Sodomites, Vaginamites and Cockites: Welcome to the Demise of Morality
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Well, it turns out I’m a vaginamite. I had no idea. I’m not even that happy about it despite my general obsession with, well, vagina.
Okay, I am thinking that some of you are probably thinking, “WTF is a vaginamite?” and, honestly, that’s a fair question. It’s actually very similar to the question I asked when I found out that a gay friend of mine is a “sodomite.”
Apparently, if you are a gay male in America, there are many people who consider you to be a “sodomite.” Being an ignorant of such things, I had to ask what that meant. So, thankfully, I was told how it works.
You see, people who are gay, are, well, gay. That means they like people of the same sex as themselves. If you happen to be male and feel this way, then apparently the only thing that matters in our society is that, if you find someone with whom you share enough things in common (like literature, dog loving, exercise habits, work ethic, religion, political views, artistic sensibility, music… etc.), we, as a culture, reduce you to the sexual activities that might occur once you find someone with whom you share all those things in common. So, since some sexual contact of some particular type might take place we, therefore, assign you a label by which we can then decide how to treat you.
If it’s a man-on-man thing, you will, by iron decree, be indulging in sex of the posterior region making you a sodomite. If you are a male who likes chicks, you are, clearly a vaginamite (like me), and if you are a chick who likes dudes, you are a cockite. It's so simple.
Sodomites are the main focus though. But that's cool. The beauty and simplicity of this identification system, “sodomidenity,” is that it removes any need for thinking or expectation of personal complexity. If you are gay, you are clearly going to indulge in that booty sex thing, and, therefore, you are a sodomite, because “sodomy” is that booty thing, and if you do it, nothing else matters about you. Every other thing about you is instantly erased and, no matter your mind, wit, intelligence, talent, works, contributions, perspective, or anything else, none of that matters. You are just a sodomite.
Which is fine. I get it. You are gay. And, by the possibility of that booty thing, you are actually just a sodomite, because, well, we are defined by where we focus our sex acts. That really is what we are if we really, honestly examine who we are.
Which is why I am kind of depressed.
I am a vaginamite.
Look, I admit I love naked chicks. I do. I try to pretend I’m all intelligent and educated and stuff, but the truth is, when hot models and actresses come on TV, I’m thinking, “Man, I wish I could see her … V-part.”
I feel even more sorry for my wife. I love my wife. I do. More than anything. But, honestly, I spend a lot of time figuring out how to, well, you know… that, to her. So that's all I am. I'm not a husband, or father. Just a vaginamite.
I always thought that I was mostly about my work. My novel writing. My satire. The marketing and sales I have done to shape and grow companies I have worked for. The people I have helped. The people I have influenced, kids I raised, causes I made a difference in. But, well, I am a moron. I’m not that. Humans are not that stuff. We are who we hump or want to hump, and how we hump them.
I am a vaginamite. That’s it. Nothing more.
My wife is a cockite. Wow, how disappointing. I thought she was this amazing, loving, giving person, a great cook, kind mother, … but, by the rules of sexual reductivism, that doesn’t work. She’s just a cockite. And, frankly, now I’m insecure. Man, I hope nobody has a better, um… first part of her “...ite.”
Anyway, I’m not sure what else to say beyond this. But I just want everyone to understand how it really works. If you think you are some kind of enlightened something or other and you want to make some lame argument about "live and let live," or evolving freedoms in a modern world or some other stupid crap like that… don’t. We are nothing more than the reduced description of our preferred or possibly preferred sexual acts. The rest is just crap. So stop trying to pretend you have dignity. You don’t. You’re just a cockite, a sodomite or a vaginamite. Accept it.
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Hmmm, I would agree that we do put labels on people to categorize them. Makes us feel more in control I guess.
nice hub,congrats
Only you! LOL! I am not even sure what to write for a comment. LOL! You have laughing too hard, just from the title. :) Thank you for playing. :)
I really love this Shades. Well written, OF COURSE, but the message is so good. Message, laughs, thoughts - the whole package - that is when writing really hits the spot.
Shades, great job. Your message sure makes me feel insecure. I know I am not the best writer but at least thought some of the other things which are part of me meant something.
In the end it boils down to I am a vaginamite. If I understand correctly its what my preference is not whether or not I can still function.
OK, can't stop laughing here. I initially was expecting a hub about vegemite, but nope I was getting way ahead of a few vowels.
Is it ok if I share this via FB?
Much affection Cockite Jewels!
LOL, yes, please share, Jewels, you cockite you.
We Are whatever the media bill of goods has sold us. Now, aren't we? LOL
can you be a vaginamite and a sodimite at the same time. Or maybe some one classes you as a sodimite but you are only really a cockite. For the record i am a vaginamite. I like to thinkof myself as a tri-sexual. I will try anything. Great hub!!!
Haha so random! Love it tho!
When I started reading your hub I thought you were going to talk about mites that live in and around vaginas. Very funny take on sexual preferences...brilliant!
Yes, but where do sheep come in?
Shades - this is so brilliantly cerebral it will take me some time to cogitate thereupon.
@Paraglider. Sheep do NOT come in. They do not know how to open doors . . . yet.
Lordy, Lordy Shades,
I feel exposed, naked being a cockite and all. I thought that part of me was the least. I thought this amazing woman who could do anything she set her mind to, who made people want to forget they were on a diet with her meal creations, her eye for beauty and art and all the other mazing things about was who she really is.......I'm so depressed right now.
Seriously, I love this. You have brought to the forefront how simplistic and utterly shallow we see others. How retarded our views of people really are.
We don't walk around bashing people for being cockites and vaginites yet we do it with sodomites. So that brings in the biasness(if there is such a word) of how we think and treat each other. We as a people need a paradigm shift.
