Top 5 Worst Species in Which to Be a Guy: an absolutely scientific (or not) look at sex in the animal world.
76As we all know, romance and sex are complicated things for all species. Elaborate rituals and intricate behavioral patterns complicate the path to reproduction for literally every species on earth. For many species, pre-coital behavior is effort enough and they invest no further energy in reproductive relationships once the sexual act is done. For other species reproductive paring, pair bonding, is for life (which takes on many forms). Regardless of what strategy any given species has evolved, clearly each unique reproductive method has proven effective enough over time to ensure thriving varieties of life on this amazing, living world called Earth.
In the wake of another highly-academic article written by me on bees, which focused on the apparent difficulties suffered by the typical female of that species, it is the purpose of this article to examine five reproductive strategies in nature which seem, contrary to the bee experience, to instead put the males of each of the following species at considerably less advantage. In fact, in these five cases, it would be safe to call the male circumstance, misery.
1) Praying Mantis
Ok, now here is an example of one seriously miserable bastard trapped in the natural world. The male praying mantis has it, by far, worse than any other creature on earth. You need only to watch the following video and see how poorly the female mantis treats this poor son of a b!^@% to understand. I mean, this dude can make love for hours, and yet check out how much respect he gets. Zip. Just watch.
Seriously, you need to watch this before you go on. (I know how you people skip videos all the time, so don't... and watch it all, dammit)
You see. Wasn't that just sad?
That dude is so devoted to her. It's like, he's all up there still trying to satisfy his woman even AFTER SHE BITES OFF HIS HEAD. I'm speechless.
Let's move on.
Baby's got back, but...
Very shapely, eh?
2) Black Widow
Ok, the black widow is named thusly because, frankly, she brings that label on herself. I mean, everyone knows these spiders eat their poor husbands after mating, so, I don't reckon this entry on the list will come as much of a shock. To be honest with you, the fact that they are called "black widows" should really be a sign for the males to, you know, maybe start hitting on some other spider chicks instead. I mean, have you seen the ass on a wolf spider before? Seriously, those are hawt spiders, and they never kill their man. Frankly, in my highly scientific opinion, male BW (black widow) spiders are pretty much total morons, and deserve what they get for being so horny they can't figure out what's going on. None the less, nature made them so, so we must accept them for what they are. But they are dumb.
Regardless of this inherent stupidity, their misery is real, which I can prove scientifically.
Evidence from the Field:
Here's a transcript of an actual event recorded with a secret microphone placed in a local black widow singles' bar discovered behind my neighbor's shed:
Male BW1: Dude, you seen Fred lately?
Male BW2: No, not since he took Sheila home two nights ago.
Male BW1: Think she ate him?
Male BW2: Probably, I seen Fred at the condom machine in the bathroom before they left.
Male BW1: Yeah, he's dead then.
Male BW2: Yep
Male BW1: Oh look, speak of the devil.
.... Black Widow Bar ....
Sheila: Hi, boys.
Male BW1: Hi, Sheila
Male BW2: Hi, Sheila
(Sheila yawns and stretches languidly, the bright red hourglass glistening on her shiny exoskeletal chest in the dim lights of the spider bar)
Sheila: Gosh, I'm so thirsty.
Male BW1: Can I buy you a drink?
Male BW2: No, no, let ME buy you a drink.
...
I don't think we need to follow this to its inevitable conclusion; suffice it to say that if anyone would like to send a condolence card or flowers to Male BW2's mother, address it to:
Male BW2 Memorial Fund
PO Box 1000
Sacramento, CA 95123
3) Scorpion
The only reason scorpion males don't appear on the list higher than black widow males is because of how brutally the black widow males are manipulated psychologically. Unlike black widow males, scorpion males don't know it's coming, much like praying mantis males; their females aren't named so obviously. The main reason scorpion males are ranked number three is because, well, their deaths are kinda boring after the first two. With scorpion couples it's pretty much by the book: they meet, they buy drinks, they go home, they do it, she stabs them to death. Rinse and repeat. Pretty cut and dry, really. The scorpion police force doesn't even investigate the murders anymore. They pretty much just threw up their hands and said, "F-it" several millennia ago. The real issue for scorpion detectives is determining whether or not there's a cult of homicidal scorpion nympho-chicks or just one seriously hardcore serial killer. Regardless, it sucks to be a scorpion male.
4) Sea Horse
Ok, after those first three, the male Sea Horse doesn't have it that bad. I mean, at least they get to live after having sex. But, at what cost? The male sea horse is the most beat down of all creatures on earth. While not beat to death like the three species above, the male sea horse's life is one subject to the most incessant and merciless nagging in the entire animal kingdom. (Hah, "kingdom" my ass. The irony is almost too enormous to endure for these poor animals.)
In they went...
Scientists discovered that sea horses evolved from a species of land horses some 700,000 years ago. Apparently a herd of horses ran off a cliff and fell into the water. Most of them drowned, but a few of the smaller, more buoyant ones survived. They paddled around eating the kelp floating on the surface etc. for many years until eventually mutation and the rest of Darwin's cool stuff happened and we get the sea horse species of today.
Witness the origins of the term "old nag."
A man with stretch marks is just wrong
The only thing that never changed was how pissed off the females were about the whole thing. You see, it was a male horse (illusrated in black) that was leading the original herd when they went over the cliff and females in the herd just couldn't let it go. Apparently, the herd had been running around for days and the lead stallion would absolutely not stop at a gas station and ask for directions, which ultimately resulted in them going over the cliff.
Modern day sea horse females still won't let that issue drop. In fact, over the course of the 700,000 years, sea horse females got so good at brow beating their men that they eventually were even able to make the poor bastards submit to carrying the children during pregnancy. How hard do you have to nag for that to happen? Which is why today, you will see that all sea horse women pass off the eggs the first moment they can and let their man bloat up and get all stretch marks everywhere while they hang out with the other sea horse women and watch Oprah on T.V.
5) Human
The males of this last species suffer a bit of everything listed above. It was tempting to put this species up at number two, after only the praying mantis males, but, since they don't have any of the above conditions to the severity of the rest, human males ended up at number five.
Human similarities to Praying Mantis:
The simple truth is, human males put up with everything the first four species do, just not with any of the same consistency. I know I for one have had my head bitten off at least five hundred times during the course of my marriage, so obviously it's true.
