The Great Fat Chick Conspiracy: the fall of patriarchy and the total discombobulation of man.
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The Great Fat Chick Conspiracy
There is a conspiracy underway to overthrow the last several thousands years of patriarchal rule. Not only is it underway, it is nearly complete. It's too late to stop. My only point in writing this is to let you all know, that I know. I spotted it. Late. But spotted. And I know how it works.
Girls are getting fatter. Not just the regular fat girls, but the hawt ones too. If the hawt girls get fatter, what will the fat girls do? Hawt girls have always gotten everything they want, leaving what's left over for the fat girls - or so it seemed. The system worked, because fat girls were what the unhawt guys got. Hawt girls got hawt guys, and the rest of us guys were green with envy and hated them all while we tried to figure out how to get a hawt girl of our own. But we had the fat girls to turn to. So the system worked. But if the hawt girls are now fat girls, then who are the actual fat girls? Basically this is an equalization of all females in the ongoing push towards reviving matriarchy being perpetrated on society today.
With this secret power play underway by women, NO guys will have any way of telling fat girls from hawt girls, and therefore no guys will know who they are supposed to have sex with. Hawt guys won't know who to have sex with unless a fat hawt girl tips him off that she is actually hawt and fat. But even that is not safe for hawt guys, because actual fat girls will be able to pull this off as a ruse, claiming to be hawt and fat too, thus leaving hawt guys duped and looking foolish because they will be caught having sex with a fat girl, which, as has always been the case, will destroy their ability to inspire awe and jealousy in normal guys. If hawt guys are sleeping with fat girls, normal guys will be deprived of leadership, leaving us vulnerable to the chick takeover already underway.
It gets worse. Normal guys will not be able to have sex with anyone at all because normal guys will not know which is which between hawt fat chicks and regular fat chicks either. They will therefore be forced to assume that all girls are out of their league instead just the hawt ones as was the case prior to this insidious female plan. So, in one fell swoop, women have taken out hawt guys and normal guys.
And yet it gets more insidious than that.
One might think that, teased and picked on as they have always been, in these trying times men could count on the unattractive guys to save us. These geeks and nerds, these skinny, stoop-shouldered and prodigiously Adam’s-appled fellows weren't having sex anyway, right? So they should be un-phased by the whole fat chick – hawt chick thing. But this isn’t actually the case, for you see, while they were already the lowest status of men, famed for their inability to get laid, technically that lowly celibate status has now been put upon “normal guys” by the spurious system women have in place. So, if the normal guys are now the lowest guys, the old “lowest” guys have to be something even lower than that. But how can you get lower than the lowest? This defies physics and all other natural, unversal laws. And yet, that is precisely where these nerdy guys will be, below the bottom. Besides being evidence of the intervention of the long-silent cthonic godesses, this lowlly status is obviously not a position conducive to the thwarting of anything, much less the opposing of a carefully wrought and divenly backed total take-over of a culture.
So, as you can see, it is clear that this strategic move by women to completely undermine the entire male system is totally underway, and mankind (like, actually “man” mankind) is under serious threat.
I would make some sort of suggestion as to how we might halt this trend, but I am afraid it's already too late. The only possible quarter from which maledom might find help is the married-man quarter. But that’s a feeble hope at best. Most of us married guys haven’t had sex in so long we don’t remember what it is. We certainly don’t have enough participation in it to be motivated towards anything resembling activism for the cause. And even if we could remember what sex was like, why in god’s name would we help someone else get laid? Bitterness will be the theme of our little Shakespearian tragedy. Frankly, that’s a huge part of the chick strategy. So even people like me can’t help. Plus, I am lazy. The sheer effort of pressing these keys down to type this is nearly exhausting, so to go stand in front of fast food restaurants or Cinnabon shouting, “C’mon, give it up!” is hardly in keeping with my general lethargy and sense of sloth.
No, I am afraid it is too late. We are pitted against spirits of this world, this universe, that have been kept in check longer than they would like. Our time is up, gentlemen. Hope you enjoyed the ride.
Hawt Chick or Fat Chick? The lines are blurred beyond recognition. (Note the language employed here too, by the way, those of you who pay attention to tactics.)