The new ad campaign for Dick's Sporting Goods store will be, "Most women prefer dicks and some men too!". Funny article. Thanks for sharing.
I don't know where you get your inspiration Shades, but it always results in an utterly brilliant result. Thanks so much for the belly laughs :)
And I thought a dangling participle was of interest...color me inchoate...Larry
Interesting hub - to say the least !
Dear Dr Shades,
Interesting, very Interesting I do declare.
However
What about those that canot descide what mite they are as they at on time or another are on or the other.
Now would what would yo be if you were in all three at the same time.
Haha, this is one of the best hubs I have read in months!
WOW shadesbreath this is the best piece published here in ages. Oh but how long will the goodness last.
Hi everyone. Thanks for the kind words. I'm surprised this is getting such a good reception, very cool. Wrote it last night during a 30 Minute Hub Challenge, so, hey, every once in a while that pays off. Need to figure out how to illustrate it no, but, like Katiem2 pointed out, not sure how long this will stay up. It doesn't break the TOS, but then, neither did my Stop Neutering our Kids one either, so, you never know.
Damn you. Here I was just enjoying a wonderfully, lazy, thought-free day and you come along with your brilliant as usual wit and start me pondering. I've always despised labels...in clothing and people. Using them is just a way of saying "I'm too damn lazy and too full of my own self righteous worth to get to know who you really are. It's so much easier to describe you by your race, your religion, your sexual preference and take you out of the equation of people worth knowing.". Nice way to bring a point across.
Great hub....voting up!
Okay, what do you call a celibate? A non-ite? (Just wondering).
I found this hub hilariously bitter and couldn't agree with you more about sexual reductivism.
I wonder if all men wonder if their wives wonder if there's something better out there for the cockite.
Hi Spryte. Sorry for messing up your thought-free zone lol. And yeah, labels do make it easier to write people off. Helps us avoid dealing with complexity and challenging our own beliefs. Who wants to do that crap? :D
Thanks, LSKing. :)
Paradise, you ask a good question. I don't know what we'd call a celibate. Maybe just a celibite? lol. And, for what it's worth, all men KNOW there is something better out there for the cockite. It's the law of the west, every gunslinger new it. No matter how good you are with that weapon, there's always someone better. (I know it's "how fast you are, someone is faster" but in a cockite conversation, you really don't want "fast" in your similes and metaphors for obviously reasons. :D )
Jewels and I are obviously on the same wavelength, because i was thinking that you were going to be talking about Vegemite as opposed to Marmite. Then I thought, what about those poor little Catamites that I have read and written about, and are the Luddites not going to get a mention either... then I read mark Ewbie's comment on the way down and I stopped hyperventilating, and decided that I am going to be a neophyte and just go with the flow. Or should that be neophite?
Well I hope the hub stays up for a while. At least until all the readers can categorize themselves. I would hate to go through the rest of my life not knowing.
Hi Twilight Lawns, don't fite it, just to with the flow. :)
Austinstar, I'm glad we could get you categorized in time. :) It is important to have this sort of thing figured out.
there's a yeast spread called Vegemite in Australia & New Zealand. Now everytime I see Vegemite, it will remind me of Vaginamite.
What about those who like both? Bimite? Dimite?
Those that like neither - nonomite?
Baileybear, yeah, I remember a song back in the 80's that used to sing about it, something about a Vegemite sandwich. "I come from a land down under, where women roar and men thunder..." something like that. Not sure how they got to the vegemite sandwich from there, but they did lol. As for the others, Bimite and nomite mite work, or maybe vagicockite and celibite, and maybe ... lol ... imite for virgins? (LOLOL i just killed myself).
imite for virgins! You just killed me too.
I know, right? lol. Glad at least one person saw that before this hub dies down into oblivion.
Hey Shadesbreath, nice addition(pictures). Interesting to say the least. LOL! :) Thank you for letting me know. :)
Why don't we drop the false modesty altogether?
For me the word sodomite was unclear at best because it did not only mean gay men having sex with gay men. I looked up the term and the article is two kilometers long.
I guess "taking it from behind" is a very jolly activity, since homosexuals are called so GAY.
In Russian, they are called Blue, so it might occur that "taking it from behind" might actually incur some melancholy as every love does.
However, I have trouble with your classification.
I cannot have sex either way with vaginamites (I would rather drop "m" and make it "vaginites").
It does not sound right - a woman loves a vaginamite, sounds like a woman in love with a vagina something, therefore making two vaginas, so a female gay couple.
However, since you so clearly put it in the open the parts instead of the veiled places (Sodom)
I suggest let's clarify everything once and for all
For Receivers:
for anal anything - analites (men or women)
for vaginal - vaginites
for oral - oralites (men or women)
For givers:
gay -
heterosexual
bisexual
The instrument is still the same.
No, there are vibrators - Vibratorites
Analites = the analogy with the word "anal-yze" is so clear so I don't really have to draw your attention to it (anal-ogy, anal-ize).
"Analites" - "Thinkers"
(try it and you would think twice why it is ok for gay people and women, but not for straight men, that is a challenge). The horror! The horror!!!
I tried to ask a question "What is your position on anal sex?" and a man told me he had no position.
Men have only two positions in anal sex, and it is their position that make them straight or gay.
Bisexuals are, I guess, open-minded.
"Oralites" - "Eloquent Speakers"
"Vaginites" - "Mothers/Mothers to be/Possible Mothers/Impossible Mothers" (women only)
Where to put straight men?
Together with moralites?
Strait Jackets come to mind.
Why? Because men want it all in every possible place and then point their fingers and not only fingers at the immorality of others. Especially women.
This is not an ill-intended response, it is my re-BUTT-al. If anything makes me think, I think despite the analogies it might create.