... I know what you're saying, "Hey, the male praying mantis only gets his head bitten off once, you're getting that five hundred times. You clearly suffer more!" And yes, you're right, and I do appreciate your sympathy, but as you'll recall, the male pryaing mantis can make love for up to four hours, and even keep "doing it" after he is dead. I can't do either of those. So while it's obvious my wife has more reason to be pissed off than praying mantis females do, mantis females don't appreciate how great they have at all, therefore making them the more terrible of the two species due to sheer ingratitude.
Human similarities to Black Widows:
Moving the similarities along, take a look at this man here and you will see that he is about to be eaten, just as poor Male BW2 had done to him above. It's very scary really, and the black widow comparison is clear.
Typical behavior seen in human long-term pair bonding...
Human similarities to Scorpions:
On the scorpion front similarity-wise, Lorena Bobbit comes to mind, and the violence easily, and often, can escalate. This phenomenon has been documented since back when Gaia did Ouranos, long before Lorena made that cut. Just watch an episode of cops if you don't think it can get worse. I hardly need to say more.
Human similarities to Sea Horses:
And here, check out this dude. See the sea horse thing going on? Not to mention, I know several men whose wives follow them around nagging constantly and never let things go. In addition, human males are often forced to go shopping at the mall and to watch chick flicks like Sleepless in Seattle or even - it's almost too cruel to mention even just in text - that Sex in the City film. My god, can you imagine? How heartless can nature be? Anyway, the bottom line is, human males really have it rough, which is why they came in at number five.
 | Amazon Price: $107.00 List Price: $174.92 |
Conclusion
So there you have the five most brutal species in which to be a male. Clearly the praying mantis has it the worst given his sexual prowess and yet the total disrespect. Frankly, female praying mantises don't even deserve a man like that. But, alas, such is the mystery of nature. For the rest of these species, well, maybe if the reincarnation thing some religions have is true, these males will get another chance at being something else. Maybe they'll come back as drone bees and get to make it with the queen. That would be something, wouldn't it?
- Sixtyorso's cool hub
Sixty's comment on my bee hub was what I believe Henry James called "the germ" of my idea for this hub. So, in the name of gratitude and fair play, I would like to recommend his hub in return. Read this, this is a great story (It's got SNAKES!!!) - Another interesting hub of Sixty's
Check this one out too.
CommentsLoading...
Another great funny hub - gosh I envy you for having such a fantastic imagination.
BTW not all male humans have it bad, some have nice girls who do pretty much anything they want with little to no nagging at any time.
What's hard is finding such a girl.
Well Amy, I've sent an email to your husband to confirm that parenthetical thing before I can accept it as fact. As you can tell from this hub, I am a stickler for accurate information. Pending his reply, I'll just say thanks for the kind words and, no, you can keep pregnancy, thanks all the same (and yes, u did prove my point).
Squimpleton, thanks to you as well for the nice comments. I would admit that my wife doesn't nag much at all, but if she reads this then she might get the wrong idea, so I'm not going to admit any such thing. As for that "pretty much do anything they [I] want" thing... yeah, that's going to be a tough pull for most I think.
I've enclosed a card and some support money for black widow #2 and #1 (just in case) mothers. This is very tragic. It goes to show that some organisms would do anything to pass their genes on.
Quensday,
Wow you are a kind soul. I am sure that both families will appreciate the card and cash. Male BW1 will probably just use the cash to buy Sheila a drink tomorrow night, but hey, nature is what it is. And "some organisms?" lol Just "some?" Me thinks it might be more than that.
:)
You think God was just having fun when He designed all this? Maybe the "joke" is on us! or on the insects...no wait on us....o forget it...I think basically procreation comes at a high price for any and all species on the earth... I still ask "Why?" Isn't the object of the sex, to create more of the being that is having the sex? So, why the struggle? maybe someone should be saying "O hum, sex again tonight? I don't know, I think I have a headache"...says the male mantis...someone should teach him THAT line, save his realllll headache.
shades breath, you are one in a million!! Does this just flow from you or what? What's reallly running in your veins???
I never laughed at a hub so hard as the bees and the 5 worst species to be a guy. Keep up the good work, and now, for YOU to ever have praised MY writing, I am sooo honored. You're the BOMB.
shadesbreath,
That was a funny hub.
Great job.
sschilke
Good one. The evolution of the sea horse was hilarious. I vote for more such "evolution" hubs!
I'm sorry I wasn't able to sympathise with the plight of the human male because... I'M SINGLE!!! And I'm laughing all the way to... wherever it is I damn-well feel like going.
Marisue, yes, having heard that line a few times before, I can tell you, it is effective. I'm not sure why mantis males haven't mastered it yet. I'm thinking for the same inexplicable reason human males haven't... they can't. They start out the night like, "I'm so not giving in to that," and they mean it too, but, damn, pretty smile, the play of light on soft curves... bammmmm, it's over. Resolve is nothing in the face of such raw power. And.. there goes another mantis head. /sigh.
I'm glad you laughed. You have no idea how happy it makes me to know people laugh at this silliness I write. And your writing merits compliment because it's just good. Period.
Sschilke,
Ty. I'm glad you enjoyed. I spent a ridiculous amount of time on it, so, ... lol.
CW,
While I may infact work on some other evolution hubs, being that I have a total grasp of everything scientific that ever happened that outstrips even the most educated scientists of our time, I can only say F.U. to your single lifestyle and endless cavorting with young, buxom and willing females who have no legal grounds to bite off your head at all.
My only satisfaction lies in the fact that I know eventually.. hah hah.. you too will fall.
Enjoyed this one a lot !! However, I think you have been quite selective in your examples. You need to look into the bird kingdom more-- lots of species mate happily for life --like swans, geese and hawks. Once you have been goosed, raised an ugly duckling or shared carrion, you are apparently linked for the duration.
Did that male mantis ever consider that perhaps BEFORE jumping the female's exoskeleton, it might be prudent to take her to dinner first?! No! So he gets what he deserves.
As for the black widow's sordid affair...I agree with you...caveat emptor. Human males could learn from this as well...avoiding women with names such as Barbie, Candy and Amber...but do they? Nooooo....
I don't blame the scorpion police for staying out of a domestic squabble.
And I sure as hell would never expect my husband to carry a child. He whines when he has a sore throat...and I'd prefer not to have to cater to that behavior for nine months.
