The Top Five Ways NOT to Make Money Online - Secrets of Anti-SEO
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So much noise and wind is being made by people like Misha and Sunforged and Darkside and others about how to make money online. They have all these secrets that help you get your articles out there and picked up by search engines, optimized by key words, read by people, clicked on by people, make money, blah blah. So what? Everyone writes articles about that.
What's that? You don’t think everyone is writing about that? Really? Go do some keyword research on “make money online” and see how that comes up. Go ahead, do it. I dare you. You’re going to find way over a million searches and a huge category that, obviously, everyone is writing to and competing for traffic and clicks. Sure, Misha and those guys are all good at it, and they’re honest and their stuff works, unlike a lot of the crap out there, but that’s not my point. So what if they’re knowledgeable and profitable? Big deal. So are Bill Gates and Warren Buffet.
I know something all those guys don’t.
I know how to NOT make money online. Those guys don’t know one thing about that. In fact, they suck at not making money. That’s why they don’t write about it. They can’t even do it. Hah! Which means, there is nobody writing about it at all. Search it. You’ll get nothing. (Notice the image below … and that I had to cheat and drop the “how to” part, because if you search how to not make money as a whole, you get NOTHING. Doesn’t even come up.)
But don’t think less of these illustrious Hubbers for it, because most people don’t really know how to not make money online like I do. I mean, sure, a lot of people have some degree of gift for it, but have they refined it down to a science like I have? I think not. Nobody makes no money online like I do. Some might say, “Oh, if you do this you won’t make money,” or maybe, “I didn’t do such and such, and that didn’t make any money either.” But that’s not expertise. Not like the kind I have. So, while it may seem a bit egotistical to compare my accomplishments to someone like a Ryankett or Mark Knowles or Edweirdo, the truth is, I am easily their equal, if not far superior to them, when it comes to the anti-SEO skills and the techniques required to not make money online. And, because they are all good people and decide to share their secrets with you from time to time, I have decided, in my own particular brand of goodness, to share my secrets of not making money online with you too, so you will have balance in your approach to the Internet. You won’t be stuck with only their advice. So without further adieu, here’s all you have to do.
1. Pick Stupid Keywords
That’s right, you have to pick stupid keywords. You just can’t go for keywords of stuff that people might actually search for if you want to wipe out financially online. You have to be VERY careful in your choice of keywords or you might accidentally get traffic to your article—that is VERY bad for not making money online. Even one visitor might accidentally click on some ad or another and end up buying something and then you are screwed right out of the gate.
So, that said, pick really horrific ones. Pick something like Pus Flavored Tooth Paste or maybe Barbed Wire G-Strings. Spend some time thinking about it; be creative; think of things that just don't go together at all. Then test it. Check it out on Adwords and make sure it won’t get any traffic. Do your homework or you might make money and totally defeat the purpose. So don’t be lazy.
2. No Directory Submission or Backlinking
No matter what, you must never, ever submit to a directory submission service, any kind of backlinking tool or even blog about your article. You must never do it. In fact, if you really want to make sure you don’t somehow get listed somewhere, go to all the most popular sites like Shetoldme.com or Stumbleupon.com or even straight to Bing or Yahoo and find out how to get in touch with someone in charge. Write them an email that includes your user name and the address of your article. Tell them that you are a voracious spammer and a hacker spy from China and are going to take down their website if they mess with you. Tell them you know their home addresses too, and where their kids go to school. Then say something bad about their mom. That should be good enough to get your article cut off or blocked forever. Then you don’t have worry about someone else trying to stick it on there and screw your goal of zero revenue.
3. Spell Like Crap
Spelling correctly is a number one way to end up with some damn person stumbling upon one of your hubs by mistake. Take for example my example of Barbed Wire G-Strings. Obviously nobody is looking for barbed wire g-strings. They’re too painful even for the pain-loving, leather-clad crowd. So, nobody will seek them. However, someone might find an article with this keyword phrase just by using the term “g-string” despite how many other articles and things are out there on that topic. It’s unlikely, but it could happen. They find your hub, there’s some Frederick's of Hollywood ad on there, and BAM, you just made money. YOU FAIL!
So, to prevent that from happening, spell bad. The correct way to spell Barbed Wire G-String for optimal poverty is: Xiodialm opoeaajaiopj eoia#a;d. See that. I didn’t even try to spell it right. I just mashed the keys. BAM, that’s my spelling. I will never, ever get any search traffic ever with a hub dedicated to keywords with that spelling. Ever.
4. Insult the Reader
Now, with all that done in steps one through three, it is still possible that you find yourself with someone navigating their way to your article. So, if this is the case, there is really nothing you can do about it since they are already there. However, what you can do is run them off right away. I like a good insult right out of the gate. I often start my hubs with things like:
“Welcome reader. Obviously since you have come to this article you are a moron. I’m not sure if it’s just stupidity that brought you here or if you are a retarded spastic. I’m guessing the latter, and your most recent spasm has you lolling about face-rolling the keyboard which has brought you here randomly—likely at this very moment you are drooling into your keys prior to the short circuit that is going to electrocute your eleven remaining brain cells to steaming nothingness in that cavernous, elephant-man head of yours. Please leave or I will commence tracing your IP and bombing you with virus spam from now to eternity. Thanks.”
That’s my favorite one, which you are free to use, but I’m sure you can think of one that works even better to repel people from your hubs too. Something uniquely you. Have fun with it.
5. Blow Up Your Google Account
This is probably the easiest one, but, I’ll be honest, it’s so easy that only rookie Internet paupers try it. There is no style in it. It is the black hat method of anti-SEO. But, I’ll share it with you anyway, just so you know it. It’s very simple really. Navigate to the Google TOS and read it carefully. Take note of everything they say not to do. All the stuff about graphic content, sexuality, porn, racism, hate, revealing Google secrets, all that stuff. Memorize all that stuff and then just do all of it. Write a hub about racist sluts who hate homosexuals and show lots of pictures and videos of them having sex while screaming out the intricacies of Google’s Adsense program in every finest detail. Do that and you are sooooooooooo out of here.