Just riding my creativity wave...
I don't think anybody expected it. That is the beauty of comments. On top of all the places where we can take "it", there are heads filled with minds.
I love the pictures also. I think the sodomites have the best chance of survival in a famine, but that's another story.
Heh heh, Cags, I figured you might get a kick out of them. :D Thanks for coming back and looking.
Kallini, you know, as you ride that creative wave, I will just ride it with you. I'm not sure there's a distinction between who likes what based on gender, but I admit the preference of more than one complicates things. I stand by my assessment as is, having already declared that the main focus is on sodomites. Anyone who enjoys that, is a sodomite, so, I guess no matter what gender you are, if you enjoy that, there's your category. If you are a woman who likes women, you are still a vaginamite, as I see it, but I am certainly up to input from the floor, as they say. And, well, a cockite is a cockite until he/she rolls over I guess. :P
Twilight Lawns, I was really, really tempted to run with that, but, it's at that point in the weekend where I might run off a bit too far with that one. As it stands right now, I've had the ads turned off, but not the hub, so, I think I'll just grin and tell you I probably need therapy.
Shadesbreath:
Since you insist:
I am a woman. A Woe-Maaaaan. Those words... always create one mess or another.
But if you ask my friends/readers, I am a pain in the ...
what was your preference?
still,
To end it on a lighter note -
I was laughing out so hard and for so long, that my son was trying to read what was "so funny".
And to compensate for any "pain", there is one article that I have (I am not the author) which is funny and which explains my "preferences" - I torture with ... Tolerance.
I never push my work on others (as if it was possible), but this piece deserves more light (as I said before, I am only the messenger - the translator).
Cutting, biting satire is surely your forte, Shades! Brilliantly done--sure to make people think--the think-ites, of course. That would be those who claim to abstain and content themselves with just thinking about it. (A category not exactly including priests, it would seem.)
Of the non-thinkers, many will simply agree with the article at face-value, not realizing they are being twitted...and those are the ones causing the problems of which you so eloquently speak...errrrr...write.
Voted up and funny... still laughing.
Kallini... lol @ "woe" man. Nice that you admit it for your gender. :D I'll go have a look at that article in a moment. :)
Hi DzyMsLizzy. Thanks for the kind words. I do love sarcasm, it does just sort of pop out of me, so, why not run with it, right? And, you know, it's the ones who take it at face value that I enjoy the most, because, well, I don't know why. I should be scared or something. lol.
Random, wacky and hilarious. Nice hub!
Snowysilver, I did a nude modeling gig at a local art school, and that is exactly what the art teacher said when I disrobed.
:D
(lol, as if. Can you imagine? Lordy!)
Ah, the illustrations are great.
You're seriously disturbed, you know that?
Must be why I like you so much.
Disturbed is the fun zone. :)
Is there a 4th choice for people that don't like anybody?? :)
Shadesbreath, I think you were wrong about people not being interested in thoughtful articles. I know it was not what you said, you said that this kind of articles did not make money.
It is that the adult content that bugs me, because I haven't found the way around it yet.
But your success is very encouraging. I am just letting you know in case you don't know already that your article has been featured.
Congratulations,
I second Patty on that. We need a fourth choice. Oh man, though, this is one heck of an awesome Hub. I LOVE the illustrations.
While Shadesbreath is bathing in the rays of fame and spotlights,
a little note to Simone:
I wanted to write an article that is "adult content", but not obscene,of course, yet I was apprehensive that my effort would go down the drain since HP is not really favour certain topics.
If it is so awesome what Shadesbreath did, I would like to note that there is a precedent. It may not work the way I plan, not all articles are created equal, but I want to make a point nonetheless.
P.S. It is not advertising or self-promotion, the article in question does not even have a draft yet.
An idée fixe... seulement.
Patty, yes, that category would be the StopitIsaidNomite.
Simone Smith, there you go. :) Glad you liked my fine artwork. lol.
Hi Kallini, I hope you'll pop back in and link to that bag boy once you write it. I'd be curious to check it out. :) As for "featured" I'm not sure what you mean. I'm thinking you mean on HP, but I have yet to figure out what the precisely means and where they show up. LOL. I am amazingly unplugged for having been here as long as I have. Sad, I know, but true.
I think the mnemonic for people that don't like anybody - hermitite. That's what I'm aiming for.
The art work is fab, dahling!
Shadesbreath:
I don't know what you mean by "bag boy". Is it a BAD boy, or is it some term I am not aware of? I don't want your jokes to die horrific deaths.
I don't know if you saw my comment on "Tolerance", but I was not aware that you have commented on this one - sometimes notifications don't come.
Featuring. I had no idea either. But one of my articles got so much traffic all of a sudden that I could not help but wonder. I looked it up and to my bewilderment it was "featured" on the front page "Topics".
Look at the top of the page on the left:
HubPages
Home Topics Hubs Answers Hubbers Forums
So, in the Topics there are categories and subcategories. Three hubs (pictures only, icons) are featured on the front page, if you go to category or subcategory you have a list - the same idea with your own hubs - best/hot/latest/greatest.
Not everything is written is displayed.
Anyways:
http://hubpages.com/topics/entertainment-and-media
I gave you the link so you know.
But you know how to press different tabs.
Click, click, click.
Mine "Am I Beautiful?" was in the "Hubs" section as well, I only found out today because it did not occur to me to click on "Hubs" before. I am the same as you, I don't know enough about HubPages. I am a writer, not a technical person who comes to the site and gets to know how to set up ads and make money. Nothing to be proud of.
I will try not to forget to share my "masterpiece" on back doors, but it might take a long time. I am completely bogged down writing my visions.