Loved your post!! :))
Rochelle, I couldn't agree with you more. How romantic is an evening spent between two love birds over a festering pile of fly-covered rancid meat or, at the very least, a mangled coy fish plucked from the golf course pond?
However, this hub was written entirely for the purpose of balance, given that my Bee hub made it seem as if males in nature had no price to pay and females suffered singularly. This hub is just showing in tandem with the bee hub that there is equality overall. Life only sucks if we are looking at ourselves. Almost everyone else has it better if we aren't careful how we appreciate reality.
Regardless, a comment on my hub from a rare wit like yours does my work honor that I thank you for.
OMG.. Spryte.. that is so true. I never even thought about that. Maybe mantis males are like the cheapest bastards in the insect world and they get eaten because their poor woman is freaking famished. I mean, she was probably hungry after the movie, but no, he had to take her home and ravage her afterwards (probably didn't even spring for popcorn)... then he goes on with his Don Juan four hour crap and.. wow, big socker, four hours later she's eating his face.
Wow. Spryte, seriously... you're probably a natural naturologist or something... I mean, that's some deep insight that even me, in my incredible perspicacity did not think of. Wow. Science has some work to do. Thanks for that.
(Oh, and, just a heads up, male wussieness in that regard is totally faked. We know you women A) are sympathetic and nurturing, and B) can't stand a whiner, so we play that crap to the max. I know you won't like it, but, your husband just owned you, and always will in that regard even if you try to resist.)
In truth, I must confess that I did one of those regression therapy sessions and discovered that I was a female mantis in a previous lifetime. Hence the insight into the whole hunger pangs thing. I've been told that unless I am forthright and honest in this lifetime I'll have to come back as a female bee in the next...
I'm sure that most women are natural born nurturers, unfortunately my bedside manner is not typical of my sex. I guess "grow a pair" doesn't work no matter how tenderly you say it.
Depends which pair we're talking about. lol
OMGOODNESS! You are hilarious. I am never disappointed with your hubs. No mystery why I am your fan.
You know BLACK WIDOWS, are called widows for a reason. :)
That photographic evidence of the black widow is hilarious, I feel bad for your neighbor, those spiders are creepy but hopefully they take your advice and start hitting on other spiders, maybe then they the females will be extinct. Or half way extinct.
That pregnant male is so nasty looking. But the female sea horses are lucky! I wish human men got pregnant. That will be the day. :) Haha.
great hub.
I interviewed a couple of male spiders after reading this, and asked why male black widows still go after the homicidal cannibal females. They replied, tongues hanging out, with these two very familiar sounding words: 'Well, they're HOT!'
Apparently, for several species, common sense takes a hike when this is the case :P
Nice hub!
I am still recovering from the bee thing and I have to deal with seahorses, Spiders,Mantis's BTW they are called Praying (Preying actually) Mantis's can you guess why? i guess the 4 hour thing is just to make sure that you have a spectacular orgasm just as your lose your head to the pretty female Mantis?. i understand that the spider thing is because of a defect in their genetic make up with 16 legs vying for position the male says "get a grip on yourself" she mis- hears what he says and grabs a fang ful of face. "fangs for the mammary"?
As for scorpions he says "arch your back darling" and she does not knowing what to do with her weapon of mass destruction - oops!
And the seahorses they are just mean. I mean they dont even have sex just dropping the eggs and he just floats over the eggs covering them with sperm and then gathers them up to look after the eggs in his pouch whil she gallavants around looking for more suckers!
You should try being a male jackalope. Breeding and procreating. Procreating and breeding. Day in, and day out. It's enough to kill a guy! Breeding season is year-round, and there's barely time to have a nice meal, let-alone watch a tv show. I can't even....Mrs Evilpants is calling. Gotta get back to work. Please send help!
Interesting video! Seems to me, a clever male mantis would bring along an energy drink, to offer the female afterward. Could save his head.
LOL - what! This is like a Kermit the Frog Hub... "it's not easy being green"... No worries though; I enjoyed it thoroughly!
Wow! I like your style man. I feel good to know that as bad as I have it, I'm nothing like the stupid male black widow spider or the poor bastard male praying mantis.
Maylinda, I don't doubt that's the answer that you got. I'm afraid the explanation "she was HOT" is behind many, many, many bad decisions by men, and has been pretty much for approaching 70,000 years or so I'd wager. Common sense is erased by hawtness somehow. Scientific fact.
Sixty, LOL @ fangs for the mammary. Or maybe, mandibles for the mammary, heh. And yeah, ain't that just wrong. Male sea horses don't even get laid anymore. I mean, wow. I was serious when I said they are the most beat down of all creatures. If I was a sea horse I'd just go feed myself to a barricuda or something and be done with it. Thanks for the comments Sixty, and thanks for sparking this idea.
Ceounlimited.... hmmm... frogs change genders... maybe a Kermit hub is in order. lol. I'm glad you liked my hub, thanks for saying so too. :)
Talented_Ink, dude, seriously, huh? Much better to be number five on the list, that's a fact. I'll take two hours of Sex in the City over being eaten alive any day. And thanks for the style compliment, you're very kind.
Wow, do you, um, know of any nice praying mantis males who are... um, lonesome? No never mind, forget I ever said that, seriously...Just kidding. Sort of.
Another fine informative hub, Shadesbreath! Heads off, I mean, Hats off to you, sir!
Randy and vengeful all at once, eh, Pgrundy? Kill two ... um... birds with one stone, I guess.
And ty, You know it is my mission to spread knowledge and my duty to inform.
Scientific stuff is usually hard to understand, but you made it really easy for me, thx.
All the way through the first four species I was thinking, 'Damn! Why can't we women get some of this action?' Then, boom - we were in at number 5. Is this like, a yearly competition? Do we stand a chance of moving up the list in future scientific articles? Should I start training?
Mel Gibson made love to Michelle Pfiffer (I think it was - maybe Meg Ryan, I don't know, somebody blonde) for four hours in Tequila Sunrise, so perhaps the rest of the human males are just being lazy. Tsk, tsk.
Your daughter's pictures are great, by the way, as is your writing. Very entertaining hub as usual, Shadesbreath.
Well, Shirley, I'm glad that in my mastery of all things scientific I could make this complex entemological and biological information accessible to even the non-scientific folks. It's important people know the truth about how our world works.
And yes, there is a chance for humanity to move up the list. Women just need to be more organized in their homicidal tendencies, more consistent. Then, we shall see.
