Shadesbreath's Rare Photos - The Beauty of Nature
61In light of the discovery I made during a recent contest that there are such things as "photo hubs," I thought I would take a stab at doing a photography hub of my own. While I am more widely known for inane sketches and absurd satire, I think it is good that I take a more serious approach to art, at least occasionally. So, here goes. I hope you enjoy these pictures; this is some of my best work to date with a camera. Let me know what you think.
California Condor
This first photograph is a close up shot of a California Condor’s armpit. You can’t imagine how difficult it was to get this. Besides being extremely rare, these birds are not particularly friendly, so getting one to raise a wing and hold it long enough to capture an image that wasn’t blurry was difficult. I was hired as photographer for this by a team of scientists working on the hypothesis that the male of the species is a particularly disgusting, possessed of acridity and olfactory putrescence that often precludes any sexual desire on the part of the female condor.
As you can see, the armpit of this bird is extremely deep and dark, and the scientists concluded that the vacuous cavity most certainly hosts bacteria that smell so foul the odor causes female condors to go into a state known as magnus avi frigidus, which translates roughly in English to “the girl don’t want none.” This is a sexual circumstance that has reasonable precedent among humans as well, so the science team, with this photograph in hand, now seek further funding from Gillette, Old Spice and the makers of AXE body spray, in hopes that in the end, some environmental and commercial enterprise might somehow arise.
Imbugwa Gweppa Vampire Bat
This photo is probably the most terrifying of the lot. We had to travel for three days to get to the remote hills of Imbugwa Gweppa Blah, deep in the heart of Senegal. After braving carnivorous frogs, giant humpbacked hummingbirds and all sorts of ferocious creatures too terrifying to describe, we found a deep cave system in which reside the famous Imbugwa Gweppa Vampire Bats. These bats are huge, some weighing as much as two hundred pounds, and they are ravenous, bloodthirsty creatures. The sound they make is distinctive, and it is one that has, the world over, become synonymous with all species of vampire bats despite these being the only ones that actually make the sound. The vocalization comes in three short syllables, uttered in a breathy bark that goes, “Blah, blah, blah.” It is from this that the Imbugwa Gweppa Blah hills get their name. If you look very carefully into the image —yes its very dark but we didn’t dare use a flash lest we risk waking the colony and being juiced so like so many oranges—you might be able to see one sneaking up behind our assistant, Carlos. We didn’t even know it at the time, given how dark it was, but when he wasn’t with us when we came out we suspected the worst. These images prove his sad demise.
Tijuana Colonoscopy
I apologize in advance for this one. It’s difficult for all but the most gifted medical minds to make out just what they are seeing here at first—and they aren’t nauseated by such grisly things either—but this is an image taken from my friend’s colonoscopy. It’s a little dark, because he had it done in Tijuana by a doctor who isn't too diligent about cleaning the light and stuff at the end of his colonoscope between patients, but who did allow me to attach a special converter from his equipment to my camera so I could capture the image live. My friend heard I was doing a photography hub and invited me to come take pictures, and, well, I, being somewhat indebted to him for having parked on his lawn on numerous occasions by mistake, agreed to go along. I’m glad I did. Rarely does one see such a miraculous close up of the human biological machine, a miracle of Nature or of God, whichever you prefer, but a miracle just the same. I mean, think about it; you are looking at part of a fleshy pipeline that runs from your mouth to your butt, doing its amazing and winding duty of digestion, moisture reclamation, waste management, and for some, pleasure… all in one long dark internal hall. It’s still gross though, and I can hardly look at this picture without getting a little gag reflex.
![Incredible close-up view of fart waves traveling through space between two stars [stars just out of frame to left and right].](http://s2.hubimg.com/u/5850121_f248.jpg "Incredible close-up view of fart waves traveling through space between two stars [stars just out of frame to left and right].")