I submitted my comment, went back to see if your article was still there and what did I see? Another one of mine is featured.
Am I famous? Deluded, more like.
LOL @ Austinstar, thank you, Dahling. You ahh too kind.
Kallin, you are correct, "Bad Boy" is what I was going for. I'm so glad you speak booze, because, well, ... it's just a good thing that the internet doesn't have booze hating regulations on grammar and typing. Oh, and thanks for showing me how to get to that link. I'm not sure how anyone would ever find that naturally, but it is cool to see it show up. :) I always think it would be funny to see one of mine show up on that front page "perfect graphics" hub rotation slide show thing they do. But, I know that can't happen. I'm not selling recipes for spam or how to knit corn silk thongs for constipated Mediterranean goats, so, probably won't happen. :D
I had so much fun with "click-click-clicking" - I saw your "100" standing and it is not only your article that is "featured", but also YOU as well. In the "Hubbers" section.
I did not know it before. I have never had "100", but it does not really matter.
Enjoy your fame, it might be fleeting.
And how anyone gets anywhere on HubPages? I never went to topics and those pages looking for the material to read. As arrogant as it might sound "I am here to write, not read."
I found you following someone else because I had a theory. Don't I always?
The idea was to write an article about comments. As it usually happens, one idea leads to another and in the end I cannot even remember where I started.
There is a Russian expression "To start with "Long live the King" and end with "Rest in Peace" (from joyous celebration to the funeral panegyric).
However, the article is under way.
All in all I am glad I found your article - I have learned something.
Double-funny with the 4th choice, I must vote up twice.
Seriously. This StopitIsaidNomite is exceedingly pleased.
Oh, the "fame" of a 100 hubber score is always fleeting for me. It flickers up there for a few hours sometimes, but never lingers long. I've actually noticed it seems to stay there longer if I don't open my hubs and edit or reply to comments. I think they punish that sort of thing for some reason. And don't feel bad about being here to write not read. I feel bad about that too, like I feel like a taker sometimes. But I do read, just not as often as I feel like I should to show support for people that are kind enough to read this silly crap I put up. But, well, it is what it is, and we are who we are. So, meh. Glad you find my article too.
Patty: Thanks twice. :)
Simone: Seriously... I'm glad.
Shades,,you've managed to break it down to the bare boners, uh, I mean, bones. :)
I have to say that this is one line of thinking that has never crossed my mind, in terms of categorizing people. I am almost ashamed to say I found it humorous. It was, for me, for lack of a better term, a refreshing way to consider things. I would even go so far as to say that this is not mainstream,,which makes it even more enlightening.
Great job,,,loved the 'imites' LOL
LOL yep, it did come down to the boners, didn't it? lol. And I'm with you, the "imites" is pretty amusing. Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you found the fun in it. One never knows how this sort of thing is going to go.
I put vaginamites on my sandwiches. Actually, they put themselves there. Where I come from vagina-mites are treatable with Permethrin 5 percent which is also known as Elimite :) I think vaginamites are also breifly mentioned in the Yeast farms of Asimovs universe. If not, they should have been. Im glad That Vaginamites are curable but Im equally glad that cockites are still incapable of any help - well except for the obvious treatment that is...
Read Leviticus. That's always good fun when dealing with anything that ends in "ites".
Stoning to Death has just been added as one of the more neglected sports at next year's Olympic games.
Iran are sending a few of their best.
Johsing, "Elimite," sounds like something an aussie cockite would say approaching closing time in response to advances from a drink-buying vaginamite.
Twilight Lawns, while I confess to laughing at that, for the purpose of maintaining some facade of propriety, I must frown and say something like, "Yes, that's amusing, but tragic that such backwards thinking still exists in our world..." or some such.
I wonder if I would watch that event. Would I have some grisly fascination and tune it, or would I be revolted and not?
The last three comments indicate that you three should collaborate on a mockumentary sci-fi novel, film, and TV series! Much funnier than summer reruns...
Oh, you mean like "Flesh Gordon?"
Oh, oh, can it be as cheesey as the Flash Gordon they did back in the 80's? I would love to be responsible for something that campy.
Yes, yes, the 1980s one. Now you have claimed it and must do!
It's like I licked the topic or something, so now it's mine?
Breathy Shady story coming up! Do it...
That's right.
Primitive man rises from ooze to ite?
Great satire on the lowest common denominator(LCD)--the sex drive--another LCD (Likeliest common drive).
Quite an admission of the real mind set of every individual on the planet...of course, what does one do with a cockaminimus-sodomaximus-medivaginamitasite?
Sorry, the dialogue was begging the question of the polyamourous sexite? Was it wrong to go there?
huh?
Austinstar, you of all people, ask, "huh?" Was I unclear?
Randslam, better make it
"the lowest sexual denominator (LSD).
"the l sex drive" (LSD).
For the l - pick one
lateral
literal
liberal
love
lawful
Oh, well..
Oh, "L"
randy - no, you are clear as a glass. My brain hurts though ;-)
Randslam, on the point of what one does with a cockaminimus-sodomaximus-medivaginamitasite, I can only surmise that filming is the best course of action, for that is a most curious arrangement of proclivities and therefore a documentary could be made regarding the activities of such an individual from which one's scientific/anthropological/sociological credentials could be established and perhaps even the creation of a new sub-category of gender studies. They could even name it after you, Randslaminology. :)
Kallini, how about "leather" or "lizard" ?
Austinstar, put some ice on it. lol
really interesting hub. I voted up because it was great thought provoking research! I have a question for you. What is a person considered who doesn't have sex? A "absentite"?
Yes, I think abstintite is probably just the right term. Although, I might still toss the abstinites into the virgin category mentioned above, virgins being "imites" and given that abstinance is what it often works out to be. :D
I think another term is in order:
A prudite - a prude - the one who has sex but denies it or does not have sex, but wants to have it.