If You Enjoyed This, Check Out:
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My latest novel projects, short stories, free things to download and enjoy, even a blog to amuse you. Fantasy, science fiction, literary fiction, and humor. Come by and have a look. - Shadesbreath's Facebook page
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This is a funny hub, something of a rebuttal by a fine writer, Mysterylady 89, involving the clash of man versus woman as it plays out on a school campus. Good stuff.
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I know, I saw that MILF thing, was gonna go read it in a few. As for the category you describe, that category doesn't exist because it describes something too close to perfect to be hoped for by mortal man. So, yeah, no category. As for the rest, I was bored too, which is where crap like this hub comes from. I was able to amuse myself for a few hours working on it. (Speaking of that, when does the hubspam contest end, precisely?)
Shades - a conundrum indeed. And too little too late. Or maybe that should read 'it's all over now - the fat ladies are singing'.
*not to mention thinking how incredibly clever they are - as well as fat*
:)
Hah, Frog, how did I miss that obvious opportunity for a closer? Oh well, you got it in, so at least it's there. Funny. and yes, too little to late. /sigh
And evolution had nothing to do with it... LOL!! It was a grand plan all around! This is an area I won't comment on any further.
Chicken! Gotta jump in there. Don't be afraid. Besides, we got nothing to lose, the battle is lost anyway. :D
lol Shades - loved that graphical diagram. However, I think I have seen it before on CSPAN.
You have laid out your case well but there is always a solution - just find yourself a virtual chick and you can make her as hawt as you want ;) Real sex is overrated - virtual sex is where its at!
Not sure what CSPAN did, but if they did something similar to mine then they clearly have geniuses working for them. :P
Make sure you read my next hub when it comes out, btw. Seriously.
you are mad genius man!
Hell yeah!
Hah, you had me cracking up in a forum the other day. It is not surprising you'd enjoy this one. And the Raiders are my team too, even though Al Davis needs to sell the team already and recognize he's been an anchor around the team's neck for a long time. (Please, God, give us a real coach again some day... /mourn Chuckie.)
Sheee-at! This had me rolling. How could I have been so blind not to see this conspiracy coming? You made me feel sorry for the nerds. Where can they go? They'll be so low they'll have to look up to see down.
I also got a kick out of Married guys saying "why in god’s name would we help someone else get laid." I actually feel that way. Why indeed?
I know I ain't gonna help anyone get laid. If I can't get laid, screw the rest of you guys. You deserve to suffer too. In fact, I'll work to keep you from getting laid if I can, because I embrace my bitterness.
lol
Shades, I got about to the part where you said hawt was now fat. Meaning I longer had to watch my figure as I was gonna get laid by whomever I choose anyway. So, I got out a box of fiddle faddle and ate and read and picked the corn out of my teeth the rest of the way through your hub. Life just got so much easier. Thank You. I need a t-shirt "previously Hawt!"
Randy, they would sell like hawt cakes. You want to start a business?
No, see, that's just it, ten years ago, had you been hawt and then got fat, you'd have been "previously hawt" but now, "fat" IS "hawt" so you are hawt. The only difference is in men's minds, because we dont' know who is actually hawt anymore. We used to decide for ourselves, but we've been socially neutered, so, we like what we are told we like. Game over. Chick's win. Welcome the age of the Amazons. You and Jewel's can sell fiddle faddle as aphrodesiacs to chubby chicks who no longer have to channel the sexual energy towards anything but cramming more toffee and chocolate into their yam holes.
Kay, you lost me at neutered. I get to eat what I want though, right? And do I HAVE to lop off my right breast like an Amazon?
LOL Yes, it's a free-for-all at the Baskin-Robins parfait bar! And no you don't have to. The need for militant bonding rituals is over, victory is certain. Y'all can keep yer boobs.
Thank gawd for that. I still recon it's worth a tshirt. Maybe I'm just being capitalist.
Well Jo Lo got a head start (or is that already behind her) on the Hawt chick thing! I think I'll just go for the newly skinny born again previously fat chicks!
We can get you a t-shirt, but you must make sure it does not cover your muffin top.