Space Gas
In a way, this is related to the last one (and I admit I'm cheating because I really didn't take this one. I am, however, the only one who has it, so that's good enough for me). This image was brought back by Russian cosmonaut Yuri Asputin on his return from a mission to the International Space Station back in 2006. It is the first known instance of a fart captured in space, and the image was caught fairly close, within two meters, by a camera on one of the boom arms. A computer sensed the pressure building in Yuri’s space suit and zoomed just in time to capture the release, which from this angle, can be seen moving against the backdrop of space as if it were actually travelling between two stars [which are just out of the frame on the left and right]. Very cool, and a real testimony to both man’s courage and the wonder of technology.
Atheist Afterlife
This last photograph comes to us from a group of Atheists living in the Mojave Desert in southern California. They swear—and I have no other way to validate this—that one of their members had a near death experience and these photos are what he brought back. According to the member, who has asked to remain nameless, he was out walking in the desert taking pictures of the beautiful desert flora and fauna, when he suffered a heart attack and died. His wife, a trained paramedic, was able to resuscitate him using CPR, but during the three minutes that he was dead, he took these pictures of the afterlife while he was there. Needless to say, the two of them are now, more than ever, convinced of the truth of their faith.
So there you have it, my first photo hub. I hate to brag, but I realize having done this that I do have a gift for this kind of art too. It's like, is there nothing I don't just excel at? At first, I was intimidated to do this because there are some amazing nature photographers on HubPages, but the joy of photography and the thrill of waiting, hours, even days sometimes, for that perfect shot is soooo worth it in the end that I was able to push past my trepidation. I imagine I'll be hearing from National Geographic or Playboy very soon, and look forward to my new career as a photographer thanks to this, my photographic résumé.
How many of you actually looked at pictures as you went along, even knowing what was there?
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Oh they are mine, I assure you. Though I too have seen similar ones, primarily on my phone camera when I somehow take photos of the inside of my pocket. Which, of course, none of these are, because that would be misleading and dishonest, which, obviously, I would never do.
It takes all sorts of hubbers to make the hub love go round.
It does, Krancenblum. Fortunately, there's room for the odd ducks and screwballs. I always feel I have an outlet. :D
MORE! These are amazingly beautiful and your instant control of the photographic medium is stupendous! I look forward to your family pictures - expecially the ones you have taken at night! Love them! really, they're good. And I am somewhat of an expert - especially on wobbly camcorder shots taken from great distances! Unfortunately, I cannot load them here on HP for some reason.
The light and shade is amazing. I know I couldn't have done better myself, in fact I think I'll stop aspiring for the latest Canon SLR, I can't compete.
Thanks Mega1. I know what you are saying, these are beautiful. I still get all breathless and fluttery when I look at them. And, if you have a gift for video shots of crap that is impossible to make out as it blurs into a big smear of shaky footage, I think you should dare to run with your gift.
Jewels, I understand what you are saying. I don't really want my incredible photographic talent to be a source of deflating dreams for other would-be photographers, but, I mean, sometimes when you see something that makes you think perfection has finally been achieved, it's like, why bother, right? Frankly, I'm actually glad that Ansel Adams did his work before I came along. I'd hate to think my mastery might have run a guy like that off, you know?
I just realized that this is your HOLIDAY hub! The images are inspiring for this time of year and will help me get through the dreariness of all that light and jollity! I thank you again, for your genius gives me hope!
These were some of the best photos I’ve never seen. They say “A picture is worth a thousand words” but you’ve proven the opposite with these gems. Great hub, I needed the laughs. Voted up and funny, only because hilarious was not an option. It was creatively sarcastic, witty writing.
The picture of the bats was awesome, but the shot of the colonoscopy made me a little queasy. Great work on the angles and exposures - the pictures came out great!
Thanks for the chuckle!
I really wish I had seen your hub before I published my latest. I am so embarrassed. It's like displaying my paint-by-numbers collection next to a Van Gogh exhibition. Bravo!