And how about having sex with yourself - Selfite? (the other two words that come to mind just make the "-ite" combinations slightly obscene even for my taste).
What, like... masturbite? ROFL
To show my complete ignorance - what is ROFL BTW?
Yes, I thought - masturbite or onanite - but it sounds so disgusting.
However, in the dictionary I came across (by chance, mind you)
there is such thing as zoolite. Yes, it does exist. No, it does not EXIST. Because a zoolite is a fossil animal.
And, naturally, my imagination went into the sexual perversions - however, I am not going to dwell on them any further than "perversite" - ...
I think you started with those things - things that are considered abnormal.
Abnormalite?
Wait, I think it is me.
"rofl" if you really don't know, is just the slightly tuned up version of LOL. Rofl = rolling on floor laughing, which is hyperbole, of course, because I wasn't literally doing that, but, well, in chat, no one can hear you lol.
And yes, I'm sure it is you. :P
Then you are a mentiroso (maybe mentirosito) and that is not a lie.
About lying - it is a good mental exercise to lie on a floor at least once a day and meditate.
Don't laugh.
Don't roll.
OK, I must start doing it myself. MMM, maybe after tango exercise. Is there any other dance when partners lean on each other? Chest to chest?
Wait, there is a word - tanguera, tanguero.
Insane writers on HubPages:
writera, writero;
HubPagerosita, HubPagerosito.
Adios,
Well, that was a little linguistic trip across continents. It's funny that you wrote that like that. I woke up and got a new draft back from the artist doing my book cover who is in Spain, and then I get all this spanish in a hub comment. lol
OK, then, I was worried, you might be offended that I called you "el mentiroso".
I got used to that word that it seems normal. Everything is normal in Toronto.
I only meant you are NOT rolling on the floor laughing. Yes, I know what hyperbole is.
Yes, I was playing with the words, that is all.
Again, you know it is normal for those who write:
Modernism - avant-gardism
Postmodernism - avant-gardism
Postism - making posts - arrière-gardism.
What the book is about, if I may ask?
Nah, I'm pretty hard to offend, plus... I get jokes. And the ones I don't, well, if I find myself blinking into something I missed, I usually assume I have just missed it ... again. LOL. I do that enough to have confidence in my ability to miss stuff being the cause of my dismay rather than assuming hostility on the part of others. :)
And the book is a fantasy/sci fi story tracking two main characters on parallel destinies. A sorcerer on one planet is trying to discover the spells that will faciliate space travel, and a woman from Earth is on a spaceship trying to find some evil space critters. The story follows them both. If you're curious there's a link on my profile to my blog, the most recent has some of the cover art from the Spanish artist on it.
I will try to find enough time to check it out - you know writers - selfish bunch - I need time to write and as I was saying to everyone with nauseating frequency - I need to do house-cleaning.
How exciting!
Good luck with the book,
Yeah, no worries. That's why I didn't link it. I'm the same way. I know writers read (at least the good ones), but they aren't "readers" in the way critics are. I think that's why the symbiosis works between the two literary varieties, despite what seems like little more than potential for enmity.
lol--or, to quote Demetri Martin, LQTM (laughing quietly to myself)! I might have actually LOL'ed, but I have my favorite cockite sleeping next to me, and my vaginamite nature fixes my possible future sexual activity with her as my very, very tippy-top priority. I wouldn't want to wake her with my LOL--or, God forbid, my ROFLMFAO--for fear of discouraging said activity later on.
Always amusing to read your hubs.
SS
Hah, Sterling Sage, I love Demetri Martin. And of course I would not want you to cause the cockite of your admiration to be reluctant to indulge her urges due to your boisterousness. :D Glad you lqtm though. :)
I'm all about peeling labels.
Ladies & Gentlemen:
I have to apologize for being PITA (pain in the ass)
but that is how the whole thing began. I was waiting for my son to outgrow his fascination with pooh-pooh subjects, but then I realized it will never stop.
We never get tired of pooh-pooh vocabulary. I am not going to elaborate, you all know that certain words... just there to stay to express the height and depth and voltage of our emotions, something like: "Shit!"
But my lovely comment is not on that, being a writer (self-appointed), I read a book on "How to write" and the author suggested to refrain from LOLs and such. Not only that, but from indicating where the reader has to laugh. It is respect for the reader's intelligence, who should be clever enough to figure out when and how ...
I am not saying that you all have to stop using whatever you are using.
I am just sharing. I made it a rule for myself. No abbreviations.
I remember a very old joke about the sense of humour, when the listener is instructed beforehand:
"Laugh after the word "spacecraft".
Very creative and funny, I enjoyed that. Great hub.
spacecraft (laughter follows)
(love those parenthesis)
But we digress.
In the caving world, are stalagmites and stalactites equivalent to cockites and vaginamites (respectively)?
KateWest, me too. You peel off the label, you can actually see what's inside. Doesn't mean you will always like what you see, but at least you can look and decide for yourself. :)
Kallini, I agree for the most part with you. If you have to tell people when to laugh, it's not funny. Unless, of course that's the joke, sort of meta-writing or meta-comedy (like the spacecraft thing). But, for chat, I think the habit evolved for a reasonably legitimate reason, in the absence of body language, facial expression and sound. Emoticons an "lol" etc. serve a communicative purpose, not because people are too dim to get jokes, but because the chat function of the Internet includes a lot of writers (and readers) who aren't as facile with language, and, in addition, encourages speed of writing that is not conducive to the care and revision required for the type of concise prose for which no external levers (like "lol") are needed for added clarity. Or something.
Thanks cooldad, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for commenting too.