Like I said, it’s sort of a cheap way of doing it, low brow and won’t earn you any respect from those of us in the HP community who make no money by way of our artistry in repelling readers, but hey, it’s your deal. If you can live with it, I’m not going to judge you.
Conclusion
I really hope this helps you in your efforts to earn nothing on the Internet. I realize at first you might end up making a few pennies by mistake, but if you keep working at it, practice what I have taught you, you will eventually be able to rest assured there will be no checks waiting for you in the mail. And that, my friends, is the measure of your awesomeness.
I’d love to see Ryankett, Misha or Sunforged try to accomplish my level of mastery at that!
I have included a 6th tip for failing online, did you notice it?
See results without votingExamples of hubs NOT making any money!
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A fun yet factual look at why women like cats, the incontrovertible evidence documented and illustrated with scientific accuracy on a level only possible because the article is written by a guy. - 3 weeks ago
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Critical analysis and review of John Daulton's novella, Auction Yard. - 2 months ago
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I bow to the master of internet poverty! I've been using most of these techniques, but I still get 30-40 visits a day. I'm working on it, though. I've been working on a video called "Does This Look Infected?"
WOW, I did not even know how good I was at doing exactly what you said. My success rate was 100% before learning the techniques so soon enough I will break all records and owe Google money. How is that for an "A student"?
LOL Para, I have great news for you... your failure is assured with that that keyword phrase... but, if you are hoping for wealth from it, well, um, just rejoice in your success failing.
BT, dude, 30 or 40 visits a day? Really? That's pretty sad coming from someone who has been around longer than I have. You of all people should have less traffic than I do. I'm a little dissapointed, to be honest.
Petra, wow... writing checks to Google. That is failure of the first order. I applaud your fine, fine work. I may ask you to guest host my radio show later this summer. I can only say that I feel like Socrates must have looking up from Hades and watching Plato and Arisotle excell. Nicely done, truly!
This is fantatsic! Im really gooing to havfe 2 try that Microsoft werd trick , its ounds like it may help ,me.
Had a great laugh and appreciate the mention will be blasting this across my networks
ps. thanks for the heads up via email , was to lazy to actually log into Hubpages but its really me
Hello,
I think I will never follow you.
I must admit that I lost patience and wrote a couple of marginally interesting hubs. Not to worry though. I'm over it and right back on the road to success...I mean failure...aw Hell, you know what I mean.
I'm in tears of laughter...this hub should be entered into a Hall of Fame! LOL thanks Shadesbreath
Thanks Sunforged. I normally would call you lots of profane things for even suggesting that you will get readers to a hub of mine, but, since I am breaking out of my usual routine for the benefit of others like me who despise making money online, I appreciate you using your dark, anti-anti-seo powers to help the cause.
Hi Suny. Don't follow me. Don't read my stuff. Don't click on any ads either. Just go away. :)
BT. That's what happens. You have to keep your eye on the ball, you know. Because I like you and think bunnies with antlers are cute as long as they aren't sneaking up behind me, I'm not going to shun you for your temporary success.
Psychicdog... while I appreciate your enthusiasm, you do realize that to be entered into the hall of fame, people will have to have read this, which, frankly, defeats the purpose. This hub must go down in an unread ball of fire to really be meaningful. Otherwise people like Sunforged and Ryankett win. Is that what you want? Next you'll be championing prosperity for all. Where will that sort of thinking lead us?
Hah! Because I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning I hit every ad! And bought two cars! And left a comment! Loser! I win!
A hilarious hub - I loved it.
Very interesting, lol..
Crap. Way to to totally screw me, Wilderness. Fine. I'll remember you.
(thanks :)
Hi liljen23. Try it. It's much more interesting to wipe yourself out financially than to just read stuff. Commit!
Too funny Shadesbreath. Glad you weren't trying to fail in humor!!!
Thanks, Travelespresso... humor is the easiest thing to fail at. I could write a novel length description of that process, lol.
I will try this, Shadesbreath!! I've always wanted to fail at something! Very interesting!
Ahaha, no. 5 is my favorite. I want to see the Youtube videos :)
I am only used to reading hubs that help me MAKE MONEY online, but for a change this was good. I favor people who think differently. Nice one Shadesbreath.
Absolutely too funny Shades. LOL! I laughed so hard I had tears come to my eyes. Unbelievable. Thumbs up! I'll be sure not to follow your advice, considering I like making money online. However, an awesome read. :)
Randy, good luck with it. If you follow my advice, you are assured of success at failing.
Getitdone: I want to see those videos too, honestly. :D
Hi Rema. Wouldn't it be fun if there was a way to make money giving advice on how to not make money?
Wow, top ramen again!
Well, Cagsil, if you want to just be another sheep making money all the time, whatever. You and those other guys who are good at it can just keep cashing checks. Whatever. Maybe you guys can all start wearing matching outfits too? :P
Glad at least someone saw it, Sunforged. :D U know what really has annoyed me on a few hubs over the last two years is my inability to control the order they appear. I seriously hate that. It's very, very anti-satirist friendly.
The Unimpressed Turtle will be most impressed with this hub.
I am always less distressed when the Unimpressed Turtle is impressed. It's almost emotional largess akin to when the undressed Tortoise empress puts on a bathrobe. Or something. :)
Just go spam my hub into the universe with your dark force powers. :)
LOL
So that is how it is done. Me - I own "frongelous facial growth" - Eric Graudins taught me. :)
Eric Graudins is a founding father of anti-SEO. Don't mock him or he will come back and write things about you that will never be read, ever.
This is great! Dang, I've been doing a couple of things wrong. I really need to work on my grammar and spelling!
what a refreshing change- absolutely brilliant lol. what about the rss feedsfor this, shetoldmenotto, istumbleduponit,redditch,xombylike,litter,twofaced,can'tbebothered, and my favourite diggherup.
@ Mr. Knowles. Your "frongelous facial growth" pages occupy the first 10 listings in google. Royalty payments are now due.
Some of the listings in Russian too - which indicates that you are in cahoots with that other layabout, Misha. Always was a bit suspicious of you and your lavish cosmopolitan lifestyle.
@shadecloth: Good to see that you are showing some respect - unlike that other character I've just dealt with.