Actually....I cheated and read the captions since the subtle nuance of fine art, such as this....has a tendency to go over my head.
My favorite is the blah blah bats...very courageous and of course...not to mention the sacrifice involved.
Did you use the correct f-stops? Perhaps your apertures were a bit off on a couple of these. The detail can always be improved with a good photo imaging software pack. I recommend Photohelpforblindpeople.com
You have an amazing eye for detail!!! And a way with words.
Mega, I am always happy to share my genius, especially around the holiday times. What better gift do I have to give than little bits of ME.
Fidencio1, thank you so much. As a prose writer, I can't help but be happy that you saw straight to the heart of the joke. Cheers!
Leahlefler, I'm with you on that colonscopy. THat is some sordid imagery. I can't look at that one for long at all. But, as a photo artist, it's important that I sacrifice my gastronomic equilibrium for the sake of my craft. (Thanks for noticing the nuance too; appreciating that the lighting and shot angles are perfect is something we professionals just expect the plebeians to miss.)
KaisMom, Don't feel bad. With practice, you can someday achieve this level of mastery on film. Keep on keeping on.
Yes, Spryte, we had to sacrifice poor Carlos for this art, but, his memory lives on forever now in these images. I am sorry that you miss the nuance of this sort of thing, but, as a girl, I am sure you are used to it.
[ducking for cover]
Austinstar, what a silly question. I know everything there is to know about photography, so obviously I used all the right f-stops. In fact, I used some g and h-stops for a few of them, given my proclivity for advanced techniques. (And for what it's worth, I am a stakeholder of photohelpforblindpeople.com, so of course I already knew all about that fine enterprise.)
Lynn S. Murphy: thank you. I am too modest to just come out and tell you how right you are, so I will say something else instead.
Something else.
Well, at least you have excellent dark room skills for your obviously well detailed prints. If you do manage to find yourself in a photography class, you may want to share your dodging and burning techniques.
I hate to complain, but these photos look remarkably similar to the ones I took when I accidentally exposed a roll of 35mm film in 1962.
I'm filing a complaint!
Yes, Austinstar, I think if I got anywhere near a photography class with this, I would have to do a lot of dodging or I might well suffer burns or other injury.
WillStarr, I can't imagine what you are talking about. It almost seems like you are doubting the veracity of my fine work here. I certainly hope that is not the case. Perhaps what you mean is that you accidentally shot pictures of all these very same things? Now that would be a fine coincidence. What were you doing in Imbugwa Gweppa Blah in 1962?
The Photos came up black on my computer, wished I could have seen them
Your beautiful pictures exhibit a stark, childlike simplicity that many a professional photographer would give their Manfrotto tripod for. Excellent work.
SB - I think you should immediately take up Synesthography. You'd be a natural.
Brilliant!
Whoa! Paraglider. I'm actually going to have to look that word up...
Shades, I think I spotted a UFO cave painting in the photo of the bats. You might want to get that one blown up.
This is the first time I actually clicked on the slide show. I wanted more.
When I was in 8th grade, my class took a field trip to the Guggenheim Museum in NYC, where we were lucky enough to catch an exhibit, made up of large canvasses - paintings of different colored concentric circles or sometimes multi-hued stripes. Some of the most memorable were "Dawn Morning" and "Oasis in Taupe" (or was it "Mauve"?)
(One of my classmates called it trash, but I was transformed.)
I can only thank you for transforming (and transfixing) me once again...
Gogogo, if you are serious, you may be in the running for the greatest comment of all time on one of my hubs.
Timorous, my wife would agree with you totally. On the childlike thing. Not sure about the rest. Poor thing. Imagine the years heaping up with this sort of thing every day, decade after decade.
LOL Para, I looked it up and the only definition on Google is your HUB. LOL. I bet you got Austinstar too. Way to work the system for page views. NO wonder you make bank from Adsense. :D (I love the concept, very cool. I'll have to keep more of my, what I like to call "asstamatic photos" and write them up. :D
Randslam: why thank you, sir.