(Mel has two advantages over most men, 1. he is a favorite of God, and 2. he gets to edit together as many takes as he needs. I mean, even I could film a four hour love scene if I got to film 240 takes and splice them all together. So, I'm not that impressed with Mel.)
:)
Thanks for the read and nice comments, I'll tell my daughter you liked her illustrations.
Hmmm....Union of Women. We have to get organized, you're right. We need to have meetings so we can talk and strategize and talk some more, then decide who's bringing the baked goods to the next meeting.
I'll offer to write the training manual. We should probably note your helpful hub in the recommended reading section.
Man, I hope we don't have to eat the heads off of chickens or something in preparation for this.
Well, Shirely, you can't really expect to compete with the lady mantises if you're going to get all squeamish. Suck it up and start ripping some chicken heads off then work your way up the food chain towards your man.
You descriptions comparing insects to humans are very accurate, especially your black widow male/human male analogy.
I just have to say...absolutely hilarious :D. Not to mention just a little bit too accurate on the temperament of the human female, but gosh darn it he should know I'm boss! I will show this to my significant other, he can certainly identify with the misery of your life dealing with the female of the species ;)
Though for the record...I may be a nag but he got it easy during the whole pregnancy thing, now he must pay!
Shirley...I am intrigued by the idea of formalized training in brutality, though I doubt such measures against chickens are necessary as it is not difficult to find weakling human males that would make excellent training tools. Sign me up, and I'll even bring the cookies this time ;)
I used 10 tissues in the last 20 minutes reading your Hub and its comments, half to blot up the laugh tears and the other half to mop up the coffee I smacked over the side of the desk in a convulsive fit of laughter.
Lauren rocks, just like her dad. What a team!
Watching that video gave me that same feeling as slowing down to see a wreck on the highway. And I too LOVE Lauren's illustrations. Another very funny hub!
@ Sweetie
Thank you. I strive for absolute scientific precision when I write these hubs. Putting out anything but genuine facts would be shocking to me.
@Wychic
Are you certain that your HUSBAND is the one that must pay for the pregnancy thing? You said yourself that you can be a nag, and yet, you were not able to nag him so brutally that he finally submitted to the raw enormity of your termagant nature. Don't take it out on him. Just practice your nagging skills and do it right on the next one.
@ Sally
Well, sorry about that coffee thing, but I'm glad you had some laughs. I will convey your compliments to my co-conspirator ... er co-researcher in this scientifically sound article.
@Dineane
Yeah, I cringe the whole way through the video too. RmR suggested the males bring an energy drink to hand her, you, so right after everyone is... uh... done, he stuffs a bottle of Rockstar in her face or something. Too bad they're just dumb bugs, they'll never think of that. Oh well. And thank you for the kind words, I'll be sure to tell my daughter her fine work is appreciated across the globe.
shadesbreath...I'm lovin the advice on the email...and will put it to practice!! thank you!! I sent you a paragraph to see if I'm on the roll....LOL
thank you and I can't wait for your next hub!!! what ELSE could you be thinking of???
Haven't got the paragraph yet, but looking forward to seein' it. As for what's next, who knows. When the muse comes, I channel her best I can.
Hahaha! Funny stuff there dude! I like <3. Keep up the good work!
Thanks Meta, I will try. :)
The mantis one was brilliant.
Why do us guys always get such a rough time with women though? At least when my ex tried to 'bite my head off' I managed to survive by divorcing her!
Yes, and then she bit the head off your bank account instead?
(The above comment is no commentary on the females of the human species beyond an extrapolation of the data so meticulously gathered during the course of the research for this academic article, and in no way reflects the views of its author who holds women of the human species in the highest regard. And terror.)
i had to scroll down for an hour to reach the bottom of comments. that says it all. very funny presentation!!
Thanks, Nisanth, I appreciate your appreciation lol. Honestly, the comments some people made are actually as funny or more so than the hub, check em out if you get time.
Head off his bank account, huh???? *breathes fire and prepares to shoot poisoned darts out of ears* (Yeah, that's some well-advised terror you have there!)
I'm kidding. Just in case.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! *lol*
@Maylinda
Whew, I was just grasping for some tin foil with which to make myself fire-proof armor when I saw that "i'm kidding" thing. Whew. One can never be to careful with the female of the species, after all. :P
Ananta, all I can say is, uh, knowledge is power? :)
You tell that to the female of the species, Shadesbreath. Because I wouldn't dare. I'd probably end up with my head bitten off or worse ;)
Nah, just make up an angle on it like, "...the power to serve you better, my lady," or "... the power to better understand my place." Then you're golden.
We truly are pathetic, aren't we? *lol*
Wychic - sorry it took me so long to respond, I was busy booking the meeting room and getting the word out to the grapevine. This is going to be quite a coup! I'll bring the coffeemaker, and of course we'll have wine.
What are you going to wear? I don't know what kind of outfit one wears for this sort of thing. If we're going to start practising, I guess a stylish slicker with jaunty hat?
lol @ "slicker." No chance you could just make the cut neat or something, Shirely? It has to be a grisly hamburger flinging kind of thing?
/sigh
Of course.
I might be sick that day.
I feel a cough coming on...
/cough
see.
LOL...I don't blame you, but we gals were hoping you'd be the guest speaker and offer up a little instruction.
If you're squeemish about decapitation, perhaps we could start with disembowelment. But, you're the science teacher, we're just the students eager to learn to emulate nature.
Oh, oh... nothing like a nice evisceration for a good time. Fine. I'll take a lozenge and be there (wearing chainmail underneath my shirt).
This is a fantastic hub - funny and interesting - great job! :)
Thanks very much for saying so, Amy. :)
hahaha this is sooooooo funny. I enjoyed reading your hub. I should let my husband read this too. thanks for the smiles :)
Beth, your laughter is my reward for this silliness and I thank you for it very much. And yes, you should let your husband read it, he will see that he doesn't have it as bad as the other species on the list. lol
Shadesbreath says:6 days ago
Quensday,
Male BW1 will probably just use the cash to buy Sheila a drink tomorrow night, but hey, nature is what it is. And "some organisms?" lol Just "some?" Me thinks it might be more than that.
I am still laughing. I have to object to the timing of the death
'Male BW1 will probably just use the cash to buy Sheila a drink tomorrow night.'