Check out Sixty going for the cult chicks in rebellion.
Wait! The geeks and the nerds did not get chicks, so they studied. Now they have the jobs and the money so they get to marry the Hawt chicks, that were recently fat but got turned around and ....Wait, I am confused as to who they marry, but they get to marry the most desirable ones now, so where does that put things? ? ? And if I am married and not getting any then why don't I study so I can get the job and ....Oh hell I dont know.
Oh this is precious. Lillith is coming back and is smiling.
PM, your optimism is as wondrous as your denial is blind. Nobody gets anything. With modern technology what it is, and donor banks filled with frozen see, they have no need of us. We'll be lucky if they decided to let us live.
Jewels, indeed. The return of all the great cthonic figures is imminent. Men will need to start wearing puppies around their necks to hold out before them like a cross warding off a vampire. I hope it works. If not, all these shit stains on my carpet will be in vain.
Prior to Twiggy, big was hot.
Yep. For 40 or so thousand years it was a sign of health and success. Not obese, but rubenesque.
I would totally believe your theory if I see that certain somebody on the centerfold of Playboy - but then again, is Playboy hawt? :D
What a fun read! Thanks for sharing :D
Depends on which page and which issue, imo. Sometimes hawt, sometimes, it seems to have lost touch. Maybe just me. Lack of commitment? lol.
Thanks for the read and comment.
ROFL that was a classic. Thumbs up for this one :)
But then Hawt men are getting flabby bellies as well and growing man boobs
Thanks BP. :D
Cindy, you're right, but nobody will care. Once the total domination is over, the Queen or Empress or whatever she ends up calling herself will just set up a drone system, or she will chisel the males she chooses through the labor of slavery.
Shades, this aint new news... The old song says, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, then find an ugly woman and make her your wife!"
Right, but we didn't act fast enough as a gender, us guys, and we were all still allowing ourselves to be distracted by the hawt chicks. We had an opportunity to save ourselves with a display of character, but, we missed it. Window closing now. I wonder if they'll let me be a sexual drone in the new empire. I could probably live with that.
You guys have to be kept around and maybe occasionaly we will have some pity sex with you when you kill spiders for us or do those other manly jobs that we don't like to do. See there is still some hope Shades.
I for one am never too proud for pity sex. I mean, if I have to endure all the screaming and mincing, the limp-wristed trauma that coincides with slaying spiders for you (they really are terrifying, I don't think I should be judged for that, you know) I should at least be paid off with a charity hump from time to time.
I think we are at the beginning of the androgonous age. No one will be able to tell the men (Man boobs, indrawn testes) from the fat chicks (woman boobs, can't see the bunch of grapes) and we will end up like snails, hermaphrodites, having sex with ourselves no partners required! Ugh! Ugh! Ugly.
Uh, "the beginning?" Where you been man? That party already started a long time ago at my house.
:P
Sex? What's that? People still have sex?
Seriously though, I've always been intimidated by 'hawt' persons of all the various genders. If a man is nice to me and will sit through sci fi, that's enough. If I have lost my 'hawtness' all the better. God it's too exhausting, all that. Pass the fries.
I am amazed by the young women who walk around with the muffin top thing though. I'd wear a birka if I could. I don't get this six inches of raw flab between the belt and the shirt tail fashion trend. Ugh.
I can understand your confusion when I think about that fashion trend. Also, no one over 200 pounds should wear biker shorts or tube tops. That should be an ordinance or something.
I can't answer the sex question for you beyond hearsay. I hear people say they do. I cannot confirm or deny this in any way outside of the evidence of porn, which is, in my opinion probably not real because no women would ever do those things, so, there is actually no credible sources for this. Annecdotally, I can say it's unlikely.
The rest, yeah, some clothing decisions are interesting, that is a fact. People walking around stuffed into stuff that makes them look like toothpaste bound up like a pork roast. Not sure what's up with that. I at least know to drape myself in such a way as to not offend anyone's appetite. lol.
I have said it before and I will say it again..I am not worthy to read your posts...this was genius, pure and simple.
