Ten More Top Ten Most Asked Questions in the World

As many of you know, I am fond of deep research and generally pedantic article writing in which I can display seeming knowledge of absolutely nothing with a penchant for making nothing sound like something unless one looks closely and realizes I haven’t said anything at all. So, in keeping with that tradition, I have once again gone to inconsiderable lengths to accumulate the following list, discovering through several minutes of research the ten facts that follow, except those parts that are based in speculation or upon semi-empirical anecdotes, and have thus presented them accordingly and so on. So, further further ado beyond some additional typing to fill up space given the nature of the ads HubPages places at the top of each article--they're very large and if you don't do it right, you can end up with a big, awkward blank space between your opening paragraph and the rest. So, that said, I believe I’m wordy enough here for symmetry and can now get to the heart of the matter: More Ten Most Asked Questions in the World.

1. Are we there yet?

Right answer: No. Not yet.

Wrong answer: Yes, we are there. Don’t let the trees whipping past and the other cars driving by fool you. Go ahead and jump out of the car and have a look around. Take your sister with you.

Commentary: I am sorry that this one appeared first on the list; I'd really hoped for a funny one first, but to establish the scientific credibility of my research, I had to start with this because it truly gets asked the most often if we are talking raw numbers:

According to Childstats.gov there are roughly seventy million children in the U.S. So, using the clinical data of my family as empirical support and figuring the typical family in the U.S. takes 3 road trips per year, and figuring 2.3 children per family, then, doing math, you have 30,434,782 families taking 3 road trips each year, meaning there are over 91 million road trips being taken in any given 365 day span.

Given that an average child will ask, “Are we there yet?” at least 4 times an hour, and the average road trip is 3 hours one way--making 6 hours of driving per round trip--that’s 24 times per child multiplied by the aforementioned 2.3 children, meaning that per trip, we’re talking 55 times it gets asked. With 91 million road trips per year, that means this question gets asked over five billion times per year [5,023,200,000].

So, while I realize that’s not a very exciting opening answer, it’s an accurate one, and that’s why “Are we there yet?” is number one on this list.

2. Do I look fat in this dress?

Right answer: No. It’s a little snug around the hips, but we can accessorize with this wrap and it will look great. Plus, it’s doing wonders for your cleavage!

Wrong answer: Yes. In fact, I saw you come out here and suddenly had a craving for milk and something made from pork. But I'm not sure what that means. Anyway, yeah, you look terrible in that, especially in the middle. Looks like someone jammed a water balloon through a napkin ring. Does it hurt?

Commentary: I don't believe this question requires much commentary, so we will just move on.

3. Does size matter?

Right answer: No. It’s the motion of the ocean that matters, not the size of the boat.

Wrong answer: Yes, size does matter. Frankly, I’ve had bowel movements more satisfying. You dropped trow and it was all I could do not to laugh. I’m so sorry, but, just, wow. Maybe some Enzyte and a few thirty-minute sessions with a bladeless Flowbee would help?

Commentary: My only commentary here is to ask, why is the chick in that video using peppers? Wouldn't that burn? Seems like it would burn to me.

4. What time is it?

Right answer: 4:35 (or whatever time it is)

Wrong answer: Apparently it's time to buy a watch. I mean, what do they cost now, a buck at the dollar store? Splurge a little. Maybe pull your cell phone out and have a peek yourself if that's not too much to expect. What did it take me, a second? Oh wait, you wouldn’t know because you don’t have a timepiece handy.

Commentary: If you're wondering why I'm so acidic here, it's because I hate clocks. I think they impose artificial constraints that do nothing to improve the quality in life and, in fact, have quite the opposite effect. But, I risk pontificating, so, I'll move on.

5. When is dinner going to be ready?

Right answer: Around six.

Wrong answer: How about when you get your lazy ass off the couch and make it yourself? 

Commentary: I refuse to comment on this one on the grounds it may further incrimminate me.