Autstinstar, I would say the cave and the stalagmite are more representative of the pair you suggest, with stalactites suggesting the culmination of the experience.
Holy crap. The rest of the comments made my brain hurt, but I still laughed. Shady, Shade. You're awesome.
Thanks Sunny, I'm always happy to hear people laugh at this stuff. Whenever I put these things up, there's always that moment right after publication where it's like, "What if I'm the only one laughing?" There's a fine line between funny and unravelled.
A PRACTICAL CHALLENGE TO HOMOSEXUALS:
I challenge the advocates of same-sex marriage and the entire sodomite community to gather themselves in a town exclusive to their perversion and see whether in 100 years they would not be in extinction?
“Man has often lost his way, but modern man has lost his address” Gilbert K. Chesterton
I think those who have an address always have a circular pattern to their ways - home - work - home - work - ...
I think we should categorize people by certain characteristics - send all mentally ill or challenged to hell as if having a mental illness is not enough of a hell.
By the way, depression qualifies. And lose their address. Who needs them?
Would all Christians please follow the challenge presented by apologetics.
Screw living in a diverse society!
Are you all guys leaving? Maybe we will go like this:
1) girls to the right;
2) boys to the left.
That was the strategy to go answer nature call in the woods in the absence of facilities.
I don’t know how I missed this, but I did. And now I am sorry because I have a question and I don’t know if it is too late to ask it. But I will anyway, since there is no charge:
Is it not true that, by definition, a sodomite is also a cocktite? Surely this must be an important point that needs to be defined?
John, you are such an intelligent and humane person that you make me wish I was living next door to you, so that we could share the occasional beer and chew the fat when we are not vaginamitating our loved ones ;-))
LOL, De Greek, leave it to you to spot the weak spot in my little argument here. However, I will point out that technically, one does not have to be cockite to be a sodomite. Strictly speaking, if, one were only to fancy , erm, playing pitcher, as it were, and having no desire to catch, also as it were, then, well, I believe I can say I've made my case.
As for the beer and fat chewing, I'd love it. You'd be a great neighbor to have. We'd have a blast. Imagine you sitting out in my driveway with us, tipping them back under the shade of a corn tree, California redneck style. :)
Right then.If there is a website for selling cheap log cabins in your area, send it to me and I shall see what my cockdite wife says about it. we may end up drinking those beers after all ;-)))
Dude, log cabins are sweet. There's some AMAZING and even palatial ones up in the high foothills, nestled around sleepy little gold rush towns that still have the same main streets and old buildings that were there in the 1850s. Frickin' SWEET way to live, gorgeous country with trees, and little streams running about noisily, harmonizing with the birds. We could sit out on your deck and enjoy the perfume of a million pine trees while I drank all your beer. :D
It's not really a demise of morality is it? Just a play on words. I wonder what might happen if you put them as your tags. If someone were to type in 'cockite', it would bring them to Hubpages. so congrats on the originality score :). Vaginamite is in the urban dictionary and sodomite is in the Bible. The pics are funny though and a nice touch. Did you draw them?
No, it's not really the demise of morality. It's me being sarcastic to make a point. So, no worries for morality. At least not yet. And, I had no idea vaginamite was in the urban dictionary. I went and looked, thinking perhaps I was on to something that was already a growing concept, but alas, on there it is a play on the exclamatory "dynamite!" So, alas, I am still alone in my use here. Which is okay. I still think my version has more rhetorical value, perhaps one day it will float to the surface and change the hard-line minds of so many. Or not. Whatever. I just speak em as I see em, you know?
Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting, and yes, the pictures are mine as well. In the Louvre I am fairly sure I shall never be, but it's fun to round out an argument or story from time to time. :)
Hello, Shadesbreath,
This is one of the funniest, and most entertaining and clever posts I have read on this site.
Now, when it comes to me, I am a vaginamite who absolutely adores cockites.
I'm with you on that one feenix. Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you were suitably entertained. :)
Brilliant! And I'm glad it's still posted, what with nipples and things being removed around here. The imite could work well with the ipad but could lead to another thing entirely then - the emite.
That's why I keep writing on here. They keep letting me. I bought my own URL a long time ago expecting them to blow me out of here with that kind of censorship, but well, I guess it's probably still coming, but we'll see. I've had some stuff turned off for the dumbest, most horrendous interpretations of the rules, and other stuff that flies somehow. It is what it is.
Thank you shadesbreathe for my lesson of the day, I never catergorized the three like you did but it all makes sense. Even I was able to figure out which catergory I was in! You might consider doing a "ite for Dummies" book with this vital information!
What a splendid idea, Sunshine. I see a fortune in the elucidation of complex social stereotyping made simple for the hater on the go. A whole new industry.
When I saw the hub title (over on Dimitris' site) my first thought was of Vegemite and I honestly - and all too causally & hastily - simply categorized the other 2 '-ties' into some kind of other foreign foods eaten by Britishers and Aussies. Thought perhaps Nutella has another synonym of which I am still unaware, such as sodomite or cockite, due to its yummy chocolaty, nutty flavor. Thought perhaps these '-ites" are just brand-names across the pond or something. At times being too analytical does spoil the fun!
However, all that vanished quickly almost as soon as I clicked the link and arrived over here - though I admit that the illustration of you, the vaginamite, holding what looks like a taco did perpetuate my misconception briefly. It was clever of you, I must say - in case of any content police lurking around.
From the beginning paragraph on, though, I didn't stop laughing and shaking my head affirmatively! This is the funniest, cleverest - and most accurate - hub I've read recently. I can't imagine how I missed it before. Maybe the thought of reading about strange foreign foods just didn't hit my hot button when it was first announced among the 'new hubs' of those I follow. Or maybe it was during a slump in my pursuing them. Whatever - I missed a good one.
