had seen.
He paused and scented the air, nostrils expanding, drawing in the aroma of warm blood coursing through her veins, sweet red currents, wine of the undead. He felt his heart start to race as anticipation took him. He moved to the door, but stopped. The innkeeper would ask questions. He was not in the mood for questions. Not in the mood to kill beings beneath his dignity.
Glancing over his shoulder, he slunk round the side of the inn into the blackest shadows and, with a word, transformed himself to his bat form, his slight human body becoming mouse small with wings that unfolded like leather kites and carried him aloft. He darted triumphantly from the alley, soared out over the street and swung round, dove into the window through which the nubile and naked beauty had so recently been exposed.
He struck the screen with such force he was nearly knocked out. His little bat body bounced back and tumbled down the roof tiles like a wounded bean bag, his wings whumping audibly as he pattered noisily downward and lodged firmly in the rain gutter, stuck sound.
“Son of a bitch!” he said, though the words sounded naught but a squeak upon his batty lips. “When the hell did they install screens?”
It took him a few moments to regain his composure, but soon he set himself to the task of extricating himself from the rain gutter in which he was fairly wedged. He flapped and thrashed for some time, squeaking inarticulate profanities that echoed down the metal drainpipe and trumpeted feebly into the night, until, at length, he acquiesced to the futility of his circumstance.
Face pressed into the bottom of the rain gutter as it was, little bat rump pointed skyward and not enough legs to give any sort of thrust, it became obvious that his only hope of escape lay in resuming human form. He sighed, a whole bodied thing that swelled his furry bat body briefly tighter in its trap. Knowing well this was not going to turn out pleasantly, he made the shift.
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The weight of his body tore the gutter loose from the roof, and he fell to the ground with a cacophonous crash of hollow aluminum drain-piping and a litany of profanity. Landing on his back with a thud, he had what little wind he still possessed torn from him. He gasped and felt the familiar clutch of alveoli slamming shut, his lungs defiant despite his body’s demand for air.
“God damn it,” he said for the fortieth time in less than a minute. He tried to resist the urge again, still wanting to preserve the dignity of the night, but he could not breathe. His gasps risked becoming audible. He reached into his waistcoat pocket and pulled out the little white “L” of his inhaler and placed it to his lips. With a squeeze and “thwwwk” of expelled mist, he drew his asthma medicine into his lungs, felt the cold relief turn warm inside of him as his airways opened up again. He took the time to let his breathing return to normal before putting his inhaler away.
“Son of a bitch,” was all he said.
He looked up into the window, listening, certain that his victim had heard all the noise, but she was not there. He could hear the sound of a shower running somewhere inside the room. Huzzah! There was still a chance. She had not heard. He would still dine tonight! Still taste her.
He considered climbing the lattice on the side of the inn, but his arms were thin and his enthusiasm for feats of physicality had abated some with the debacle as a bat. He went to the front door and entered the inn.
“Can I help you?” greeted the innkeeper in a merry voice.
Vlad gave his most rictus hiss, fangs bared and both hands raised talon-like before him. With a subtle quiver of his head to lend ferocity to his breathy snarl, he turned and stalked up the stairs menacingly, the silken underbelly of his cape flickering in the lamp light as he whirled and went away. The innkeeper’s chin retracted, his round face pulling back into his fleshy neck as he frowned a wide, fat frown. “Odd duck, that,” he muttered and went back to his newspaper and tea.
Vlad found her room. He placed his hand upon the knob and his ear against the smooth wood. He could still hear the hiss of the shower spout, could picture her naked in the steamy wet. He drew in a long, hungering breath. He turned the knob slowly so as not to make a sound. It was locked.
“Shit.”
He tried the other way, but it was still locked. He jockeyed it back and forth a few times, making more noise than he wanted. Still it would not budge. He swore silently in his mind.
He leaned away, still holding the door knob but tilting away to the fullest reach of his slender arms. With a great heave, he threw himself against the door. Pain shot through his shoulder and down his arm. “Oh,” he cried, wincing and grinding his teeth. “Son of a…” He forced himself to silence. Jeezus that hurt. Wow. What was that thing made of, black oak for God’s sake? Who the hell put doors like that in a village inn?
Just then the maid came along, an ancient old crone pushing a rickety room service cart. “Can I help you?” she asked, her accent heavy and speaking the “h” with a throaty, almost “k” sound.
“Um, yes,” he said, his vampire mind ever quick as the night. “I’ve lost my room key, can you help me out?”
“Oh chur,” she said. “I wheel let ju een.”
He stood impatiently as the woman opened the door and then tottered on down the hallway. “Thanks,” he said and slipped inside, catlike and silent. He pushed the door closed and stalked towards the sound of the shower still audible across the room.
The door was half open. He could see the shower curtain drawn, steam rising thick from behind its blind, and the mirror obscured with fog. He could smell jasmine soap and blood. His heart began once more to race.