Austinstar, don't feel bad, I had to look too. Cheeky f-er was farming adsense clicks off of us. I hate when smart people manipulate me. Makes my wool itchy and my little cloven hooves tired. (I'm going to sell that UFO picture to a cable channel when I am done here, thanks. Nice eyes, I would have missed that).
Green Lotus, I totally understand. Rarely does such a compelling collection of images come together in one place like this, so having the ability to just cycle through them a few times to really absorb the power is a natural response. I'm glad you could spare the time.
Capricornrising, I am happy to have my photographic genius accorded worthiness for being hung in the Guggenheim. While I confess to secretly feeling it was so worthy all along, having you say so brings that bit of critical reality to the fore without my having to appear conceited in anyway. I think long term that serves my career better anyway, so, thanks.
So funny! I kept waiting for the first picture to load, thinking surely there was something wrong with my connection due to all the rain lately. I got sick of waiting so I started reading and realized what you did!!!! Brilliant :)
Ok, Paraglider was so clever! I think he should google Austinstar! And Condor armpits. Did he scam you into looking for reticulated moleskin wipes too?
No harm in a little frivolous subversion! SB - just wondering why you didn't enable the 'click to view full size' option, as some of the finer detail is lost to my aging eyes :)
Your multi and varied talents never cease to amaze me
Shadesbreath, you great Zot! of literature and photography! I must print this out into some sort of chapbook and carry it with me. I will be the toast of the supermarket que when I share it with others while waiting. You should market the fine camera you use as well. Many Thanks!
What can I say? Real artistic, visual talent cannot be hidden under a bushel, or anywhere else in fact. It will always rise to the top, like cream... Your eye for colour, composition, light, shadows... Words fail me and I am envious...
Ardie, you can't imagine how happy that makes the prankster in me to hear. lol.
Austinstar, fortunately I realized his evil plans before it got that far, but I did feel used and was forced to drink.
Para, I love frivolous subversion!!! And were I aware of such options, I'm sure I would have enabled them. I can imagine many people are going to want to use these images for their screen savers and the like.
Hi Sixty, always great to see you! And yes, it's true, this photography thing can clearly be added to the heap of things I clearly am awesome at.
Patty, I have the camera prepped for Ebay. I expect after this artistic spectacle, not to mention the sort of advertising you and my other photo-fans are doing in supermarket lines around the globe, that I shall make a fortune! I wonder if my camera ends up at the Smithsonian some day.
De Greek, it's true. I keep trying for modesty on this photographic front, but when you are right, you are right. It's a gift, what can I say?
I just never tire of your work Shades, it is always excellent and either makes me laugh or smile. You never disappoint, nor did you this time. Excellent stuff :)
Maybe you are just easily amused?
:D
Ah perception becomes the truth does it not!!!
maybe the afterlife is like this who knows!! asolutely amazing pictures and great photographic skills!! i did look at each picture after reading about it!!
-carrie
Excellent, Shadesbreath.
Sixty: wouldn't that be nice! lol. The irony gods throwing me a bone for once.
Carriethomson, we'll all know sooner or later. I'm just hoping for later.
Mathira, thank you. :)
Hasn't National Geographic signed you up already?? Do you want me to recommend your profile? LOL Hilarious!!
Sofs, I think you may have to do that, as they are clearly slow in getting to this. It's been up for like four days and I still haven't heard from them. I don't know what's going on, but clearly incompetence is a possibility. :D
Sure... My pleasure ...they don't know what they are missing!!! LOL you are awesome!! :)
Superb! Classic humor...I truly appreciate it:)
anhhhhhh-- the interplay of shadow and the juxtaposition of form-- another stellar hub from Shadesbreath:-)
Thank you, Sunshine, I truly appreciate your taking the time to tell me you truly appreciated it. :D
Robie, clearly you are a connoisseur of fine photography, I commend you for your excellent taste.