If you could spell HOT I would probably read your article. But seeing that you can't, I'm not going to waste my time. That's why we have black and Mexican guys, to pick up all the hogs.
Funnebone: Dude, you made me almost choke to death with laughter on that Craigslist thing... just, for what it's worth, there's no contest here man. You're funny. I have my moments too. We're birds of a feather. /cheers, bro.
Dick: If you were capable of fathoming the nuance of dialect, diction and grammatical nuance I would give a rat-shit what you thought about my writing or anything else.
So what category does ms. piggy fall into? ;)
I would say in the muppet world she clearly falls into the category of both hawt and fat ... until she opens her mouth, then, yeah, she loses her hawt status.
Hey it works for me. I am ready today for fat chick leadership right now!
Ready or not, here it comes.
Miss Piggy's voiced by a man, you realise this don't you? Of course she's gonna loose her 'hawt' status when she opens her mouth.. she really needs to be voiced by hawt woman.. or atleast a woman that sounds hawt..
Or even a man that sounds like a hawt woman... so long as he stays under the counter. lawl!
Must have missed this first time around, but so pleased I found it now. Hilarious, I am just a bit worried as to where this leaves me as a 50 kg skinny chick!!!
Well, Misty, to help you out, perhaps a trip to the pizza parlor for a double-cheese meatlovers deluxe, followed by a triple-scoop chocolate sundae with lots of whipped cream and sprinkles is a place to start.
Mmmmmm, sounds great to me, only problem is no decent pizza parlours here in Guernsey :(
That right there is reason to move, imo.
Have to think about that idea!!! :)
The law and many religions let people leave their spouses legally if the other partner doesn't put out. A town should let you leave if it doesn't provide adequate pizza. Period. Should even have like a pizza alimony.
LOL, I shall call my lawyer immediately and get him to sue the island for either an immediate airline ticket out of here, or an adequate pizza parlour. ;)
Or take the alimony and move to Chicago. They have really good pizza there.
Great idea, but I doubt Chicago would let me in without a visa, or a job etc, plus I come armed with 3 cats and a Husband! Might have to learn to make pizza myself, but doubt it will be as nice as the authentic stuff.
While I admire your cunning insight in this article, you have only scraped the very top layer of the vast female take over conspiracy.
*smirk*
Now...let's go get a pedicure and a Starbucks....and by the way, that t-shirt really brings out your eye color...and have I told you how svelte you are looking lately? Are you using that Nutrisystem for Men or something...?
Are you getting a bigger picture now?
I do appreciate you noticing my svelt build... I had no idea this beer belly constituted sveltness. Perhaps there is a fat dude conspiracy inadvertently underway and I am the founder of it. What a delightful countermeasure by me. Perhaps there is hope for us after all.
:P
lol true true. At school the muffin-top thing (fat rolls poppin' out of the gal's jeans) is suppose to be hawt now. I wondered why that was, but I see now! XD
Well, it looks like your 'leader' was leaning too far to the left. ;)
It was his own liberality that grew him a sense of tolerance for women four times his size. Passive nancy-boys don't rule!!!
Yes, so we discovered, much to our eventual and impending demise.
absolutely wonderful, nice to have a good laugh. thanks!
I'm glad you had a good laugh. This one was fun to write. Thanks for the read and the nice words. :)
Wow. I had smoke coming out of my ears on that one. Your hubs make me want to drink excessively for some reason. Have others said that?
You are so right about the fatness! The reality of our current situation leaves a lump in my chest, like when I'm about to cry.
Damnit!
We need to draw and quarter that rapper, Sir Mixalot. His open love for big butts started this whole thing. This train ran off the rails right about the time that song was a hit.
And with the recession, there will be more junk food consumption, and beer guzzling.
And gym memberships will drop off because of tighter budgets.
Shades, my man, we've got us a perfect storm brewin' for more gynormous bootay than we can handle.
Also, I was expecting to find a 'cellulite comparison by nationality' chart in your hub, although now that I think of it, I'm not sure why I was expecting that. Actually, I've been looking for that in ALL the hubs I've read. No luck so far. If you see one, clue me in.