He slipped into the humid space and allowed himself a moment more to scent his prey before drawing back the curtain to expose her nakedness, sublimely feminine, glistening and wet. “Hah, hah!” said he, lowering his voice an octave and injecting a Transylvanian accent as best he could. “Good evening! You are mine!”
She turned and regarding him coolly, a querulous eyebrow raised. She had a tattoo of a Pit Bull on her right tit. It was extraordinarily large and the expression on its face was almost bored. She punched him in the mouth twice in rapid succession. Bam. Bam. He stumbled back and hit his head on the wall. Bam. She hit him again and he actually heard his left fang bounce into the sink with the clink of enamel on porcelain.
She drew back her fist to punch him again, but he raised his fierce talon-like hands up, fingers splayed and begging her to stop with wide apoplectic eyes. “I give, I give!”
She frowned at him and shook her head, seemingly confused, while water and steam glazed her perfect body and the Pitt Bull stood steady guard upon her shimmering breast. “Get out,” she said, fist still cocked.
“Okay, okay. Just let me find my tooth.” He turned and sought his incisor in the sink. Spotting it luckily stopped against the stopper in the drain, he plucked it out and quickly turned and fled.
Out in the darkness once more, the night air cooled the steam that lay upon his skin. He took out his inhaler and drew in a long burst. The hunt was not going very well. His mouth really hurt, and it was going to cost a fortune to get that tooth put back in again. He sighed.
He moped his way back down the hill, kicking pebbles and cursing the fate that had woven him such a sorry fate. He heard the cat once again yowling in the alley just down the street. He was still hungry. How humiliating. Left to feed on animals.
He moved into the alley and spotted the cat right away near the back. He hoped he wouldn’t have to give chase. He had so little of the hunter left in him tonight. But the cat came right up to him and wound itself round between his feet. It purred loudly. He picked it up and held it to his bosom, stroking it softly for a while. He didn’t want to do it. It was too humiliating. But he could smell its blood, could hear its tiny heart beating inside, pushing nourishment through the hot tributaries of its veins. He was starving.
He raised the kitty to his lips and bit in. He winced a little as the tender hole where his fang had been gave him a jolt of pain. He drew the warm sustenance from the cat, closing his eyes in the ecstasy of satiation and sucking its blood into his mouth. So he didn’t see the light come on.
The door opened a moment after that and an old woman stepped out into the alley with a bowl of warm milk in her hand. “Wilhelmina,” she called to her pet, but discovered suddenly that her poor kitty was in the hands of Vlad. “Oh my,” she gasped, then, more loudly, “Stop, stop! Stop I say!”
Vlad’s eyes popped open at her appearance and for the second time that night he found himself being charged by a woman, albeit this one a good forty or fifty years the senior of the last.
“Put my pussy down,” she cried. “Let her go!”
Vlad turned and ran, but did not let go his meal. The price of this evening’s sustenance had been too dear. The old woman gave chase. “Wilhelmina, Wilhelmina,” she cried. “Help, help. Someone help me. He’s eating my pussy.”
Vlad dashed out into the street. The cat bit him and clawed him so furiously he had to let it go. “Shit!” He turned to run towards home, but saw two young men coming round the nearest corner just as he made to sprint.
“My pussy, he’s trying to eat it!” came the shrieks from behind him.
Vlad turned to go back up the hill, but a tall, elegant blonde woman had just stepped out of the house next to the alley on the left and was staring squarely at him with a curious expression dawning on her face.
As the old woman trundled out of the alley behind him the two young men drew near and regarded him severely, their eyes traveling obviously back and forth between the vampire and the irate, gray-haired woman still bellowing about her cat behind his back. “My pussy,” she called again but saw that the cat had got away at last.
Vlad looked left and right, trapped. The pretty blonde woman looked as if she might vomit, but the two young men were not so kind.
“Sicko,” said one.
“Pervert,” said the other.
Vlad at first thought to argue, to defend, but at length decided there was no point. He crossed the street and walked silently home. He sat down on his bed and took off his shoes, tossing his cape onto the floor.
He rolled the motionless female figure on his bed over and stared into her vacant face. One of her eyes was stuck closed, an eyelash coming off. The same one that always came off. It really irked him, because he’d spent the extra money to get the very best model that money could buy. And still this eyelash was always coming off. They just didn’t make sex dolls like they used to anymore. Not even the good ones. His life sucked, and eternity was going to be a long, long time.
The Vlad Series
- Washboard Vlad
This is the first of what is now two, and may become a Vlad series.
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Hey Nazish :) Do watch out for those wisps sticing to your nostrils though, I hear its not just vampires. You can try to get them out with a finger, but, well people will think you're just regular picking and when you try to explain that you're picking wisps, they don't believe you.
THanks for the kind words. This was fun to work on. Probably more effort than it was worth, but, what the heck else do I have to do in my free time?
LOL, SB you are a real psychic ; now how you knew that I am picking 'things' from ma nose? I am high on fever and flu and all the bad bugs today jeez ... Flu makes a person vulgur and funny, so while your story is stuck in my inhaling pipes ... I am sorting them out ; good boogies vs. bad boogies.