The anti-seo movement is going well, and I have not made a cent from my all time best SEO success, "Rex the performing ferret", despite the phrase holding the top 4 positions on Google.
I commend this marvellous academic treatise of yours, and my people will be approaching your people with a view to using it as a course reference for my disciples at my Holy Interweb University College Academy Institute of Internet Marketing & Tavern.
Absolutely awesome hub shadesbreath! I could hardly stop laughing long enough to read it...you're going to have to work on this sense of humour if you want to avoid making money online! Too funny!
It's true what they say...success is so often just a case of learning to fail better;-)
Well, I definitely have #1 and 2 down pat. Time to work on the other eight! *g*
Thanks for the good laugh!
Shadesbreath, great tips. Are those negative numbers you've circled in the number of searches column? I've only ever been able to pick topics that don't make money and don't draw traffic. But topics that could potentially make you lose traffic and lose money are beyond even my capacity for not making money! You should probably write another hub: "How to lose money on-line by generating negative traffic."
Shades, I'm going to have to insist that you quit paying me to read and comment on your hubs. How can I deduct my losses on my taxes if this keeps up? I mean, you are losing money, but I have to report this as income! I know it hasn't met the required $600 mark, but if you keep writing hubs, it might get close enough where I would actually have to fill out a tax form or two. So quit it!
By the way, can you cover me for the e.r. visit due to this stitch in my side?
fast track to the trailer park? Are you for real? I was raised in the trailer park, when I grew up and started getting my own disability check, I was able to rent my own trailer. Now me and my wife have a very fulfilled and leisurely life. We have even been able to get involved in the neighborhood and successfully defeated management on the issue of concealed weapons.
Luckily, when the cable guy was here his ladder fell and broke my toe. Now the cable company provides cable and internet for free.
Also, luckily, the garbage truck ran over my wife and so she drives a Scooter for free, and I have free garbage pickup and I charge my neighbors $1 to bring their garbage over on garbage day.
I, sir will never follow your advice, I intend to do just the opposite, already I am up to an average of (let's see, what is 83 divided by 7, hmm? something a little more than 10, let's say 12) 12 cents a day. All I have to do is take what I have done already and do that again a hundred times, then I will be making $12,000.00 a day. When that happens, I am going to have a brand new double wide brought in here with a garden tub and a two car carport and a top of the line hot tub.
One last thing Mr. Know-it-all, puss don't taste that bad, as a matter of fact, there is quite a following for that already. You are going to have a lot of people wanting that puss flavored toothpaste. Furthermore, there are a lot of people who like barbed wire accessories. Just search ebay for barbed wire panties. You will see that when these customers find out that there are barbed wire g-strings available, your article will start earning money.
LOL! Love it! *heading out to write a hub about chickens that can talk"
He-he, barbed wire g-string sounds so USSR-ish :D
Note: Make list of What to do
* Send check to Google!
* Find high traffic words, place them minimum 100 times on ...the same page.. get the benefits! Just make list of high ...traffic words at the bottom of each page! I am looking forward to spending all my money to qualify for that trailer park SteveoMc lives in. I want free garbage! Great hub!
I love it! Now each time a newbie asks me a question, I will send them to this page and tell them to follow every step literally!
ps. I ripped that image off myself :D
LOL
This is a hun fub!
..er....I mean a fun hub!
LOL! google should hire you for their marketing campaigns! satire at its best.
barbed wire g-string - OMG - I'm off to write about it. This is one of best articles I have ever read on Hubpages. What a great way to wake up - laughing! Blow up google ROFL
Wow, totally cool responses. Too many to comment on. I'll just say thanks for the reads and comments, and thanks to those that are poking this around on the Twitters or whatever is being done. The more people who learn how to not make money online, the better. :D
@Eric - I passed on what I considered to be a reasonable amount considering my own vast income from this term - in the form of a donation of used atheist pamphlets to my local evangelical church. They have a plaque in your honor on the wall.
Simply Brilliant.
Simply thank you.
heh, yes very funny indeed :)
what a novel approach Shadesbreath, you definately deserve nothing...(will laugh for 3 days - no more)
Brilliant, simply brilliant.
Can I be a follower? Maita
Thanks Business Info.
Samsons, feel free to laugh longer, I won't tell anyone. It tightens up the abs.
Thanks Jim Hunter. :)
Absolutely, Prettydarkhorse. And if you need any help repelling traffic to your hubs, just ask. I know you have lots of fans and get considerable readership. I can help you prune that down in time. Let me know.
A truly brilliant hub, laughed till I cried. You are the antidote to earnest hubbing. Truly magnificent.
LOL
Very funny read, Shades! And a bunch of very funny comments as well. Too bad your hub actually generated traffic for you, though. :-D I 'helped' you, though, by not clicking any ads. LOL
I don't make any money, either, in spite of a fair amount of traffic. Here's my one-step how-to: Disable ads! If no one can click on ads on your page, you are assured of making zero dollars, in spite of traffic!
Best wishes to all!
Shadesbreath should not drink and hub. Never again. Oh, well maybe when it's this good you should. I mean, look at your avatar-it's assumed.
I'm pretty danged good at not making money, too. I don't even know what a keyword is. Maybe I should consider becoming even better at it. Yep, I think I love your approach.
Bye!
Kathryn, thank you. I have always wanted to be the earnest antidote. Sorry I made you cry. NOT. :)
DzyMsLizzy... tsk, tsk, disabling ads is another anti-SEO black hat technique. Now I know which side of the fence YOU ride on. ;) And you're so right about these people and their commments being funny. That's the best part of writing satire; if it goes well, all the funny people come out to play!
Hah, Lorlie, you're right, it assumed that I drink. And, I'm glad you found the secret 6th technique. Many haven't. Very perceptive. As for not making money, keep working on it. I notice everything in your comment is all spelled properly and punctuated well. That's something you can start working on right away.
Perhaps I spell well, but then, so do you, Shades! We should be flogged! I forgot to mention that in my critique.
Yeah, we're screwed if we keep this up. Need to type our responses into Word and make sure all our words have red lines first.
shhhhhhhh - I don't think anyone even knows I'm here - money making? You've gotta be kidding! lol
It would seem that you missed a very obvious method of not making money on the Internet: not paying your internet bill and accruing late fees and service charges.