I think you’ve stolen my content, as I have some very similar photos in my collection! Except mine are of stars seen from the Atacama desert. LOL
This is a very funny hub. Thanks to Sunshine625 for alerting those of on Hubhoppers to it.
Are any any of these photo's for sale? I'd like to order a few. :)
Of course I stole your content, Melovy. You don't actually think I have the energy to go out and shoot real photos, do you? That's the best part about HP, so much content to plagiarize, so little time. (sigh).
Yes, J.A.S., you can buy signed originals for $4,500 each. I have several originals of each photo, so order as many as you like. Or, if you are too cheap to really commit to the betterment of your home decor, you can get prints for $450 each, which look nice but lack the artistic oomph of a genuine original.
Clever!
If by "clever" you mean astonishingly gianormous staggeringly massive unfathomable and even godlike genius that surpasses anything ever achieved in human history ever, then, well, I think you might be overstating it a bit, but I accept the compliment graciously just the same.
Flagged as Plaguerism, really that you could sroop so low as to appropriate the "Tijuana Colonoscopy".
The mind boggles
Great hub.
Just_Rodney, I have never understood why anyone would take the time to create original content, especially in the age of the internet, when there is so much content already made just begging to be appropriated. :D
Thanks.
I know have been trying that recently as well but HUBMASTER sends me snide remarks °-°
No way will I even come close to matching the masterful composition and artistry of your photographs, so I'm retiring my camera for good!
Just_Rodney, try to steal more obscure stuff. That's the secret. :P
Hi JamaGenee. I can certainly understand how beholding the radiant genius of my work would make you want to give up photography yourself, but don't quit, you can still find the best in yourself. And while it might be difficult to labor knowing that the greatest photographs of all time have now already been taken by me, you can still find satisfaction in trying for a plausibly attainable "almost as good as Shadesbreath's" level of photography. Impossible as that may seem in itself, you can certainly strive for it. Keep that camera and press on!
:D
Hi, I loved your photos, mind you I did look at them in the dark, with dark glasses on, oh and the moon wasn't out either...! by the way, congrats on your book! yeah!
Thanks, Nell. Can't wait for the next week to go by. Waiting is so painful, and patience is not my strong suit.
And, as for viewing this hub in the dark, I think it can only be made better for having done so. Frankly, most my work is best seen in the dark. In fact, I imagine if you turn off your monitor while you are at it, many of my hubs would improve dramatically.
Lol!
Rodney, Shades Plagerism is a noble art. Look at Shakespeare or is it Bacon or is it Who the hell knows.
It is, Sixty, it is. And while many think it's easy, it takes considerable skill to know what you should steal and when. PLus there's the labor involved with swapping out their name for yours... a guy could get carpal tunnel syndrome or something.
Or famous or something like our Willy. interesting that! Your brain on a spine and his willy?
Oh, my brain is not on his willy. LOLOL. I adore the man, but not near enough for that sort of intimacy.
Ok Ignore my comment it was simply a "brain flash"!
Don't be flashing your brain around here, young man. Nobody wants to see that. Besides, every time you open that trench coat people are going to think you're brain is trying to sell them a cheap watch.
Tick tock omigod it's a Clock!
LOL, yeah, a clock people don't want to face.
I love your composition and the depth of focus! Canon or Nikon? When you get a chance, I'd like to know what lens you used, and whether you used a hood to avoid glare.
Amazing hub. National Geographics will be proud to have you on board. Voted up and beautiful!
It's true, Marcy, I am a photographer of that caliber. I would tell you what lenses and stuff I used, but if I told you that all the major camera manufacturers send me their prototypes and stuff to get my opinions of you probably wouldn't believe me.
Rochelle Frank 5 months ago
Very enlightening. Are you sure you have the rights to all of those photos? I think I have seen them somewhere before.