Jeez, I offend myself ... you also think that I should go offline?
No, I think you should hang out. Offense is less offensive if the offendee is not really offended by the offender. So, you're good. Here, have a Kleenex.
I loved it! Had a little bit of everything in it. I got to send this to my hubby's e-mail for him to read.
I am highly offended by myself SB... prolly that's why they call Geminis 'the twins' ... thnkx for the Kleenex *hugs SB with boogie hands down*
ROFLMAO. This screams of normalcy. What a wonderful twist. Classic, yet modern. His, theirs, yet you owned this so wholly as yours. :)
Naz- you should do an offensive hub on the flu. Make it good and offensive and use the fact that you have one as an excuse on the offensiveness, not that most of us would be offended.
Thanks Lady G. Do send it. This hub will languish without help from friends. I hope he likes it.
Naz.. lol @ boogie hands.
And thanks Paper Moon. The vampire genre needs some normalcy. lol
OMG I laughed so hard after the first paragraph I thought I'd wet myself! You should make an entire novel out of this and enter it in that 'It was a dark and stormy night...' contest. You would win hands down, no kidding, this is too good! I'm sending it to everyone I know. Did you make those drawings? God you're so talented. I am not worthy!!!!
I think I've heard of that contest before. I was giving some thought to making a longer project out of this. We'll have to see how it goes. The illustrations took longer than the story (yes, they are mine), so, to keep up the entertainment pace would make a long, long project out of it. I'd need to read a lot more vampire novels to get ideas/cliches to spoof. Thanks for the nice things you say (and I'm glad you liked the opener. That was a particularly gratifying outcome... at least amused the crap out myself anyway lol -- still can't decide it it's better ending "The night was come." or if it should be "The night had come."). BTW, you are so worthy it's not even funny, btw. Your brain is so huge. I read your stuff and just think, damn this is one seriously smart woman, about like, one millimeter from being intimidating, but far too nice and funny to actually BE intimidating.
LOL! And FAT! Far too FAT to be intimidating!
And I'm not even sorry. In fact, I'm going to go eat something right now!
No, see fat does not exclude one from having an intimidation factor. I mean, there's some of those Sumo guys who are pretty intimidating.
This is seriously dementedly howlingly funny. And the drawings are beautiful -- you have to send this stuff "out there" and get recognized for your talent.
Thanks, Teresa. I thought about sending this one out, but, meh. Too much effort for a short story. I have stuff I think is much better that I am trying to get "out there." The whole process is frustrating. I read these horrific things all the time in books and magazines and continue to stick rejection slips on my wall. I keep hoping some bored literary agent will stumble across my hubpages and email me even though I assume that bored literary agents (who aren't crooks) don't go reading in their spare time.
As sole legal representative of Christoph Reilly Enterprises and Emporium, it has come to my attention that you have, yet again, "borrowed" rather shamelessly from my client, the party in the first part, Christoph Reilly. Mr. Reilly makes his living from supplying "writing and inspirational ideas" to other writers and expects and demands full compensation for said use of his inspirational story. You offer instead of payment a link? You cannot eat a link, Mr. Shadesbreath, unless it is a sausage link, in which case you can eat about eight of them before you start to feel sick, and god knows what they put in those things. Of course, you can't eat money either, but you can use money to buy things to eat, hopefully sausage links, but only about six of them as eight will make you ill as previously discussed.
While Christoph Reilly does not wish to press charges at this time (against my expensive advice,) I must request that this offensive material is removed immediately, otherwise I will be forced to notify the management of HubPages, The Vampire Society, Goths R Us, Anne Rice, and the ASPCA for your depiction of cruelty to animals (even though it is just a cat.)
Mr. Reilly did however wish for me to extend his hearty LOL and commend you on your skillful artwork (which you have obviously ripped off from the sketch book of DaVinci.) You have two years to comply with this letter or further action will be zealously pursued.
Finally, I offer you this: If you found yourself in possession of the jewel encrusted enima bag of Queen Elizabeth and informed everyone that's where it came from, and provided a link to Buckingham Palace, would that make the enema bag yours? No. It would not. Sincerely, Mr. Smarmy, Esq.
LAWL ... um, yes, I will immediately begin the process of eventually removing this in its entirety at some point in the future, subject, of course, to what unforeseeable impediments to said removal as I might be expected to unexpectedly encounter upon commencement of that removal process, the alacrity of which also subject to the relative and indeterminate nature of such terminology as "some point" etc.
As for the links, sausage or otherwise, yes, they are delightful although the grease can get to you on the eighth or ninth link, so, this should be avoided.
Yes, that would make the enema bag mine, I think.
Um, lawl again.
This was hysterical, man! You've made my character slightly less desirable than I would have it, but when he hit the window screen and then the subsequent slap-stick, I was just rolling! Not from laughing - it was one of those damn seizures - but I recovered and finished. The doll was a nice touch and I wish the article was still there. The cat blood-sucking scene was true horror, and really did make me feel...well, a little queasy if not sick. Disgusting and warped! I loved it. There is much more I could comment on, but there is so much to commend it...I'll have to come back to it.