I promise not to tell them you are here, Nellieanna. It will be our secret. Me, you and the scads of people who love to read your stuff. :)
Starvagrant, you are correct, that is an excellent strategy for not making money online. That is actually a strategy for how to LOSE money online, which may be a forthcoming project if people keep feeding me ideas like that. :D
This was hilarious - well most of it until I realized uh oh I did that !
Shadesbreath shouldn't drink and hub - love this keyword, think I'll use it in my next hub that doesn't make money. Hilarious hub, well done.
Great and funny hub Shadesbreath. When I first saw the title, I didn't know exactly what to expect. Very refreshing and entertaining, lol. Thanks.
Billyaustindillon, Yes, that's sort of how it goes for me every time I write another article, it's like, "Hah, ha! Uhh..wait, what? (sigh)." :D
MPG, thanks. And that is one of my favorite tags. I wonder if it well be popular and become profitable someday. I'm hoping.
Mquee, hey there. Thanks for the comment (I still think of that one hub you wrote about ATMs every time I use one lol).
Shades,
You've progressed a long way. I'm proud of you.
A possible follow up hub could be about "How to Max Out your Credit Card Buying Stupidly Expensive Adwords Terms that won't Sell a Thing."
This will take your "Make No Money Online" to the "next level", by getting rid of any money that you already have, as well as all that you can borrow.
cheers, Eric G.
You know, Eric, between this suggestion and a couple of others, I really do have fodder for another. I think with a little strategy, and these fine ideas I'm getting, I could really create an amazing destruction of wealth strategy that could out pace anything any of the get rich guys have going. I could start with programs just to wipe out Internet income and then move into actual, career suicide advice. Get a whole capital reduction brand going. Hmmm.....
Great job Shades!
You mentioned my name in the same line as Ryan and Mark - now how am I supposed to NOT make money online when you list me alongside such respectable company??
I broke the $100 Google mark last month, and things were dropping off nicely the last few days! Yesterday I only made $0.39, and I thought for sure that there was no way I'd get another payout by the end of July!
But thanks to you, my earnings will probably go UP again this month :(
So much for me not making money online this month...
I think I found your hidden "6th tip" - should I take credit for teaching you that one? Can't wait for a custom RSS feed about how to fail online :D
U give great advice, so u rank high in my book. And while I do appreciate the rss advice, that's not the secret 6th tip. I'll give u a hint though: it's on the right.
I thought I was the expert in this, but have to admit that I have been slipping up a bit and am beginning to earn a little money. This is apparently what happens when you are not dilligent about paying attention to details.
Sometimes it just occurs without really trying too hard.
It's so hard to wear a black hat in the summer.
Thanks for this, Shades.
(and --oops-- I accidentaly tweeted this)
lol..I may have already followed some of the points mentioned above, more because of my laziness than anything else..Amazing hub! Hilarious, but may be true for some people too...
Rochelle, I know how easy it can be to slip into the patterns of marginal profitablity, but you must resist. Be strong!
(And thanks for tweeting it... I secretly hope that somehow this thing--with all the right key words tucked between the 'not's and 'anti's--ends up on the same page with some of the good ones just so there is balance in the universe, even if it's a satirical balance.)
Calicoaster: You said "laziness" and for a moment I thought someone had stuffed a mirror infront of me... thank goodness that passed. Whew. :)
Sorry shades, you've got no hope of becoming an authority in the capital reduction niche.
That position is firmly help by the worlds bankers and government representatives, who still believe that the way to get rid of debt is to create more of it.
"Shadesbreath shouldn't drink and hub" is the sixth tip I guess. Am I correct? Gosh, I also noticed that all your tags are unrelated except for a couple. Is this a part of your anti-SEO practice?
Dangit, you're right, as usual Eric. How did I not think of that totally obvious thing. The world has great masters of wealth destruction already. Grrrr. I'm always late to the damn party.
Englightenedsoul, you are correct. Terrible tags ARE the sixth tip. Always pick horrendous tags that have little or nothing to do with your article if you really want to fail.
No freakin wonder youre a 99-100, What ever that is. You are one creative s.o.b. Shadesbreath. I must be doing something thing right. As far as I know, I haven't made a dime. My lame writting skills make up for some of these pointers I've been missing, so it worked out. But thanks to your sure fire method for failior, I don't need to worry even if I do learn to write. If I can just resist the urge to use spell check, my crap will not only make little or no sense, but be unreadable thus sending me down the hubtoilet with even greater speed.
Thanks for turning on a light!
Hello, TMWNP, nice to see you again. I can say for certain that if you making no money, than you are doing it perfectly. You might be a natural talent if you are failing online without the advantage of study, but imagine how much worse you can do with folks like Eric Graudins, B.T. Evilpants and myself here in this thread helping you to under achieve!
Ok, so your title lured me in just like everyone else! LOL
Genius!!!
Shadesbreath! this is fantastic! I've been looking everywhere for tips on how NOT to make money online but I couldn't find any advice anywhere. I thought I was doomed to success. Thank you for rescuing me.
Hi VoiceofPraise, I'm glad to know you were properly lured. BUt just think, now you have the secrets to masterminding your own financial ruin!
Hey there IantoPF. I'm happy to have saved you from wealth and prosperity. I would hate to think of you eating well, drinking well and suffering other intolerable effects of a positive cash flow.
Not only did I not get the 6th tip, I misd several of the first five. I am stupider than I thaught apparently. But I've been making $0 for months. Actually, I'm ashamed to admit that I've made a little over $15. But that is for several years werth of effart. Now that you've completely failed, you may want to check this out. http://hubpages.com/hub/How-I-Make-MegaBuck-on-the
I smiled, I laughed, I cringed, and I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Your wittiness never ceases to entertain and amaze!
Hey Stan! Don't feel bad, most people are noticing number 6 (it's the tags :) But I see you have sold out and written on how to make money too, eh? Or, can I assume that hub is you being your usual and delightfully sarcastic self? (I'm going to go find out as soon as I hit enter on this post.)