6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Right answer: For starters, it totally depends on what you mean by wood and chuck when you ask the question. If you’re just talking about wood, like, chunks of dead tree, and if by chuck you mean, to toss or throw, then the answer becomes one of mass, energy and inclination. Large chunks of wood can only be thrown by strong woodchucks. But even that relies on the desire of the woodchuck to do so, since we are assuming in the question that a “woodchuck could chuck wood,” thus eliminating a need to ask if one could do so given the lack of hands or something. At some point, however, chunks of wood could be too large for even a strong woodchuck, so at that point the answer would have to be “None; a woodchuck can chuck no wood.” But, if the wood was in small chunks, say, the size of a tootsie roll or even a stick of butter, well, then I imagine even an average woodchuck could chuck a great deal of wood, depending on his or her motivation to do so.

Which raises the question why would a woodchuck want to chuck wood to begin with? I mean, obviously it’s important to them or they wouldn’t have named their race “woodchuck,” but still, even as a member of that species, there has to be a great variance in said desire. If we assume there is something at stake, like a terrorist skunk is holding the woodchuck’s babies hostage and going to blast them in the face with skunk juice unless the winter’s firewood gets stacked, then, obviously, there is lots of motivation.

But that might not happen a lot. What probably happens more is that it's like a typical teenager woodchuck, then it doesn’t matter how young and strong they are, they are going to have no motivation to chuck wood, preferring to sit around and play woodchuck video games instead.

However, that does not consider the metaphorically possible definitions of wood and chuck. Wood is often a reference to male sexual organs and chuck has often been used to describe the act of vomiting. Now, because this is meant to be an educational hub for all ages, I shant go into it much beyond pointing out the possible implications involving how much wood and chucking a woodchuck would being doing if he was into that sort of thing. High volumes of the latter making you wonder if he is just experimenting with the former for the first time or if there is something else going on.

Wrong answer: Yes.

Commentary: It hardly needs commentary, don't you think?

7. Do you love me?

Right Answer: Yes

Wrong answer: No, I just want to get into your pants.

Commentary: The wrong answer will be considered the right answer if it works.

8. Is that what you’re wearing?

Right answer: Uh, no? What do you think I should wear?

Wrong answer: No, this was my first attempt at dressing ever, but, thank god for you and your sense of fashion, now I can try again. I love feeling like a two year old, and it’s nice to know that my decision making can’t be trusted for things as simple as choosing clothes. I still can’t believe they trust me to eat with a fork!

Commentary: I'm a guy. I stand by the wrong answer.

9. Do I have something in my teeth?

Right answer: Yes, you have a piece of spinach right there, in the front.

Wrong answer: Um, no, you look great. Let’s go in. Don’t forget to smile and look happy, so you make a good impression with your new boss.

Commentary: You know what I really hate, is when you eat Taco Bell and the flour tortillas leave that pasty white goo between your teeth. In like all of them. It looks like you grinned your way through a swarm of white moths on a Harley doing eighty-five. It's totally gross, and the worst part is how easy it is to forget about if you go through the drive-through and eat on the fly. Show up somewhere later and wonder why everyone's wrinkling up their face at you prompting you to yawning pit-sniffs and all kinds of other self esteem checks.

10. Hey, Doc, what is this thing?

Right answer: It’s probably nothing. We’re just going to run a few tests and make sure, but this is pretty common, and I wouldn’t worry too much.

Wrong answer: Holy crap! Dude, WTF, I’ve been practicing medicine for over thirty years and I’ve never seen anything like this. Wow. That has to hurt like a son of a bitch. Jesus! I wouldn’t make any plans for Christmas if I were you.

Commentary: I know that technically the video on the right is the inflicting of a wound more than anything else, but it's just so funny I confess to fudging my point a bit for the sake of having an excuse to show it.

Conclusion

So, there you have it. More Ten Most Asked Questions in the World. I hope that you have learned something important here that you can take with you into the real world. I know that science of this kind can be complicated, so I tried to put it forward in a way that will not offend anyone, regardless of their gender or academic acuity. If you are offended, please make sure to comment in the comment box below and I will deal with you as necessary.