The art is really seriously good. Is that your wife's bum? The bat in the gutter is fabulous, and the drawing of the cat...LOL...his face is priceless! He looks like he's saying "Doh," or WTF? Ha,ha!
Good job all the way around. It's an honor to be parodied by you. Thanks!
lol... Dude, I told my wife what you asked about her ass, and she said, and I quote, "I wish." Which is good because I was thinking it, but didn't want to say it outloud.
And, yeah, bummer about that article on the dolls. I really wanted to link to that at the end.
Thanks for the kind words, I hope you do get a chance to read it again. I hid some nuggets in there for peeps like u.
lol. You know...I just noticed...the drawing of the cat. That guy actually looks like me. Did you do that on purpose...or am I going nuts (and yeah, I know, it could be both.)
I know nothing. I see nothing. I say nothing.
This was great, Shades. Excellent! You and Christoph are such good writers.
I'm going to forward this link to some friends who will enjopy it as much as I did. Two black-nailed thumbs up!!
I was going to ask about the pics. Nice. Very nice. If you need legal services, I am sure that we could find a hub lawyer to do the case pro-bono. (I am sure U2 wont mind) LOL.
Kindly leave Bono out of this! He does nothing but wonderful things.
Thanks, P.M. The pictures came about to kill time between the time I wrote this (about a day after reading Christoph's hub, and the time it took for the 100 hubs thing to die down). The bat in the pipe came first just out of boredom sitting in the driveway drinking with my wife, and then it was like... hey, I should just illustrate the whole thing. Might do more stuff like that. Was really fun.
As for the lawyer, I'm going to send Christoph a couple of bottles of some really good Gin and Tequila and see if he doesnt' back off a bit.
Yes, but if you are what you eat?
I'm a ham sandwich, or an avacodo... unless drinking counts as eating in which case I am a beer.
lol Shades - *sigh* it is always the little vampires that get screwed ;)
Love the pictures. That is a very nice looking doll. Where is that affiliate link?
That sounds like a sound legal strategy!
What kind of Gin and Tequila?
Hmmm?
The link is here, Aya: http://www.realdoll.com/
lol Thanks CR. I just visited the page - that doll looks really high quality! Since you have tried out most of the doll types which would you recommend? ;)
Number 12. Goes by the name of Brittany. But you have to ask her real nice.
Just lawl at both of you. But Aya, you are right about Christoph. He is famous amongst certain circles.
Circles? If you have more than one you can arrange them that way.
Hey. What's up with the score of this hub. It keeps going down, down, down. What's up with that?
I think it's because there's no ads on it. I noticed when I published it it was 1 pt lower than all the other new ones (they at 50 this at 49). It's been plummeting ever since. I asked on the forums if Google sprays hate on hubs with no ads because I'm not participating in the commercial game, but Maddie said that has nothing to do with it. I just think this reads better without interuptions, but I think there is an excellent chance that I'm getting Google punishment, despite Maddie's assurances. It figures, really. Art for art's sake always results in this sort of thing. You can't just create for the reason of creation in this world. If someone ain't making a buck off it, F-you. Hope I'm wrong. Probably just a glitch and I'm being all bitter (it's actually showing more comments than it has page views registering, so I'm betting glitch). LOL
Yeah, I read that forum post. Weird.
Hysterical, and I simply now want to know if you draw the wonderful images Shades!!!
So funny I laughed my arse off, no exaggeration!!!
PS. Don't Vampires need to be invited into a property before they can enter it??? I hope so !!!
Ahh Shades, you've done it again. Loved your drawings too.
excellent...the drawings are impressive..the scarcity of ads was immediately discerned and appreciated...art for art's sake...where did Art go? He was here a moment ago...
are u able 2 sing and dance also? lol.........kudos...and peace 2u
Hi Misty! Yes, the drawings are mine, and, to be honest, I haven't read enough vampire lore to know if they have to be invited or not. Maybe that's a rule for some storylines. Interesting really. If I decide to do more with this thing, I'll look into it. That could be a fun theme to work in to further developing Vlad's ineptitude as a vampire.
Jewels, thanks. I haven't has as much fun on a hub since the Excrement Inc. one, and that was just silly. I felt free, like a young hubber again. LOL.
Thanks John, I appreciate the comments. Art for arts sake still happens, but it dies a silent death in rickety houses lost the the shadowy darkness of triumphant monetary concerns. And nope, can't sing or dance. The universe likes balance so it made sure I was absolutely awful at both, in fact, I am far, far worse at singing and dancing than anything my writing or drawing constitutes as ability.
Ohhhh, the good ol days!
Wow Shades, your artisitc ability is brilliant then. I wish I could draw with a 10th of your talent. :)
@ Papermoon,
Thanks for the idea ... I shall write a boogie hub woogie soon! :D
Have to make good new days. lol.
Thanks Misty, you have talents aplenty though. And you're genuinely nice, which can't be faked. I'm sort of a curmudgeon, so, yeah, you're in good shape even if you can't sketch. lol.