I laughed about Sheila and now you have blown it for me. You convinced me the BWM would be dead and now he is alive to buy another drink the next night. Has Darwin come back to haunt us?
marisuewrites
I have just managed to get over the above young lady with her Pentagon
and now I assulted with this.
Who can one believe in?
Great hub I will search out about the bees and ?????
Thank you.
No, no returning Darwin. BW2 died though, BW1 was the "loser" that night and ended up going home alone. No worries though, Sheila surely got him once he got that check. I haven't been next door to check, but I'm sure he's toast by now.
Okay okay....enough. Somebody has to stand up for Sheila here alright?! All this Sheila bashing....
I understand about the whole...bed 'em and dead 'em. thing. But now you are inferring that my client...that's right, she hired me to defend her image against further defamation...that MY client is also a GOLD DIGGER too?
Your people will be hearing from our people soon...
spryte, esq.
More killer coquette than gold digger, but you bring up an interesting point. Perhaps we should check the credit card activity of the late male BW2 and see if he's still spending money. Hmm. Thanks for tipping your client's cards.
Ha! You think you are so clever! (evil smile)
It was common knowledge amongst the clientele of "The Shed Bar" that the supposedly late male BW2...remember a body was never found...didn't even have a job, much less a decent credit rating.
Anyway...the point is moot since Sheila is actually Mrs. BW2...
*slaps wedding license on the table*
Las Vegas isn't far away, y'know...and...of course the word "widow" should have been a big clue for you...
*smirks*
Egad, you are a wiley thing. You're right, there was no body.
Hmmm
Perhaps the legal team will have to suffice with civil court.... we'll get her on lesser charges then. Maybe incest or polygamy given the same last name. Yes... I think that's the way to go. Again, thanks for pointing that out.
Drat! I'd heard you were a wickedly, dastardly, conniving opponent...it seems I may have underestimated your skills...
Unless...
*smiles deviously*
By all means...please file polygamy charges. It'll be interesting to see you produce even one husband..or evidence other than the license I just gave to you...*arches eyebrow...camera zooms in for close up as mysterious music is heard in the background...*
As for incest...I'm not sure where the idea for that insuation came from, but consider yourself notified that it has been added to our anti-defamation suit.
We should also mention at this time that we are filing abandonment charges...
Ok OK dammit, I admit I am BW1 (or is that BW2) in hiding. As she (the BW female) bared her fangs at me I scuttled out. Using all my legs as fast as I could scuttle. But that Spryte lawyer creature is just trying to get in on the action. Perhaps she is a closet black Widow female seeking to attract stupid unwary males into her lair or is it Web. If she is human perhaps she acted for Lorena Bobbit and we all know what she did! Shades desist I am alive!
Spryte, I confess to shaking the tree a bit with the incest thing... as soon as I find a decent spider geneologist we shall see if the common surname is as rampant as it is purely by marriage. I will tell you, I followed your lead and went down to county records and, low and behold, did you know there are 236 marriage licenses on fine? Hmmmmmmmmmmm? Were you aware of that little detail? Perhaps you didn't notice that when you were getting the one you got. Maybe next time you won't send an intern to the county clerk. Hahaha!
However, because Sixtyorso has admitted (or been paid by you) that he is in fact BW2 in hiding, I will desist until we can find more evidence in that regard. The other 235 cases are still under investigation, however. (236 again if BW1 doesn't turn up, he is not answering his phone.)
Sixty, we will need you to come in so we can take some DNA samples to confirm that you are you.
Ah Shade, *sadly shakes head*....
While it was obvious to me that Sixty could not possibly be our missing BW, just for the record, I took this claim to my client.
While Sheila does admit to having seen Sixty before at the Shed Bar, she is not attracted to the Daddy Long Legs species..as you no doubt have realized, our Mr. Sixty is...
*slides a file over to you*
As you can see here, she has filed a restraining order against Sixty. There are also charges of stalking and verbal assault. A woman can only take so much "Who's Your Daddy?" before she must defend herself...
*puts on glasses and riffles through the licenses*
Hmmm...yes...just as suspected....
You've also been the unwitting victim of the county clerk...one Little Miss Muffet who has her own very personal agenda. If you look closely at these licenses, you will see that they are all photocopies of the same license...all 236 of them.
*neatens up the pile of licenses and places them in yet another folder*
The woman needs some serious help. Sheila merely "sat down beside her"...and there was no need to behave as she did. Why she persists in harrassing my client can only be due to the fact that Sheila is black. The Rev. Al Sharpton is pretty sure we have a case of racial profiling here...or at the very least discrimination.
Do you have anything else that my client can use? The weekend is coming up and my client has informed me that she'll be somewhat busy and unavailable...
Of course you went there. The last bastion of a spider with no genuine defense. It should be noted that the victims and perpetrator were all the same race of spider. Nice try.
I suppose it won't come as a shock to you that investigators found wallets, identification and personal effects belonging to 227 of the 235 victims an hour ago buried in the dirt beneath Sheila's web. I'm afraid she will have to cancel her "plans" as officers are on their way to arrest her now.
Bah...all circumstantial evidence. I am confident that Sheila will be exonerated. So bring it on!
For those interested, a defense fund has been set up for Sheila. You may send donations to:
Sheila Defense Fund
c/o spryte
5 Dahmer Drive
Phoenix, AZ 85040
Hey BIL, Finally got linked to your postings. Putting your evil mind to good use I see, C
lol Spryte, watch you actually get checks.
And yep, evil mind present and accounted for.
Shade...I hope there isn't a Dahmer Drive in Phoenix....
:)
Hahaha... I didn't even catch that. Saw an address and skimmed. My bad too, being a fan of the fine detail.
best hub ever !!! The seahorse stuff was great. Yes, the human male has it rough.
Are you going to equalize this by giving the other side of the story? Like listing the five worst species to be a gal? (could be a winner) Do you know how long elephants have to endure pregnancy? Do you know that giving birth to an elephant or two does to one's figure?
Yeah I thought about it myself-- but thought you might want to take a shot at it.
Thanks Moefry, appreciate that.
And Rochelle, if I do, I only need to add four. This hub came off of the Bee one I linked. But I suppose I could balance it out and make a female one too. I'll stew on that see if I can find a humorous angle, but don't hesitate on my behalf if you have some ideas. You're hubs are hilarious. Be a kick to read your take.