Jarrod, glad to hear you got to laugh, smile and cringe at this. That sounds like the same review my wife gave me of my, erm, performance the other night... it's becoming a theme in my life. :D
No offense but the way you've presented the screenshots of google adwords keywordtool suggest that you don't know how to use the keyword toool. I just want to let you know that the basic step in keyword research is to change the match type from broad to exact. This way you get the real estimate of the traffic. according to exact searches for the term 'not make money online', it is only searched >10 times in the whole month globally and i see that you've optimized this article for this keyword thinking that there's no competition at all. One more thing is that the keyword 'not make money online' doesn't get any US traffic and if you see the PPC for this keyword it'll be damn low so you end up getting 5 cents clicks or even lesser.
If you want to make money off adsense, then your first priority should be to prevent the readers from reading your article and distract them in such a way that they come click and leave. If they stick to reading, there's a big chance that they won't click on the ads and ultimately you won't get anything out of it.
I hope that my comment will be posted and not deleted.
Khan, I love your comment. Your comment is awesome, and I agree with everything you said. I'm not sure if you are a fan of irony or not, but I am, and, well, that makes it all so much better too. Thank you for taking the time to have a look at my article, whether you read it all or clicked anything (either is a win for me :), and I would sooner smear my ears with jelly and strap myself to an ant hill than delete a well-intended and delightful post like yours, especially given how much it adds to what I have attempted to do with this article (which you may have missed).
Thank you for your comment. :)
The future's so bright I gotta wear shades my man.
The Khan comment! ... how beautiful
@khan.
Thank you for your wonderful comment.
[visible only to khan mode=ON]
You may not know that Shadesbreath is actually a multimillionaire, who does his best to keep everyone else from making any money.
He regularly gives out appalling advice on a range of topics, on the pretext of helping others. It's despicable, and we have tried to get him banned from HubPages many times.
However, for some strange reason people like his twisted writing and hub pages refuse to get rid of him.
His score hovers around 100. What a travesty.
Anyway, thanks for your reasoned, totally correct anal ysis of the garbage that shadesbreath has again foisted on unsuspecting readers.
[visible only to khan mode=OFF]
regards,
Eric G.
Ty, TheManWithNoPants. Let's hope so.
Sunforged, dude, I know, right? Best comment of them all and some of them have been pretty awesome. Khan is awesome, and I know he meant well too, so I wish I could buy him a beer and explain it all so he could enjoy it too. (Either that or he's laughing at me for having missed the fact that he didn't miss anything, which is fine too, he could buy me a beer and explain it to me. Win/win either way, the way I see it.)
... ... ...
Uh, did anyone just hear that weird buzzing sound? I swear I heard someone talking and then it just went away?
You Sir, are a living GOD! Yes, a living God, I say and I stand by it. You practice what you preach to such a high level of competence that even Hubpages did not realise that you wrote a hub and did not include you in the daily circular they make of Hubs by people one follows! Now tell me, who can beat that. Our friend Khan no doubt can do it in his sleep, but I am willing to make a sizable bet of the farm that that is about it.
Besides your splendid ability at manipulating the Internet (and Hubpages in particular) I am in awe at your perceptiveness. How you realised that I am a moron simply by my clicking on your site, I shall never know! Your skills in using the Internet have frighten me Sir, and I am not ashamed to say that I have switched off my camera today when the wife and I …. But that is another story. Suffice to say that I have come to expect everything from you my Dear Sir!
And had it been simply the moron part I could have accepted it as an accident, a simple fluke. But NO! You got the spastic as well and not only spastic, but STUPID spastic and my ex – wife was an observant woman and I cannot believe that she was lying to me when she was addressing me so.
My hair is standing up as I write this and I salute you in absolute enthralment!
YOU ARE THE KING!
LOL, De Greek, I can just see you face rolling your keyboard, blundering into my hub then sitting up, ropes of saliva still tethering your slack jaw to the desk as you salute me, hair all akimbo. I'd kill for that picture.
I'm not sure why HubPages dissed me and left me out of your notification. I shall have to exact restitution from them somehow for that. I think that's got be worth a cool 100 grand if we factor in pain and suffering. I'll show them!
As for dear Khan, he rules. Best comment of all time. I stand by it.
Retribution??? But surely that would be defeating your noble cause! You would end up making money!
Take a leaf out of Petra's book and send a check to Adsense. If you are too lazy to do it, just send it to me and I shall see to it :-))
Hah, your generosity never ends, De Greek. So, so kind of you to handle this odious transaction for me, for you are quite right, I could not take the money, it would pain me so. Although I would try, just to prove I was not afraid, were I to stumble into some Google cash.
So has adsense reached negative payout with you yet? I'm sure they're expecting a cheque from you any day...
Oh they can expect all they want. :D
We would be laughing harder, but we have probably accidently done all the things you list. We would like to make some money, but being paupers is like falling off a log where we are concerned.
Don't know how many times we have got to be top of the Google list for terms that nobody every searches.
We completely failed to understand the HubPages tags until Ryankett kindly explained them in one of his 'how to succeed' hubs.
We have accidently been 'porn' rated (honest!!!)
Well, 2patricias, if your goal is to develop techniques to get to the top, you have to admit, ranking well for Porn has to be considered a real accomplishment. That has to be the most searched area of the internet one would think, so, kudos for that. Just be glad I don't know you well enough to write a hub teasing you about it, proclaiming your porn mastery or something and making a big comical spot light to shine on your obsession! :D
Damn youre good. I im a recent convert to the school of anti-SEO and have so far managed to take my monthly earnings from $435 to $1.49. Obviously I still have a lot to learn, but it's a step in the right direction. Ive unoptimised my site completely now (my title tag says: 'F*%k off, this page is irrelevant', for instance) so hopefully next month I will earn no money whatsoever!
Lukeyg83, that is an EXCELLENT tag for a site, and it is no wonder that you have nearly decimated all earnings. You keep up that kind of fabulous anti-SEO techniques and I see food stamps in your future, my friend. Nicely done.
This has been quite a learning experience for me. Thank you so much for taking the time to provide negative learning tools. Your paradigm illustrates a positively negative reinforcement strategy optimized for optimal web earnings. Or something like that.