Although it seems from some of the comments that folks thought you were trying to be funny, I know better. You've taken on a very serious subject here. I would like to see it dominate the news for a few weeks or months.
Before you know it, if we're not careful, we'll have a fat girl version of the Spice Girls. The Twice Girls - Cause they're twice the size.
Keep crankin out the food for thought. I'm digging it. Now for that martini.
Well Stan, be glad you are able to see it for the truth it is and not humor. Those who find "the humor in it" will be the first to be totally subjugated and will likely spend lives under the yoke of estrogen-fired tyranny.
The Twice Girls almost made me blow Pepsi out of my nose. That is so funny all by itself... someone should actually do that. You know there is a chunky family group out there somewhere that is the chick version of the Jacksons or the Osmonds or something... or even just amalgamate a pack of hefty Glee Club chicks from around the world and construct the group like they did for the Spice Girls and Back Street Boys etc. That's funny, but actually, genius too.
I'll give you a heads up on the cellulite chart... unless you find a way to work that little gem into a hub of your own. There is some comedic potential there. lol.
Thanks for the read, and have a happy New Year.
HI, got another giggle outa me! very funny and of course very sad! for the men I mean... ha ha there are some countries that lurve fat women! and there are some that lurve skinny women, change, move countries then you can take your pick! lol thanks nell
Hi Nell. So kind of you to read a bit of my humor or attempts thereof. And you're quite right, there is a culture for every taste as much as might be said of there being a taste for every culture. Or something else suitable wise sounding that won't hold up to scrutiny. :) Thanks for reading and commenting. THese poor humor hubs get awfully lonely sometimes. Not enough people are searching Google for fat chick conspiracies and the like.
Hi, just a quick word to say, well, you made me laugh so there you go! and thanks for the happy birthday! I will feel better about it tomorrow, as long as I don't start counting the candles! ha ha
Counting candles stops being a good idea at 21. :)
Although this is not my favorite of the hubs of yours that i have read, it has inspired me to write a hub about a male chauvinist (not you) -- perhaps, though, I should dedicate the hub to you??
Yeah, this one is what it is. It amused me to write it. It gets a laugh here and there. You know how comedy is. I do look forward to your male chauvenist hub.
The male chauvinism hub is now published. I gave a link to this hub!
You mean this one: http://hubpages.com/hub/Revenge-of-a-Male-Chauvini
I just read it. That's a great story. I'm glad you told me. Pretty funny. I suppose technically I shouldn't laugh, but, I did. I can just see the two of you going at it. The TP was funny and required great coordination, but the lectern was classic too, you have to admit. That took effort. :) (I linked to yours in a link capsule above the comments too, hopefully some folks will check it out if they come across this one; it's a fun read).
Still laughing as I type this...great piece!!!
:D I'm happy you were amused. Thanks for reading and commenting.
You have made me speechless. Truly.
At least now I know I have a chance. Of course, I got married so I don't need to look around to get laid - but thankfully, I meet the new hawt standard...lol Finally, I'm not just smart, soulful, witty, clever, kind, creative and compassionate - I'm hawt too. What a relief.
Well, I guess I wasn't speechless after all - just a little stunned...lol
Man, you blew the dust off this little old hub. Maybe it will get a new life for a week or two.
I was going through some of your older stuff and landed here. :-) Interesting.
Chubby chicks are def hawt, just please dont overdoit ladies. Eat that double quarter, but dont eat five.
LOL, James. Everyone's got a line, eh?
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Leta S 3 years ago
;) Man, Shades! This is a lot to take in. I just read this hub on MILFS, GILFS, Cougars...and now this! And I just don't know where I fit into any of this anymore, I'm just so at a loss... There needs to be a category for, lol, pseudo-intellectual, just-almost- moving-towards-Cougarville-but-isn't-really-prowling, cuz-doesn't need-to,-attractive, but-not-super-hawt, not-a-fat-chick, but-by-own-admission-could-lose-5-7 lbs, borders-on-artsy-geek CHICK! Until then, I'm confused!
(I was bored, Shades...it explains my sarcasm, lol.) You are way silly--good satirical lancing on the obesity epidemic and the whole M/F thing. :)