You will note that being a Daddylonglegs actually saved my life. I went to our local Police station and submitted my DNA for verification (or is that villification) so my spit is in the mail. Ps how could you miss Dahmer drive!
BTW I think a hub on being human and female could have some interesting turns, How I avoided Dahmer, Green River killer, Boston Strangler not to mention Hannibal Lecter (alias Paraglider), Jack the Ripper and he russian guy. Dating seems to be a dangerous game all round.
...or maybe a hub on the observation that men tend to be serial killers more frequently than females...and why. Tongue in cheek of course...
I'm not sure how I missed it Sixty. I do have a penchant for beer, so, perhaps I will blame that for now. lol.
Spryte, that may be the perfect angle to take... WHY men become serial killers. Of course, that might end up being an extension of the Sea Horse phenomenon played out to it's ultimate end when they can no longer deal with it anymore.
I'm still waiting for the muse... they can't be forced to come, they simply arrive when they will. The more you seek one, the more elusive they become. At least in my experience.
Great hub! I was trying to think of something terribly witty to add, but I think I'll just leave it at... great hub!
It's an exacerbated payback, really and truly. Prior to the separation of the sexes the state of the union was hermaphroditic. Eve keeps getting blamed for the woes of mankind and she is tired of the injustice. So pissed off is she that she sent a wave among the creation. Adam was the first nagger. He turned to Eve and said 'what are you doing outside of me instead of inside?" Eve replied: "Well if you're going to have that attitude, best you keep your mouth shut." And so the world turns.
And this is my son??????????????
*perks up*
Oooooh somebody is gonna get grounded!!!
By the way....Jewels is now co-defense for Sheila. I like her attitude!
I see a "join the dark side of the force" in my future.
@ Abigail, thanks. I appreciate that. :)
@ Jewels,
TEchnically, Adam was not "nagging" he was admonishing her that she had forgotten her place. Big difference between helpful admonishment and death-nagging. :P
@Spryte.... Assemble your forces as you must, the outcome will remain the same. Sheila will fry once the evidence is processed.
What do you mean "dark" side???
Psst, Jewel...don't forget to bring the cookies to our next meeting. It's your turn.
Sprtye, that was angled at Clay's announcement that I am his son... Darth Vader followed a similar announcement with and invitation to the dark side, I was just wondering if one was forthcoming for me. I could use some magic power anyway.
Ahhh...okay, we're even again. You miss a Dahmer, I miss the "Luke...I am your father" reference.
I own the dark side - I'll kill you with my tray if you're not careful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LzE_qEvWCw&eurl
All my love, Eve.
Shades I have always contended that you are rather more 3cp0 than Luke. Intellectual but a strange body. I think we need to engage Wooki as our council in the upcoming spider widow matter. The squeals urghs and groans will have opposing council and the jury tied up fior months in interpretation. besides Spryte may fall for Wooki unleashing (potentially) a third force with dsatardly consequences of (ehm) issue!
WOW !!
Cute article! I'll have to show this one to my husband :)
"besides Spryte may fall for Wooki unleashing (potentially) a third force with dsatardly consequences of (ehm) issue!"
LOL Sixty! Are you referring to the "gas" chamber?
Alright Spryte, we are even. I do hate a tipped scale that isn't in my favor. And, you're on your own with Sixty and the Wookie.
Jewels, ... ROFL at that vid. I hadn't seen that. Frickin hilarious. You signed your post Eve, but aren't you Jeff?
And Sixty, I think I like the 3pO idea, but I've got more of an R2D2 body LOL. Well, except the wheels.
Oh, and the lazers and little arc welding arm thing. That would be cool.
Oh, and I don't have a cool movie projector either.
And I'm tall.
Ok, R2D2 maybe wasn't the right way to go. ... I can whistle though. So, I got that.
@ Starcatchinfo: Um, Wow, indeed!
@ Karen, please do. We'd love to have both of you jump in on the absurdity of it all. I mean, absurd not including the highly scientific parts of course, which are total empiricism and stuff.
I think we're all certifiably NUTS hahaha this is hilarious
its the never ending story....lol
It's sure been fun for me, that's for sure Marisue. I mean, I just put up an informative nature hub for children to find facts when they research their homework assignments, and look what you guys have done with it.
:P
Spryte
Ouch! now the poor BW female is facing an execution by gas chamber. Surely Lethal injection with Th(f)angs is the way of the spider world. But I was more pondering what a cross between a Wooki and a Spryte may be ( a tall hairy faerie maybe?) and of course to fit into this hub category. The spryte would have exterminate the wookie, thereby alienating a generation of Star war lovers.
Talk about "boldy going where no-one has been before".
'Beam me up Scotty before I get attacked by this planet's inhabitants".
Oh, I could never exterminate a wookie though...or an Ewok for that matter. It's that old lotsa fur = lotsa fun thing.
I've never heard of a "Sprookie"...but I suppose it's possible. As long as the hybrid didn't end up as some spoiled Hollywood starlet's pet, it might be interesting. :)
What the heck just happened? lol
Gotcha!
Scary, ain't it? lol. Thanks for the comment Nytsmasher.
I am a biology major, just so you know. I know this is not real science, but let's not use words against their meanings. What is with all that about "woman" sea horses and "man" spiders? A boy of any species is a male, but only a human can be a man. Likewise, a girl of any species is a female, but only a human can be a woman. If you don't believe me, read a biology book, please. Male and female are the only formal universal terms for the sexes, when in doubt. A horse can not be a man any more than a human can be a stallion.
Jack, you are awesome and thank you so much for clearing that up. Man, I hate when I screw stuff like that up.
I am a biology major, by the way. You have a reference to the alleged "pregnant man," and I must inform you that SHE is still biologically a female. In order to truly change sex, one would have to go through every single cell and replace the appropriate chromosome on Pair 23.
Contrary to popular belief, by the way, black widows only sometimes eat their mates. Many male scorpians are fast enough to escape when the females are about to strike. Believe it or not, a healthy human relationship is an equalistic one. Congratulations on being right about the mantises.
I have no problems with being a guy (and yes, I am one). My female friends treat me just as well, better if anything, than my male friends, and I have just as many of them. While I am aware of the difference between friendship and rommance, my parents have a truly equalistic relationship.