Feel free to pimp it here if you write it Naz. We'll come check it out
Jeez, SB you are a darlin' ... thanks for the buckup! :D
I must say I'm in total agreement with most everyone...this guy needs to be a character in a novel. An asthmatic loser vampire...to counteract all of that romantic stuff cluttering up the current market. I'd buy it for sure! While we're at it...we could dream up a werewolf with alopecia, mange or just a bad case of dandruff...perhaps a mummy that earns a living part time as a stripper...why not. Nothing is sacred!!!
Okay...you had me rofling all over the place...
The image of the bat wedged in the gutter with it's little rumpus in the air...and of course the old lady running down the street screaming about her pussy nearly had me spewing my coffee all over my desk. :) However!!! From the title...I really thought you were going for a more Clinton-esque type of vampire. You know...first he inhales...then he gets the munchies...and goes on a bloody vampire rampage. Sort of like Cheech and Chong...perhaps we could call him Leech...hmmm....
Anyway...time to work.
Yes, I was hoping the title wouldn't give it away. I made the wager that "inhaler" could be construed as something menacing despite it's more common (at least as it seems to me) manifestation in modern society.
I may take all the suggestions and work out something. Your idea gives me fuel for making maybe a short story collection destroying numerous genre critters. It would be fun, but I'm not sure. It's kind of like my fantasy novels, I'll consider sequels more seriously if I can get any interest from the ones I have now.
Thanks for the lovely compliment Shades.
I agree with Spryte, the idea of a Werewolf with alopecia or a stripping Mummy opens up a world of possibilities. How about "Frankenstein's Lobster" or "The Creature from the Black Baboon"! Perhaps a vegetarian Zombie or a Poltergeist that tidies your home. :)
Hmmm, ok, you guys are giving me good ideas. Perhaps the series will continue outside the vampire theme. The illustrative potential is high, especially for the stripping mummy. Man, that could be hilarious.
Oh, yes! I'll try to come up with something right away!
Yeah, come up with something so I can steal it. LOL
Funny stuff Shades, but your Vlad does not resemble "my" Victor in the least!
"Your" Victor? Do tell, is there a missing vampire hub I'm, uh, missing... a spoof begging to be... spooficated?
Christoph's Victor is "my" Victor, at least in my own lusty mind. http://hubpages.com/hub/Captive-of-the-Night ...One spoof is quite enough; you mustn't continue to sully his reputation as a woman killer with your bumbling bat. ;)
Oh, oh... god. I'm so slow. LOL... yes, well, I can see how you might prefer Reilly's fiction to my realism, but, well, we shall see how it goes.
lol
Jeez, Shady .... I actually worked out the Boogiee-hub *runs off to throw up again*
Hah..I just read that. You are a sick person (and clever) lol!
Since you're too polite to link your own hub, I will:
http://hubpages.com/_16j5pvff7gogj/hub/Boogie-woo
All mucous-based lifeforms should proceed with caution and beware the ETs!
I hope part two is gross :P
Gross is fun.
Came back for another look at your pics. Love them. The bat is stuck in my head.
Wait..... does that mean my head is in the gutter?
Technically, that would mean that, P.M., stuck in the gutter, wedged in tightly by a bat no less, meaning your head may be stuck in the gutter for a long time. You may develop a gutter mouth because of it.
LOL - thanks! I needed that. It seems I missed the first chapter of Vlad's misadventures. So thanks too for posting the link. :D
Btw, cool sketches!
You're quite welcome, and I'm very glad you enjoyed the sketches. They represent several evenings of drinking heavily in my driveway until the sun went down as my neighbors squinted at me in passing by wondering wtf I was doing with a clipboard and a beer every damn night. (Not to say they don't expect me out there with a beer, but the clipboard was throwing them off.)
Oh now this is a Hub I could really sink my teeth into, vampires, always makes a fav topic for me. Also are they your pics, my god, they are incredible, I would die to draw like that. Great job SB.:)
@ Paper Moon, you mean the first part wasn't gross enough? *holds her breath*
Bravo Shades.
That's the funniest thing I've read for a while.
And don't worry about Christoph's legal threat.
My legal people will eat his legal people for dinner if required. So keep writing about afflicted vampires, and keep using the enema bag. (But I'd advise you strongly not to keep storing your spare beer in it)
Anyway, it's good to see so many of the old crew making comments here.
Maybe the madness of the last couple of months is over.
cheers, Eric G.
Hey, thanks for coming by BP. I'm glad you found my Vlad as teeth-sinkably ... something as less, uh, human vampires. HIs flaws make him, well, flawed. And yes, those are my pics.
Eric, wassup!!!! I'm glad you came by. I was hoping you'd find this one; you've always sort of "got it" when it comes to my humor. I really figured you might find Vlad to be a gas. And yeah, I'm not sweating Christoph's legal team. I bought him off for a song. And yes, the "boys of summer" from last year are peeping in again. Hubpages about ruined a large portion of the community with that Hubspam contest. For those into the social side of things, that was like a disease that ran nearly long enough to be fatal, but the fever abated just in time.