I have to also compliment you, not just on the quality of writing (and illustrating) but that - in spite of the subject material, it is totally non-offensive. I'm not all that sure about its being the demise of morality. Nothing in it is new or recently practiced!
I dare anyone (alive, at least) not to have considered the premises here! The older I've gotten, the more aware and sure of the fact that people are dominantly sexual in nature. Maslow probably mentioned that somewhere in his 'hierarchy of needs' in fact!
I notice my squirrels outside (when they're not haunting my attic) busily fulfilling their hierarchy of needs, and sex & procreation are right up there next to foraging for nuts and bugs and watching out for hungry cats when the 'season' rolls around! Nevermind that the little critters are pretty to look at. Don't see them with cameras or paintbrushes capturing the aesthetics of it all. Nosirree! They are tending to major business. I realize that humans are a few steps up the food chain and evolutionary scale, but - not all that far!! Plus, we aren't limited by 'seasons' for it.
So thank you for making my day vibrate - with laughter, John! Great good fun! :-)
And thank you for the lovely comment about me you made on Dimitris' hub! Hugs!
ps - I started reading the hilarious comments, too - but didn't get too far in the lengthy list before I realized how many more there were to read! Wanted to add mine before the expiration date for comments! But I will go back & read them all!
Is there an expiration date for comments, Nellieanna?
What about a "now I can tart my hub up and make more people read it" date?
I have some stuff which I have written and can't understand why everybody doesn't like it as much as I do.
As if.
Yes, I loved this hub. It really is one of the most clever, and as you said, it moves close to naughty bits but is so well written and so wonderfully illustrated.
Many's the time I have peeked in, snuffled around, smiled, and wandered off with a giggle.
LOL Nellieanna, a few others had the vegemite reflex when they saw the title. I suspect I may have lost more than a few prospective readers to that title for that potentiality of mundane subject ahead. Sigh. It is a problem for me, because I always title my stuff as it amuses me. I know for a fact I am the only person who laughed at my Longpork as cat food recipe hub (I forget the title LOL), but I know for totally sure nobody got that one, so, alas, I must enjoy a lot of my jokes alone. With a bottle. Curled up in a corner, weeping. LOL.
I'm glad you came over, and I always love the care you take with your reading and comments. I totally know how pretty much impossible it is to keep up with reading the people we like on here, not if we want to write (and have to work bleh), but, as a reader, when you do stop by, your comments are always so gratifying. Cheers to you (and your squirrels. ... on a tangent, have you ever heard of a "purple squirrel?" I just learned the term. Not really related to anything, but very "up to date" in this economy, so interesting, particularly for a lover of language and meaning.)
Twilight Lawns... Greetings! What a pleasant surprise to have two of the most delightfully literate people on HP show up, all spawned by the hub of yet another of HP's most erudite and delightful voices in De Greek.
i wish i cood right lik dat cos yor big wurds an de way U right dem are so cleva!
I kno, rite?
Ha ha!
I mightn't have investigated, thinking it was vegemite, if it hadn't been 1) written by you and 2) recommended by De Greek. hehe.
My own philosophy about having or losing readers for one reason or another, though, is pretty much the same as it is about most things, that it's better to have willingness and genuine interest than not and better to do without otherwise. And if there are other factors influencing it - those are surely valid and not to be resisted (such as other commitments, which are definitely valid factors!)
One of these days I ought to curtail my comments and/or use them as hubs. But they would never FIT other circumstances as well as they do when spontaneously responding to a good hub, like here and this!
I just looked up 'purple squirrel' and think I'm in love. A marvelous appellation! Could be applied in various other situations than job applicants. How about to prospective mates or even roommates? How about to plumbers and roofers? Any human situation in which one's expectations and hopes exceed the possibilities? Oh what a good term. And it's been around for 10 or so years and I've just now found it, thanks to you! Oh yes. I'm thinking of possible opportunities to use it in real life. hehe. Great grandkids might be impressed! hehe
Anyway, it's delightful and I thank you. And thanks for grouping me with the elegant TL! Even his illiterate slang seems rather dignified and if one imagines him verbalizing it in that melodious voice of his - wow! , - definitely so~!
Ian - if there is an expiration date for comments it may be if the commenter has quit the Hubpages. Otherwise, I dunno.
Now I am obliged to look up "purple squirrel".
There aren't enough hours in the day, but I might be missing out on something.
Nellieanna, what you have described there with "willingness and genuine interest" is what, in the sales world, is called a "qualified prospect." A lot of sales people are afraid to do that, to ask the questions of a suspect to see if they really are interested and willing or at least could be. For fear of "losing" them, they work accounts that end up nothing in the end, or, as you said, they be "better to do without otherwise." Same goes for writing, and I agree with you 100%. (And don't feel bad about the long comments. I do that in the forums all the time. Someone says something that I think warrants a genuine, thoughtful response, so I reply with one--or what serves as one in my mind anyway lol--and, well, it is what it is. (Usually unread lololol).
And you are quite right about using that term for lots of stuff. Isn't that fun? A man sits upon the mossy bank of a lonely river, nestled amongst the mushroom caps and towering pines. He gazes into the misty clouds churning from where the waterfall thunders into the crystal pool. Staring. A woman steps from beneath the canopy at his back and watches him stare so assiduously into the fog. At last she asks, "What are you looking for?" "A purple squirrel," came his reply.
Or something. Fun. :)
Twilight Lawns, I expect you'll enjoy the idea, so you should.
Please insert drawing of "Purple Squirrel". Thank you.
I am only partly the wiser.
Purple squirrel?
Hmm!