Pssst, Jacques Bonhomme, ... this is actually mostly a joke. See, that history about the Seahorses, I have to tell you, that was TOTALLY made up. Seriously, it was. Don't use any of that on a test if you get one on marine biology. You will get a bad grade. See, what I do is, I take just a teensy bit of truth and then I make up this other stuff and tie it to teensy bit of other truth and then, with some silly pictures you have a gag. It's fun. :)
Anyway, I noticed you didn't comment on the seahorse one, so I only say this because I thought you might have taken that one seriously, unlike the other ones that you did catch (well, except the mantises, but thanks, I did my best on them... but how did you not notice the footage of the black widows was fake?)
(Oh, and this comment is also just in fun. So, thanks for your comment, which I also give an 89% chance as intended as fun too. :)
Did your wife go through this hub (or you don't know what's coming your way when she finds out)..hehe. Sea horse is such a cool father maybe its the extreme kind of parental rearing. Btw I saw Penguins movie and both the parents take so much trouble to raise the baby that's so touching:-
Shades: This was written before my auspicious arrival here in hubtown, and am still getting to stuff written PC (pre-Christoph). This showcases your usual finely honed wit with a dash of absurdity, a pinch of silly, and melted bravado over all. Well done! I did want to point out that the teaching of that MORONIC Darwin have been solidly disproven as the work of SATAN and his MINIONS. Anyone who is STUPID enough to believe this SACRILEGE is clearly either GROSSLY IGNORANT or a HARBINGER OF DOOM, PROPHET OF BEELZEBUB, HATER OF CHILDREN and DOG KICKER. Or not.
No videos, and I really wanted to get my praying mantis nature documentary on. Kudos also to Lauren, who is really quite talented. She'll be working for Pixar in no time.
At one time I was trying to develop a comic strip where all the characters were anthromorpized insects. There was a Preying Mantis couple, with him the towns reverend and she his incessantly nagging wife - whom he was terrified of.
Great job! What a hoot!
CW.. yeah, my wife saw this. YOu have to realize, I've been married to that poor woman for over 20 years. She figured out a long time ago how to ignore me LOL. (Btw, I loved that movie).
Yeah, Christoph, I guess you did miss this one. Glad you found it. There's probably a few chuckles for you in my old stuff, given we share a bit of point of view. lol. Frankly, I wrote a poem for my Tips for Dog Owners hub that made me laugh my ass off. At the time, I had no readership (and maybe the hub is only marginal, or too close to the Neighbors one) but, I swear, Keats and Shelley got nothing on my dog poem.
Then I shall go to the dogs. It won't be the first time!
I missed this one too! ROFLMAO at the banter between Shades and Spryte. Well done. :) This was a super fun read, so fun that I've nearly forgotten I have a teenager to drive to school in about 2 minutes.
Quick tale....my grandmother was married 3 times and the 2nd two times were after the age of 60. Her husbands kept dieing on her. In fact, the 2nd one only lived about 6 months. Word has it that he insisted they sleep in the same bed, then the next thing you know he was DEAD! After the 3rd husband died, I affectionately started calling her "The Black Widow."
And another funny fact...when she was 90 she had a boyfriend who could have been husband number 4, but she refused to marry him even though he did everything possible to change her mind. I think she was half afraid he might die or something. ;)
Thanks for a super read Shades. :)
Shades, I cannot believe that you actually convinced me to watch insect porn, and this early in the morning before I have even finished drinking my cup of coffee. I am shocked! Actually, glad I decided to stalk CR and made it over here. This is some pretty funny stuff. I think in the name of equality you should have to do one for females. Hmm, never mind.
BTW, your daughters artwork is awesome, two talented people in one family is two many and you guys are over your limit.
Pam, you can't really blame her on the last one. I'd start feeling cursed too. It's a silly thing to believe, but it's entirely in keeping with how our minds work. I'm glad you got a laugh out of this. Actualy, I'm pretty happy it got resurected. I'm pretty grateful for those two guys who popped in out of the blue (or one guy maybe?) and fired it up for a night.
And Gwendy, you know you like watching a little bug on bug action. Everyone does, just some of us try to hide it. I probalby should do one on women, eh? I was going to after I wrote this one, but figured I'd let this one have it's moment,then it got lost in the shuffle of time. (And I'll tell her she has another fan of her art. She is pretty awesome with that stuff, ain't she? heh. I laughed so hard the first time I saw that first horse falling off the cliff, looking back up with that sort of, "what?" thing going. Great stuff.)
I forgot to LOL over the black widow bar! Too funny! :D
My alias has put me under tremendous pressure to allow her to make a comment. I hope it's ok...
ChiChi slides into the hub and notices the detached head of Shades pictured above in the hub. She picks it up, clutches it to her bosom and croons softly in her unbelievable French accent, "Zaire, zaire my leeetle mantis man head wis no booody, Shishi weeel make it all bet-aire." She plants a drooling wet kiss on the top of his detached head with her grossly over-sized pouting lips and smooths the throbbing manhood veins of his sweaty temples. Suddenly, she spots other man meat specimens across the room and tosses the head aside. "Ooh-la-la!" she exclaims.
ROFL, yeah, great, so I rolled behind the jukebox and now I get to stare into the dusty space behind it until my eyeballs finally dry out and I start to shrivle up like the boiled up victim of some shrunken-head pygmie tribe. Thanks. Sheesh.
You're right, I suppose I'd be a little nervous about more husbands if all of mine kept dieing. And perhaps it's odd for me to find humor in that situation, but why not? It's true, it's odd, and it's kinda funny. ;)
About the guy, you mean the one who took you serious? ROFL!
Oh, sorry about the whole head thing. I try to keep ChiChi from causing problems, but her lust and energy are just so darned difficult to harness. Well, unless there's a whip involved. ;)
Shades, your not suposed to tell my secrets. As for you writing one about females, somehow I think you might want to leave that to someone like Spryte. I think then we might be able to get a true and accurtae view of what 5 worst species to be a female in, or at least a damn funny one. Not that you couldn't do the funny part, but I'm pretty sure you would have us female humans sitting on the couch watching Oprah and eating bonbons.
(gwendy picks up shades head from behind the jukebox cradles him under her arm and takes him home where she puts him on a shelf, where a sexy man should be.)
Pam, yeah that's the guy. I have to believe he was kidding, but if he wasn't, even better. (And does a whip really get ChiChi harnessed, or more like, ready to consider compliance for a time?)