=] 'put my pussy down!' poor Vlad. it would seem he had to settle for what he could get.
I did also enjoy the art accompanying the tale...beautiful.
This is a truly superb work. I never read any short stories but yours is hands down and thumbs up the best I’ve ever read. It was simply fantastic that you not only stole the idea but also chose to steal from among the best. I think you definitely deserve all of the AdSense money you will never earn because you didn’t include any ads. I wish that you would continue to reap more of the same in the future. Good luck in your efforts to steal more good ideas. What good is a good idea if it is not good enough to steal? I am looking forward to stealing this idea from you in the near future. I applaud you!
Q.
Am I dead: Yeah, poor Vlad. Turns out his fate is similar to many of ours... the ideal is not necessarily what we get in reality. Perhaps in the next chapter he'll do better. lol. And thanks for taking the time to enjoy the pictures. That was a new element for my hubs; it's very gratifying to see people enjoying them.
Quilligrapher: Yes, I never steal anything but from the very best... or on occassion from the very most annoying. LOL. And, I had to chuckle at your comment that I "definitely deserve all of the AdSense money you [I] will never earn because you [I] didn't include any ads." So funny. And true. But then, I don't think I've earned any AdSense from anything I have included them in, so, there you go. lol. Thanks for the funny and kind comments. :)
OMG, that is so freaking funny!!! You are the master, and I bow down to you sir.
I can see down your shirt when you bow like that you know. :D Glad you laughed and glad to see you poking around.
Man, that was good! I have to tell you, I just about peed myself over that bat picture. And the whole bit with the screen was genius! I wish I had half of your talent. And maybe half of Christoph's too. In fact, I'm heading to my bunker to work out a plan, now.
@BT:
Hmm. A combination of Christoph and Shadesbreath. Bit of Mary Shelley there me thinks. Combine all the parts together to create a new monster!
So we can expect to see a hub from you entitled "VLADENSTEIN" or "FRANKENPIRE". Or something?
(That is, unless Shades doesn't steal the idea first. So go to it BT - get those little jackalope brain cells working. The pressure's on! :-
As usual, 10% of all earnings from this brilliant idea payable to me.
Oh crap, is that a challenge? I'll have to look into it after operation talentectomy...
Yes! - I THOUGHT that said "Inhaler." My eyes are not rusting out. :)
Very creative entertainment in this story.
Thanks BT, and I'm with you on Reilly. ... and Eric (and BT) up there somewhere is a great idea about spoofing other stuff, I was thinking of a stripper mummy story. lol.
Thanks Patty; and your eyes are just fine lol
Wow. Y'know, I was in tears at the end from laughter and from feeling sorry for Vlad. I could just feel his humiliation the entire time. God, that would suck. If I were Vlad, suicide would seem more and more appealing.
HILARIOUS and awesome job. I was cackling at the very beginning with your description of the light. XP
Thanks, Salmon. :) I'm glad you laughed, and perhaps the suicide thing is an idea worth playing with. Thanks for that too. Hmmmm....
OMG! This took me from feeling all warm and squirmy with Vlad's flaring nostrils and the luminous shaft on the rug to literally rolling with laughter! Marvelous! I'm in total awe and wonder of your talent. Please do a series. Please! :)
Well hello stranger. Glad to see you here, glad you got a laugh out of this thing. Frankly, this was sort of the story that killed hubpages for me. lol. Made me realize this is just a way to make a few bucks writing "informative" stuff. But I am Still kicking the series idea around. I actually have two more ideas for two more pieces. We'll see how it goes. Thanks for coming by. Vlad needed some company over here. lol
This is really wierd... as my name is Vlad... I am from Romania... my canines are sharp and pretty long, well I have braces now... and here is the wierdest part... i have Asthma! So I guess you can say I'm like a real life Vlad the Inhaler :)) only not a real vampire :D I found this story by accident... I really like it :)
Wow, where have you been all my life. I need you at the top of my hubs to read. I love your drawings and your pithy writing style.
Vlad, that's so funny and so cool. I had no idea I was channeling you, or some perverse variant of you. You must have a very strong personal radiance to seep into the atmosphere with amplitude to make it all the way over here to California. Very nice, indeed. I'm glad you like my character and enjoyed the fun.
Wannabwester, I have not yet begun to pith to the depths of pithiness I intend, so you'll have opportunities galore in time. I hope. :) Meanwhile, thanks for the kind words. It is very gratifying to know one's efforts are not lost, particularly this story, which I count as my personal favorite on hubpages. So, thanks.
From the very first word, you put a smile on my face which widenned as the story went on and ended into loud laughter. I was pointed to your site by one of your admirers and I thank her for this. You have just acquired another loyal fan.... :-)
I'm so glad you liked this one. I had more fun on this one that any of my others; it's my personal favorite, so I'm very happy you liked it too. Thank you for reading it and commenting. :)
Is awesome cliche? Awestruck,awed, in awe of, that is a great story!