Nicomp, I am absolutely uncertain of the gratitude, or lack thereof, that I may or may not bestow upon your remark regarding my positive negative strategies. I hope you do or do not get whatever it is that you vacillate between wanting from your Internet writing life depending upon the nature of the impulse itself.
Or something. :)
Great idea on a hub. This one is great.
Shadesbreath, it is indeed my plan to not implement your negative suggestions in hope of positively impacting my earnings accrual. OK?
Thanks Sjames, that is kind of you to say. :)
Yes, Nicomp, I believe that is possibly quite OK.
"A hub about racist sluts who hate homosexuals and show lots of pictures and videos of them having sex while screaming out the intricacies of Google’s Adsense program in every finest detail." That would be the stuff of legends.
okay I love it, so I am sorry to say that I will not link this hub anywhere but will send it to the appropritte hb of mine which will of course not make us money. We will be laughing all teh way to the bank with ducks on our heels (sorry... I don't know if you read that hub or not... couldn't resist...)
as for me, I will not follow these steps as listed, but I know a few people who need a good laugh...
lol, very funny hub! Nice job :)
Hahaha!!! This is a riot! You really know how to dish out something totally out of this world!
Thanks for making me start with my early morning exercise of laughing!
Have a great day!
Perhaps this is a new idea. This looks like contrarian strategy.
Alex X, I'm with you totally on that. I'm waiting for someone to take my advice and do it. That's a youtube video everyone can enjoy.
Rebecca E, I am certainly happy to have you share the wealth of my anti-SEO knowledge with anyone you think can handle this sort of power. Make sure you distribute it with caution. Imagine the chaos if too many people had it and used it carelessly!
Hi Lilfaerie, thanks (and cute kid :)
Jill of alltrades, I know how to dish out something, that's for sure. But, in the absense of real knowledge, I must dish what I do have in the stables of my mind. :D
Contrarian for certain, Forlan. I come from a long line of contrarians. We can't help it. Thanks for reading.
This is the first thing I have read this morning and it is just brilliant, the tags are so funny too! Thank you for helping me to start my day with a smile! Voted up!
shades,
you'll be pleased to learn the you are at the top of Google for the extremely competitive term
Shadesbreath shouldnt drink and hub
I now expect you to do something about my hub score, which has dropped to abysmal levels.
Hi Alison, I'm glad that you enjoyed the tags. They are the secret 6th technique for wiping out financially online. Nothing says "failure" like really dumb, unrelated tags for your article. Thanks vore the up-vote.
Eric, it does not surprise me that I would own Google for that term as I have spend an inordinate amount of time and money spinning articles and other things to make sure I have supremacy on that one. As for your hubscore, I was under the impression your goal in hubbing was to be the Hades of Hub scores, representing the abyss of article aptitude and the subterranian supremacy of SEO suckage.
Wow! This is amazing advice!!! I can't wait to try these tips :) by the way, I love your tags :)
Thanks, Sara555, tag selection is essential to the destruction of wealth. You pick the wrong tag, you'll get traffic, and then where will you be?
Sorry, but I've got to add that the Khan comment made me smile too. Widely, I'd say. Kepe th hubs cming.:p
Very nice! I've actually made all of those mistakes.
Excellent, reverse psychology does work!
Shades, you have cracked the commercial side.Why don't you follow this up with a hub, "How to lose friends and alienate people".
Hubpageswriter: Khan's comment is going to be hard to top for a long time. I've had some comments on my Gay Proposal hub that were almost as good, but not quite.
Thanks Bryan Eaddy. I think we all make them; I think we have to to figure it out. Unfortunately, I'm too lazy to actually do it right, so, well, I mostly take my own bad advice by default. (sigh).
Creativelycc: Heh, heh. Err... What? I have no idea what you mean! :P
Seanorjohn: Oh, I could do that one for sure! And, I could write it poorly following all the above and make no money WHILE making no friends. Win-Win.
Shades I know I can't take you on the commercial side but I think I can get ahead of you on the social side.I am working on a strategy to lose all my followers in 30 days. The 30 day anti-social challenge.
Alright, I'll accept that you might be able to blow out more friends than I can in 30 days, BUT, can you do it without making a cent? Hmmm?
What a great hub. I loved it, good twist.
Yeah, yeah. Great hub (will rate it "useful") and all that.
But I gotta question your motives.
What's not in it for you, this sudden sharing of your success formula?
That single one cent on my account comes back to haunt me. Yeh, rub it in man.I can't prove that you are somehow connected to this blatant sabotage but I am determined to catch the scoundrel.
By the way, I posted top 5 ways to not make money on the hubbers hangout suggesting you be appointed the alternative extreme hubmakeover champion.Boy you are going to get some heavy duty work coming your way.
Shadesbreath,
I am the Yin to your Yang. I've done the exact opposite of your valuable advice and haven't had a click yet. I think my lethal weapon may be boring topics that people aren't interested in. Or it's possible that I'm in the bizarro world and if I implement your strategies; I will make millions. (sorry folks, no equipment for the video portion)
PS @ seanorjohn- you're gaining followers
Pure awesomeness :D
Kyriana, I have already exposed you as a lying, devious bullshitter on the hubbers hangout.I hope Shades doesn't mind me explaining to his visitors the extent of your deceiving ways.This Kyriana has a hub claiming to be a chief procrastinator.Does that sound like the action of someone who so readily follows me?I have agreed to follow back so I can unearth how else we are being deceived. Public humiliation will swiftly follow.Are you the double dealing jerk who ruined my hub account by giving me my 1 cent revenue?
Freaking Awesome - I'll send all the newbies in the forums here :)
Surf Traveler, thanks for saying so. It was fun to write too.
Mighty Mom, I assure you nothing is not in it for me. You have my word on that. As always, you cut to the chase, don't you. :P
Seanorjohn, I don't know what click on one of your ads in the upper right hand corner on the third of the month you are making reference to and am innocent of all charges. (Thanks for the link in forums too, btw, very cool--and feel free to reveal any of Kyriana's misdeeds as you feel necessary and willing to endure whater wrath you might subsequently incur from her ).