Austinstar, I consider myself the purple squirrel of the universe. If the rest of you can't recognize it, clearly you are colorblind or something.
We certainly are something.
We are. And someday, someone will figure out what, and then won't that be something too?
absolutely brilliant. Up and shared!
Wow! Six months worth of comments from fun loving admirers. These words do sound like breakfast cereals or some new fangled cookie. You make some very good points here. Happy New Year!
So glad this has stayed up for as long as it has. Can't believe I missed it.
To each their own. Sounds like quite a few people (that have commented) aren't able to identify with any of the three. I think that opens up the need for another hub following this one... there's already transvestites, maybe bisexuals could be "vacockites" or "cockinamites"?!?, virgins: "masturbites"... Man, you've got me going. This is hilarious!
Great stuff. Clever, Funny,on the mark. I am impressed. :)
Thanks PDX, I appreciate both.
Hi Debby Bruck. I never thought about that cookie thing before, but you are right, they kind of do, don't they? Although, I suppose in the end, each of us will have a favorite one, won't we? lol
VeronicaFarkas, I too am surprised it's still alive, but, if there's no rules violated (albeit on the edge perhaps), let then fun roll on... as, I see you have with "vacockites" in particular. That's tough to say, in fact, you could say it's a real mouth full. ;-D
Phdast7, thank you. That's kind of you to say, and nice to hear.
I am a vaginamite too! I can't help myself. But I refuse to make this character flaw my identity as a human being. No! I am more than my sexuality! Is that shocking?!
Nope, James, you're not. Any value you bring to the lives of others, any kindness, mentoring, assistance, support, friendship, love, joy... any anything is B.S. and nobody cares. It's just your sexuality. Sorry. Accept it.
Only homosexuals identify themselves with their sexual activity. People do not need to advertise being a heterosexual because it is automatically assumed that females and males are made for each other as determined by nature. On the other hand, homosexuals need to advertise themselves in order to recruit partners.
I'm not sure what advertising you are speaking of, but whatever it refers to, I take it you are unfamiliar with bars, clubs and pick up joints. Nor, perhaps, have you heard of E-harmony or any of a hundred other hetero-centric "advertising" platforms. You also my not recognize that much of human behavior (male and female, regardless of orientation), particularly from the mid-teens through the thirties and even forties, is dedicated to attracting potential sex partners. To assert that the behavior is SIGNIFICANTLY different because the target is same sex is to ignore pretty much everything known about human pair bonding rituals.
Great hub and pictures.
Thanks, Matt. :)
coming back to share again...
Funny and witty guy... Brave enough to profess to the world that he's a vaginamite... but still can't make me admit to everyone that I am an ultimate cocktite. :D Hahahaha!
Thank you for writing this hub. This would surely educate my vaginamite pals! :D Voted up!
Love the sarcastic wit! "Sexual reductivism" is so dumb and shallow. That said, I'm a cockite. LOL!
PDX, I never complain about that sort of thing. :)
Thesingernurse, thank you, and yes, I am willing to face the consequences of my cravings. And, yes, we shan't pin you into a corner on your preference, no one will know you are an ultimate cockite so long as you keep it silent. :D
Hi Faceless, thanks for saying so. Very kind. And, yeah, "shallow" is a perfect word for it. And three cheers for being a cockite!
This is hilarious, how did I miss this before? It showed up in my stream/dashboard/thread or whatever we call our main page here. Great stuff. You hit it on the head, we do seem to be defined for who we do instead of who we are.
WTHeck is going on with this hub. Ok I admit I didnt read the whole story. And I totally didnt know what to say or make or your title. Let me just say I'm bookmarking and coming back to read the whole story from beginning to end due to the massive...."attention". By the way I AM woman!
We do like to oversimplify things, don't we? Now that I am no longer the person I thought I was, I am going to have to examine some mites. Great hub. Voted up.
Heh heh, Pam, don't feel bad, everything goes under the radar these days. HP got so populous, it's pretty much impossible to keep up with all the people I love reading. I've resigned myself to random discoveries like you just had with this one. Is what is it is. LOL.
Adrienne, this hub is just crazysauce in the skillet of my attempt at truth. Grab some sourdough and dip in. And I'm glad you are woman. Women are awesome. Vaginamites across the planet will agree with me, and I can speak for them with absolute authority.
Millionaire Tips, it's true we do. I've read some psychology stuff that seems to suggest we kind of have to; it's a survival thing, "Poison not Poison," "Nice animal ... mean animal" etc. Our subconscious mind filters out so much visual and auditory input just in the course of walking down the street. It's all biology to just box something up so we don't have to think about it. But, sometimes, we do it based on the wrong conclusions, or based on conclusions that don't add up in the face of new information. Etc. I know, I'm preaching to the choir here. LOL. Sorry. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Ah, and all this time, I thought all males were simply biological creatures that wanted to protect the longevity of their species, hence, always thinking about having some might with their vaginamite (maybe tonight) thought productivity. I think right now, I'm just a write-a-mite. Love this hub, very interesting and some thumbs up.
You thought all males were simply biological creatures, but I think they are simply simple. That's speaking from experience of me being one, so I have some authority on the matter. :D
Thanks for popping by. You're the hub's first openly proclaimed write-a-mite.
Holy crap man you opened pandora with this one, you modern day philosopher you youuuu. Veginamite here but is there as a trannamite or would they just be called cockites or sodomites. Lol just eager for a response.
Ahh hell i spelled vagina wrong i guess that will categorize me with vegetables. :)
Well, Troll, one sort of vegemite just likes that sandwich spread they have in Australia, the other is a criminal.
:)
Motown2Chitown Level 5 Commenter 11 months ago
Wow, and here all these years I thought I was a person. I need to reevaluate everything now. Thanks for that! :P