Gwendy: Oh sweet... tell me it's the shelf where you keep your expensive booze? And I might do a bonbons thing, but in the spirit of this hub, I'd need to find women who have it bad. Which might not be funny. It's easy to laugh at guys because, well, guys aren't really sympathetic. Women get lumped into the "women and children" first category, which means that in our heart of hearts, we actually love them. Men are disposable, always have been. It's the way of the world if one pulls their emotional camera back far enough to see us in a broad, historical view. Well, and maybe with an old world lens of Chivalry, but I think it holds beyond just that. (Watch some feminist finds this and jumps all over me.)
Yes, it wasn't that shelf but I can arange that maybe, you might have to fight my husband over the beer though. I won't jump on you, unless your into that sort of thing, then I might consider it.
Hopefully this isnt a hub faux pas, but i imagine your study of these animal mating activities may interest you in this:
http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Art-of-Penis-Fencing-a
which maybe could be called the top species where it doesnt matter what sex you are at all,
I should have offered the topic over to you, you probably would have added more humor to it then I did.
Gwendy, for the record, let us be clear that you are welcome to jump on me at any time you like. If my wife sees, she will probably scratch your eyes out and beat me to death, but, discretion being what it is and timing etc., etc. (And yes, that shelf would be nice, and, since I'm just a disembodied head, a long straw would be good. Your old man can have the beer as long as someone comes and moves my straw into a full bottle regularly, I'm happy.)
And Sunforged, I don't mind the fun folks dropping a link to something that relates to my hubs at all. (Some people do, but those are usually the anal ones whose sphincters pucker and snap loudly when they think someone might steal a rare visitor away). And frankly, you showed your wit the other day in that comment that had me laughing my ass off, so, I'm sure you'll do it fine. I'm off to see how it went.
Pam: You are a laugh riot! All that business about how your Grandma was a seriel killer? The black widow! Hilarious! You should put an act together. You'll be a huge hit on the nursing home circuit! Ha, ha, I can see them now, dentures flying from their laughing mouths, then you can pull out one of those "chattering teeth" things and say, "You dropped something." Oh, my, they'll be rolling in the aisles (just a seizure - it'll pass). The marquee will read, "Pam - The "Grin" Reaper - One Night Only - With special guest - Chi Chi Chamois!" And then Chi Chi will make her grand entrance. The old geezers will be dropping like flies (or black widow heads, or something). As your new agent, Shifty Shylock, I will personally see to all the details. We'll make a fortune on the auxillary sales (meaning "from a bag") of sedatives and glycerin pills alone. We'll be rich, rich I say! Laughing all the way to the blood bank! I'll send a contract right over.
Can I tell you all a question? So, everybody can see a preying mantis video up there? Cause I got nothing. If you can, where is the video linked, i.e., is it youtube, etc.
I almost overlooked this one. I didn't realize you wrote sad stories. I hate it when sad stories end up having sad endings too.
Here Christoph: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYp_Xi4AtAQ that's the direct link. It still works for me in the hub. Too bad you didn't get to see it first, it's pretty funny crap. Just proves that God is funnier than we are, because you can't make up stuff like that. lol
And yes, Benson, isn't it just tragic? lol. Not as tragic as not getting to jump out of the closet on a hawt chick because of a pink lizard, but tragic just the same.
ROFL @ Chris! The first order of business is for Shifty to find a way for all those insurance policies to be switched over to my name...er...our names before we entice those old geezers to start dropping off like flies. :D You're too funny!
I'm off to see the penis fencing competition.
Alright, Pam. I won't be there until the finals, which I am expected to win "zippers down."
Don't bring a rapier to a broadsword convention. (Switchblade to a saber match?) (pocket knife to parry a poignard?)
LOL, that was so funny in the end =)). Yes u're right us humans do tend to act like those other species listed above sometimes :)) .
yo shadesbreath...you gotta help me out here...again...i'm being bombarded by all the fair ladies on hub pages...they are demanding that you post a current portrait of yourself on hubpages...you're welcome...he he...pylos26
LOL, well, Pylos, that pic of me on number 5 up there is only a few months old; that's as current and as posted as it's gonna get.
haha love it!!! Gotta give it up for the bad ass animal and insect ladies! Showin them whos boss, lol
LOL, yes, for those who admire the strong, independent woman, this hub has a certain extra appeal. :D
thats kinda disgusting! but very informative, oh and by the way, you may rise and baske in my awesomeness!!!!!!!
Thanks, I'm glad you found the information, uh, informative. And I will put you on my basking list for the next time I'm in the mood for such activity, but I must warn you, I'm not a big basker.
|
Sports & Games T-Shirts Choose From 4 Designs 100% Cotton Men's Football Ninja
Current Bid: $7.99
|
|
Vintage 1983 Playschool Ford Bigfoot 4x4x4 Monster Truck
Current Bid: $2.99
|
|
|
Sports & Games T-Shirts Choose From 4 Designs 100% Cotton Men's Football Ninja
Current Bid: $7.99
|
|
Paranorm Volume 1" paranormal 3hour DVD NEW Bigfoot Lake Monsters GHOSTS UFOs
Current Bid: $10.00
|
|
|
Sports & Games T-Shirts Choose From 4 Designs 100% Cotton Men's Football Ninja
Current Bid: $7.99
|
|
AMT ERTL SNAPFAST BIGFOOT MONSTER TRUCK PICKUP CAR CRUSHER MODEL KIT
Current Bid: $9.99
|
|
Solid Brass Moneyclip- SEAHORSE design
Current Bid: $4.50
|
|
Vintage Style Bronze Chain Black Glazed Sea Horse Necklace Pendant
Current Bid: $2.38
|
|
OCEANSIDE PEBBLE BEACH SEALIFE STARFISH SEAHORSE TRI TONE LACY BIB NECKLACE
Current Bid: $21.49
|
|
SEAHORSE CAMEO PENDANT NECKLACE SWAROVSKI CRYSTALS FISH SEA MARINE LIFE JEWELRY
Current Bid: $19.99
|
|
SHOREWARD GIFTS - Satin cord necklace with seahorse pendant
Current Bid: $3.99
|
|
|
SHOREWARD GIFTS - Satin cord necklace with seahorse pendant
Current Bid: $3.99
|
amy jane Level 1 Commenter 3 years ago
Very funny! We women aren't that bad, are we? I would love for men to experience pregnancy for JUST ONE DAY!!! Ooopps...did I prove your point? The old nag is great (I never nag my husband, for the record)...love the illustrations!