KYriana, perhaps you should resign yourself to a fate of success and just commit to being horrible at not making money by trying to not make money and accept the fact that you are destined to make money trying not to just as you say you are destined to not make money trying to. It seems you have options. Be grateful. Or, don't be grateful and just do it and buy me a new truck, mine has duck poop on it.
FuzzyCookie: thanks. I have pure gratitude for your comment.
Starme: Please do. They need the help. If they find Sunforged first, it's all over. They will be doomed to success.
Hey Shadesbreath...you're right, being an abject failure is hard work. Somehow I've accidentally earned $1.84 thru Adsense during my 6 months here (I don't think I could buy a Popsicle with that). Not only that, someone had the audacity to click on one of my Amazon ads.
What's the world coming to?... (hopefully not my hubs, if I have any hope of being the consumate loser). Congrats on an absolutely hilarious, but useless (and spokeless) hub.
The tags for this thread are hilarious! LMBO! :)
Timorous, it hard to be an abject failure, but if you keep on trying to weed out anything useful in your work, you will eventually succeed. Each year after tax time, you get a fresh slate and a new chance to earn nothing again. Don't despair.
Three-legged dog: I'm glad you appreciated that. Those are my "6th tip" so to speak. :D
Shades, you may not realise but you gave away too much info. I am on your case matey.
Dammit! I do that when I argue with my wife too. I need to work on my tactical argument skills instead of my wealth destruction techniques.
Shades, give up.You know I am destined to be crowned the top anti- social hubber. You will never come close. I am also applying to hubpages to revoke that rogue 1 cent revenue.I might still go for the double.
You made me laugh so hard I almost tinkled! lolololo NOw that I have learned the art of not making money I feel so much better now. lololo Great one Shades! :D
OMG way too funny...
Hey, I'll check out the book below about SEO with the gorgeous gal . . . quit bragging! I know alot about not making money online with Amazon. I'm great at it!
Seanorjohn, I confess that most of my efforts have been on destitution. I hate to admit that I might not have your anti-social prowess, so I won't. I will continue to make noise like I can match you, and work secretely behind the scene writing an article that I will no SEO to undermine you somehow. I'm not sure how that will work, but poor planning is essential to good anti-SEO, so, I'm on it.
AEvans, I'm glad I could help you feel better. Perhaps a blanket to sit on next time before you sit down to read will be in order, just in case. One can never be to cautious when reading satire.
Kmackey: OMG thank you. :D
Hi Don. You win the ducky prize for being the first person to comment on that chick and her sumptuous bootay popping out of the nether regions of this hub. Thank you for that. You know, the little details that we sarcasts place so carefully into this sort of thing can be painful when they are missed. Especially the accidental gems that rear their shiny, well-oiled, erm, heads?
This gave me a laugh! You entertained me so much Shadesbreath! I have to think of considering you as a mentor (lol!) :D
Hi Real McCoy. I'm glad to have entertained you, and it's nice to know my plan has worked, so thanks for saying so. As for the mentor thing, I do charge very heavily for mentoring, and, as you have already begun considering me a mentor, you now owe me money. Please send it right away. Thanks.
I think you are going to make money with this hub... haha
Nothing says "fun" like irony!
Except for sarcasm, right?
Sarcasm is Irony's little sister. :)
You online? Cagsil is running a contest to write a hub in 30 minutes. We would love to have you in on it. I know my hub, at least, will be a huge money loser...
LOL!!! I am brand new at Hubpages so I'm glad I found this in time. I have spent every waking moment of the last week of my life doing it all wrong. I'm glad you set me straight in the beginning. Now I'm going to pick myself up off the floor from laughing so hard and try to compose myself long enough to correct my mistakes!
Seriously, this is incredibly creative and hilarious. I thing you will fail at not making money here. I look forward to reading more from you.
AAAAIAAAA justAA got S.p.a.M.AAAAfromAAAA the F.E>D--AAAAappparentlyAAAAthe'reAAAAupsetAAAA aboot the desstruction of wealth AAAcommentAAAA having eliminated the national debt paid in full. Chairs!
Aww, bummer, Mighty Mom, that would have been fun. I pretty much only do them on Friday nights. It originated almost as a drinking game, to be honest. Cags is gone and made it legit. I'll have to find the thread and see who all you got t come and play.
Hi Tina, that is a very nice thing to see, and I'm glad you got a laugh out of this. Sorry about the floor thing, but I guess that happens. :D Welcome to HP.
Pete Sardino, AAAAAAAA I thoughtAAAAAAA the FedAAAAA LOVED AAAAAAAAAdestruction of wealth.AAA :)
Hilarous! A great way to finish my first cup of coffe, even if I did just spit it out all over my screen. :)
See, DaniS74, technically my techniques are already setting you back financially. Imagine your losses when you use them to write stuff into your computer rather than just spraying on it.
Neat tips! BLowing up GOogle, wow, hadn't thought of that :)
Yes, it's not very admirable to do though. Anyone can break all the rules and get kicked out. It's more fun to suck with style.
Shadesbreath, this is great! Very useful stuff. I need to start implementing some of these steps; my work of late had been threatening to scuttle my hard-fought nonprofit status. Serious insults to come on my next Hub, which will be about farming oysters in your bathtub.
I hear that's a great business to be in, Ericsomething. Good luck with that. Sorry to hear about your impending profits. Maybe you can still catch it in time and wreck it. Good luck with that too.
Very informative and useful! Nice job on putting up together this 5 ways not to make money online haha.. I agree with being on good side with Google.
Wow.... I don't think I've laughed so hard in a while!!! You have a very great wit that's fun to read, all the while offering sarcastic advice. I love it!
Sarcastic? What can you possibly mean by that, Stephanie o? What were you laughing at? Was your cat doing something funny or something while you should have been reading carefully? I really prefer if you focus when you read my hubs and not be distracted by amusements on the side, thanks.
:D
great information, and so true about everything that you pointed out especially about blowing up your google account....lol got to love that one
Strictly the facts, I always say, DawnM. Strictly the facts. Or at least I usually say that. I have, on occasion said that. I think.
Hey Shadebreath.
You're truly inspiring, you know.