Thanks, it was amusing to write. It's fun to break all the rules sometimes.
Wow...what can I say? You give us moments of breath-taking brilliance blended with the height of hilarity, tangible imagery, incredible subtlety, and amazing readability. Bravo!
Be well.
Spider
Thanks. This is one of my pet hubs. It wasn't quite strong enough to submit, but it was so fun to make. I love when someone reads it. It's like a little flower that, while too small and pale to be a garden stand out, it finds rapture in the sunshine of a reader's eyes.
What an amazing story, you had me from the first bat fall to the blow up sex doll at the end, loved it all, I almost had to go change my Depends. lol.. I have two cats, I think I will share a bite or two with them. They fluff up so nicely when they are about to be bitten. This was a seriously blood curdling story, one of which should be published for the world to enjoy and we can all laugh out loud together and make this world a better place. You put a big smile on my puss and it will be forever grateful. Thanks to De Greek for sharing your link with me. I am forever your fan. Yippy Yi Oh Kyee:0)
OMG this is perfect! I am sending a link out to everyone I know! The drawings had me laughing out loud and that's not the usual thing when sitting alone. A chortle maybe, but this was bordering on hysterics. You are brilliant!
Saddlerider: you have no idea how happy it makes me to think I have caused you to require a diaper change. :) And I appreciate your appreciation for this. I debated it sending it around to see if I could get it published, but I figured the ending was a bit too easy for a brick and mortar. Maybe some publisher will find it someday and hit me up for something else. I'm just glad you liked it. Comments like yours make it totally worth while to have put it where it is. So thanks.
SilverGenes: I'm glad to hear that, and hysterics are just the sort of thing I hoped for. So, thanks for letting me know. And thanks for sending it around. Hopefully you are close friends with J.K. Rowling's agent or publisher. lol.
you cant throw a rock without hiting a vampire book these days. I Love fantasy, but I told my wife just the other day no way am I reading any vampire stories or books, no matter how desperate I get for reading material
Unless you write one!
Hah, thanks. Sometimes I think I should have kept this one and built a collection out of it. But, well, I'm not really a vampire fan either, so, there you go. I appreciate the kind words. :)
Shadesbreath, you are unbelievably talented! Thank you so much for taking the time to visit me and recommending me. I look forward to reading more of your hubs.
This is really great. It made my day.
Mysterylady, thanks, and you're quite welcome for the recommendation. I try to point out the good stuff/funny stuff when I find it, because it's so easy to get lost in the overwhelming amount of... well, have you used the HubHopping thing yet? lol. Then you'll see.
Masmasika: I'm glad you enjoyed poor Vlad's misadventure, Masmasika. Thanks and thank you for commenting too!
I would have to agree with everyone who commented. I'm glad I found you. And just for your information, I tried Reilly's version, and while the Night Captive is also great, I prefer Vlad's humorous exploits hands down. I only wish I could learn how to make people laugh the way you do. ;)
AC Sutliff, thank you for those very kind words. Being "funny" is a hit or miss thing, I can tell you from what little I know about doing it. Mostly miss. Every once in a while, you get a story or article that works and just have to thank the Muse for it. "A writer's best friend is his garbage can," I've heard said. So true. :)
I do believe that. Someone once told me that if you try to be funny it makes it even harder, which explains how I can make hilarious offhand jokes but never write anything truly funny. I've given up on the humor genre. I write dramas! Speaking of dramas, and garbage, I think I'd better go tidy up my Hub. :)
You know, that's why I don't like "small talk" and stuff, you know that awkward first meeting of someone, or when you first get to a party or whatever? It's everyone "trying to be funny" or clever, etc. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it; it's just how human social ... whatever works, but, I TOTALLY know what you mean about offhanded jokes being the good ones. Makes you wonder why we can't just do it whenever. Writing is kind of like a party in that way. You start out with something, get lost in the fictional dream and, if you're lucky, the sense of being in the story becomes the same as being at the party, and, with luck, the hilarious jokes pop out.
I'm blown away Shades. I don't want to sound too effusive but I really loved the drawing and the writing. The bat in the rain guard is my favourite....in the sensitivity of the drawing and the literary image. Just great.
Thank you Jane, I had hoped you would enjoy this one too; I'm glad to hear that you did. :)
Shades: Had to come back and read this, since it brought Mysterlady to read the original piece of crap I wrote. I thought I had removed that piece of trash but guess I forgot. Still had me rolling. I think I'll leave my own to preserve the integrity of yours, which is the true story, of couse. Ha, ha!
Yours is perfectly fine for exactly what it was and why it was written. Don't hate. :D And thanks for leaving it up there, it adds body. Nice to see you too. This places misses you. I do too.
ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL OMG that was funny! Shameful of you to steal it from Christoph but dang that was hilarious!
Nothing that Christoph did not wholly deserve, Morgan, I assure you. And frankly, his character was far too romantic and serious to be tolerated. It needed to be taken down a peg or six. :D
LMAO!!!! This was great!!!! I love the classic style that you wrote it in, and the way you worked in a few off-color jokes here and there! Fabulous read!!!