I just applied a little twist to your technique, did some Pay Per Click for the killer phrase "Make money easy" on google adwords.
Bid $15 per click, and just spent $482,430
If you REALLY want to not make money, THAT's the way to go!
Not the nickel and dime stuff that you share here!
Wow, that's an impressive strategy. I confess to having been unwilling to actually invest in my own financial destruction. That takes a degree of business acumen that even I do not possess. Nicely done, Eric. You truly are a ninja of poverty!
Well shades, that just shows the benefits of a tertiary education.
I know you've been studing recently, and if you try a little bit harder, I'm sure that you could easily top the lofty benchmark that I have set.
In fact, I see a government job as an economist in the future for you!
I think I could probably do that now. I've run up some debt in recent years, so I'm pretty good at deficit spending. I'm sure I have the skill set to destroy the national wealth at least as fast as we are now.
LMAO, Whew thanks for the great roll, your the prince of healing when it comes to that laughter is the best medicine. You really must be up with the ranks of the best to know exactly what not to do. Loved IT!
I'm up with the ranks of something, Katiem, just not sure who they are or what we're up to. :)
Love It!
Thanks. Just doing my part to help the online community. :D
Awesome Shadesbreath, know what the good part is? I'm new here so I can start following your tips right away. I mean a lot of people here are regretting not having read your tips before they posted all these money-magnet hubs. But not me. Ok now, off I go thinking of creative ways to insult my readers in my new hub.
That's fantastic, Pranshu. Not only will you make nothing here, you will have the joy of being a total a-hole to everyone, which is, in my opinion, the real joy of HP. I'd much rather be rude than rich!
OH. ohhhhh. AW ha! So. That's what I've been doing wrong.
It took me a week to quit laughing about this...Your mind is in serious trouble. How do you think this stuff up??? Does your wife laugh constantly, or perhaps she's like me. My husband is funny, too. Or so I'm told.
Oh, she laughs alright. Probably not for what you're suggesting here, but she does laugh. lol.
Truth be told, she always tells me that's one of the main reasons she married me. We do have fun. She makes it easy to be happy though, and that helps for finding humor.
Yes damn you, that's pretty good stuff. I am going to have to up my game, it was good enough for minor forum trolling but this is a higher level.
Someone recommended I visit to see how the master does it... glad I did.
Glad you liked this thing, Mark Ewbie. The comments are the best on it though. There's one up there that I won't point out again because I did too many times before, but that just makes me laugh and laugh. Not in a bad way either, just, it's funny to see how different all of us Earth people are.
If you let me know who sent you, I can forward them their half of the .0000005 cents pageview commission I got from the visit; it's only fair.
Have you considered turning this subject into a book?
By definition, writers of below-average ability make up almost 50% of the population. This would be a huge pool of consumers who would read your book!
Consider this as my free gift to your 'Caribbean Retirement Fund".
That is an excellent idea, Jeffduff, but then, wouldn't that technically be making money and thereby render me a hypocrite?
Let's examine your choices:
1) Keep your integrity and stay economically insecure, like me and 98% of Hubbers;
or
2) Be identified as a hypocrite, infuriate your imam/pastor/priest/rabbi and retire with riches to a beautiful island resort in the Caribbean.
Being of weak will, I would be mightily tempted to bear the anger of the masses and retire wealthy to a tropical paradise. But, your mileage may vary ...
Well, I reckon it all comes down to whether or not you buy what the imam/pastor/priest/rabbi are selling. If you ain't, then who cares if they'er pissed. Make a mint, donate to the cause and they'll get over how irate they are. You get to enjoy the island, they are happy, and, if you are wrong and they are right, well, from your position of wealth, you can begin to atone for your sins by doing good deeds for your fellow islanders and hopefully work it off before you croak. Win-win. :D
Thank you for all your helpful advice. I already knew about the google one, though. I made them mad at me a few weeks ago. Now they won't return my calls and I guess we won't be meeting at the mall for afternoon shopping or trips to the day spa either. Bummer. Google Adsense is unforgiving. As revenge on them, I did not send them a Christmas card this year and plan to exclude them from my home movie party next spring. They'll be so sorry. Anyway, now I'm off topic. What was it I was going to say?
WOw, they're going to be dissaponted to find out about the movie party and the day spa. I understand that Google really likes to have a foot massage while watching Kathy Bates movies. And I have no idea what you were going to say, and therefore have even less an idea what I am going to say in response to it.
I think what I was going to say is that your sense of humor is delightfully wicked and sharp. So sharp, in fact, that I sustained a small cut just reading your post. Nothing serious, more like a little paper cut. But you know how painful those can be. I hope it doesn't get infected.
Oh, it's going to get infected. I suggest you put a mustard poultice on your eyes and frontal lobe just to be on the safe side.
It is almost impossible to avoid the endless 'Make money online' blogs, articles and SEO's constantly striving to rank for the term... good to see a more grounded and thoughtful post :)
Thanks, Hoff. I know there's lots of techniques out there for getting your page ranked that I didn't make fun of, like, for random example, leaving comments on other people's articles with links embedded in your user name, but I didn't bother with that specifically. Maybe next time. :D
Okay, Shades,
You knew after our exchange on your cat piece, I had to come over here and check this out. Pure genius! I am so inspired to see I have been doing everything correctly. And.....I am thinking after reading all the comments..."I think I will never follow you." My sides hurt...
LOL, but you know given the context Kahn's comment was priceless. Obviously well meaning, but still good stuff. Or else it's just me. Anyway, glad you got a chuckle out of it.
I fully enjoyed reading this hub. Especially the pictures. haha
Stick to my advice, Blairtracy, and I promise you will die a pauper and leave nothing to your progeny if your desire is to write online.
I see I read this one long ago, but that was before that wonderful comment appeared. lol. Another rate-up!
Wow this is one hilarious hub!! A refreshing read that makes us writers roar with laughter. I look forwarding to reading more!
Hi Kaitlincolee. I'm glad you roared. Thanks for telling me too!
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Paraglider Level 5 Commenter 22 months ago
I'm top of google for "Bull-neck and the Blue Lagoon". Poised to make my fortune when it becomes popular ;)