Hi Anna, I'm glad you enjoyed my little tale. And I think you're right about the style: I think the juxtaposition of the old world narrative voice with the juvenile silliness is what makes it work.
Great story. Well done. It made me laugh.
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for saying so.
This was very well written! I laughed my bootay off! I can just imagine it.... MUAHHAHAHAHA *hiss*
The inhaler cracks me up!
Yes, one must either laugh or cry for poor old Vlad. :) Thanks for reading my story, Boogr.
Another excellent hub - the early confession to copy is refreshing - you hae added your own personality to thsi story and the sketches are great - well done and look forward to reading more.....Irish
Thanks, theirishobserver. I'm glad you liked the story and drawings (the bat in the rain pipe was the most fun to do), and I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
shades you have quite the talent. I sat on the edge of my seat until I fell to the floor laughing at the bat scene then throughout the read. I am still on the floor in laughter. Make my day. Fantastic and awesome. Love the art work. Laughter is wonderful medicine to the soul. Loved it love you. I suppose by now you got that tooth fixed. Hugs galore not bites, prefer hugs plz. Thank You!
Well, see, and you went and made my day by saying such nice things about my story, Skye2day. Thanks. :)
You are a very talented artist. Your story was great. I had to stop reading cause I was laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face and I couldn't see the computer. lol, thanks for a great read and great laugh.
Thank You..
Thanks lumbeetx, that's really nice to hear. This is my favorite hub here on HubPages, so it's very gratifying to find out that someone really got a kick out of it. Thanks for saying so. :)
Oh boy. You did the drawings? Marvellous. "Night has come" - terrific. I hate you.
edit: I am sure Shadesbreath understands that I meant "I hate you" in a joky way. Just in case anyone else doesn't get it, I meant it in a joky way.
He's a genius. I'm jealous.
Hi Mark. I'm glad you enjoyed this one, it's my favorite of mine so far, so I'm always happy to see someone enjoy it. And, I confess to still having an immature giggle when I read that "night has come" line too. I spent a lot of time thinking that opening was over-wrought, but in the end have let it be. Over-wrought is fun, especially when it calls into question the nature of the spoof, is it spoofing the spoof, or spoofing what the spoof is spoofing. Or something. :D
And hey, looking at your avatar, you got mad drawing skills too! Us hand-drawn avatar people need to stick to gether.
Hilarious. They should make some movies like this, everyone likes an immortal loser...
Heh, yep, Stories, Inc., it's true. It's interesting to think of an immortal that isn't somehow perfect and has it all figured out. Almost makes immortality seem like a horrible idea if we have to consider it might suck to be stuck being US forever lol. (although I like to think I would eventually figure it all out in time lol).
Well I had a helluva good time today reading this! I knew you would do something clever here, so I decided to take a peek.
I enjoyed "Count Dracula" as a story when I was a small child, and the olde English made it all the more enjoyable and filled it with the atmosphere of the time. (much as you have here.)
Your hub was very very funny and your brand of humour fits me like a glove!
That just goes to show why you and I always get along in the forums. We have GREAT taste lol.
Seriously, thanks for reading and saying so. This story is like my child, I'm trying to nurture it until someone with a paper magazine and a huge circulation stumbles on it and says, "EUREKA!" and sends it out to be giggled at.
I must admit, Shades, that I somewhat avoided this hub since I found the title a tad strange. Damn, how pitiful-I should have known this would be fabulous!
You know, the doll link got me thinking...Unless you're terribly skinny, you'd never fit. Her legs are simply too close together. Oh, wait a minute...if the avatar is actually a photo, you'll have no problem.
I thought your wife was the hub illustrator. But apparently you've the pencil talent, too. BRAVO!
Dear lord, now I'm off to read the second installment although I've no idea how you'd improve on this genius offering.
You are seriously odd, Shades, and I'd love to marry you-if your current wife wouldn't mind.
Do let me know.
Hey, you should have known this would not be an ACTUAL vampire story. That would require taking something serious, which I am generally incapable of. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and yes, those are my drawings (although of late, I don't take quite so much care with the drawings as I seem to get the same amount of response from 1/10 of the effort). I also appreciate your appreciation of my oddness, and while your offer of marriage is kind, one wife is a handful as it is. After 22 years of marriage, I still don't understand women, and, just as I thought I was figuring it out, my daughter turned into a woman and between the two of them, I have no idea what's going on at my house anymore. A third female presence would probably rip a hole in the fabric of the universe.
Aww, too bad. Well, you do know that universe ripping is the very best way keep men off balance, don't you? Cheers to the women in your life-sounds like they're doing a fine and admirable job.
They are. lol.
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nazishnasim 2 years ago
How very articulate. The twists and the bends of the story stick to me more than a wisp sticks to the nostrils of a blood-hungry vampire! Got a li'l confused in the mid but ended up laughing after reading the last paragraph .... summing up , this piece was certainly one of its kind! Touche Touche SB!