God Hates Bees: Gender Issues in the Insect World and Why It Sucks to Be a Bee
66
Monarchy
How much would it suck to be a bee? I mean, think about what a bee's life is all about. First, you live in a hive serving a Queen. As if monarchies aren't totally out-dated and mostly a thing of the past. Second, you are one of like ten thousand women with no men to hang out with. Oh sure, there's some drones cruising the hallways of the hive, but Her Almighty Beeness saves all of the hot ones for herself, which pretty much leaves nothing for you. Then, as if no dates on Friday nights and a supreme tyrant aren't odious enough, you can't even vent your anger in a bar fight or something. Heck, as far as that goes, you can't even defend yourself at all.
Combat
In fact, that's probably the worst part of being a bee. I can't think of any other instance in nature that is as unfair as a bee's defensive circumstance. Look at it like this: There you are, minding your little bee business when all of a sudden along comes a predator of some sort and threatens your life. You think to yourself, "Oh crap, a predator is threatening my life. I better defend myself," right? So, being a bee, you turn to your natural defenses and sting your assailant bravely. And what do you get for your courage? Death. And a slow, agonizing one at that.
So what was the point? Seriously, why even bother defending yourself. Let's say the predator was a dog or a bear or even a kid looking for some fun with his new magnifying glass on a sunny day. Whatever. So, in your little insect desire to defend yourself, you thrust your little pinprick stinger into your enemy and then get to suffer the slow and, let's be honest, humiliating death of having your butt ripped out by the roots. How nice! And here you could have died instantly in the crushing jaws of dog or bear, or perhaps slightly less instantly but fast just the same, in the super-heated sun spot of Junior's make-shift laser beam. But no, that's not what you did because you are a bee. You lay there panting with your entrails pulled out of your eviscerated backside, defeated and mocked by both fate and God. Frankly, I think that sucks.
Philosophy
If I was a bee and I died like that, I think when I got to Bee Heaven I would want to have a long discussion with the Bee God to ask him what the heck was up with that one shot stinger thing. I'd say, "Hey, Bee God, what's the deal with my ass coming off the first time I get in a fight?"
Yeah. I'd love to hear what he had to say to that.
Now, I know what you're probably thinking right now; you're thinking to yourself, "I notice this author is just assuming that the Bee God is a ‘he.'" Well, to that I have only one response: Who else would create a society wherein it was almost entirely women, the women do all the work, and the role of men is simply to mate as often as they can with the most prestigious woman of the bunch?
Yeah, that's what I thought. Don't ever question me again!
Conclusion
So anyway, I just felt that it should be pointed out how much being a bee would suck. I think it would bee-hoove all of us to take a deep breath and utter a silent word of thanks to the universe for not making us be a bee. If someone threatens us or makes us mad, at least we can punch them in the mouth, bust a cap in them or whatever else comes to mind. There's a lot to bee said for that. Besides, can you imagine having to wear black and orange stripes every day? Sheesh. No wonder the drones don't even look twice.
Notice the Wasp (1st) vs. Bee (second)... totally unfair.
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Um, I think, based on your description, that I may BE a bee. Yikes.
i didn't realize bees were girls. I thought bees were boys. Now that I know the truth I'm kind of disturbed about it all.
Thanks though. I think.
Squimpleton, you are so right. There is no justice in a bee's life at all. I'm surprised they don't all rise up and kick the living daylights out of that slut of a queen and start like a little mini Beemocracy or something. It's just wrong, I tell you. That stolen honey thing is just another stickey wicket.
Pgrundy, indeed it is true. All bees are chicks, except the drones, who are to the last man unmitigated louts, lazy beyond redemption and incapable of any thought that does not include a brass pole and smearing the queen with royal jelly.
I always wondered how a bee determines that critical moment when it must use its last line of defense. Maybe one day, they'll learn to poke with just enough force to make penetration or perhaps they'll invent a bungee that can be surgically implanted into their behinds that will allow theirs stingers to do the job wihhout such a cruddy ending.
I think it's the barb that does it. They need to file down their stingers and get rid of that thing. Make it a rapier rather than an arrow head.
All things being equal, I'd rather be a bee, than a dung beetle.
Only God can make a bee :-) ROTFL Shadesbreath
RMR, I have to say, I'd rather eat poo and be able to defend myself than to have my sphincter extracted should I find myself in a skirmish some day. But, such is the joy of life, to each his own and all that rot. :)
Yes, but I reckon the bees give Him some flack when they die, Robie. You know it's true.
Wow, wait till they reach the 'feminism' stage. It would totally be the opposite of human feminism, they'd probably force drones to open doors for them instead of the other way round.
Hah, yes... imagine a world where chivalry and gallantry were actually desired again, recognized as the respect and adoration they were for so many for so long... before something somewhere along the way poisoned the waters of gender somehow.
Shadesbreath when are you going to learn to BEEhive yourself as it BEEhoves you to do. The F-BEE-I are gonna get you for spilling the BEEns on the BEEhive BEErocracy!
Great fun! Now I have got to buzz off before I BEE come Waspish!
Sixty, I can't beelieve you would beesmirch the English language with such puns. I have pun alergies, and reading yours gave me hives.
:P
What a gret hub, Im smiling all the way....I think a bees life can give inspiration and nightmares...R
Thanks for those kind words, Raguett. I'm glad if my inane little hubs can give someone a smile... finding out they did is a delightful reward.
Brilliant Shadesbreath. Definite thumbs up for that one. I laughed all the way through. Mind you thay do have a cool language, with that waggle dance they do. Imagine, a language that's like a boogie.
Yeah, I tried to capture that wriggle with the Queen in the first picture so as to do justice to the nature of nature. lol. I'm glad I'm not a bee though because I have atrocious rhythm and if I had to communicate through dance, wow would people get the wrong messages. :)
Glad you got a chuckle out of it, and thanks.
Good one! I think bumble bees have a better life than honey bees, acting out insoluble aerodynamics conundrums for humans to mess with.
Yeah, I think bumblebees might be alien space ships or something. There's really no other explanation. Unless their gastric processes produce helium instead of methane.
Great hub... Now you need a few sequels... like...
"It Sucks to be a Dung Beetle"
or maybe
"It Rocks to be A Skunk!"
Hah, that's so funny. I actually started a story about skunks once. Maybe I will blow the dust off it and bring it to modernity. What an awesome idea! I could try to serialize this. Thanks!!!!
Very funny hub. You make me feel kinda bad for them. Well I will at least feel bad until one stings me for stealing their honey.
Heh, Jim, that's pretty much how I lose my sympathy for them too. Hard to feel sorry for them while your skin gets all puffy, red and itchy. But a nice peanut butter and honey sandwich can rekindle the fondness for them once the itchiness is past.
Glad you got a laugh out of this, and thanks for the comments. :)
Shadesbreath...you took my breath away. This is sooo funny and the bees thank you for "pointing" out their dilemma. I don't wanna be a bee. But, I sure like their honey.
You think the reason they're disappearing is they just got tired of the whole shebang?
Bees have it great.
They're lucky.
Signed,
A male Praying Mantis.
Marisue, it might well be a bee suicide thing... or else they're moving to communist countries hoping for some equality. I understand bees are not big readers and therefore might not be aware how badly that whole communism thing played out. Or maybe they are going to like Jamaica or someplace that has a good hedonistic sub-set where they can work through their queen envy. Hard to say.
Eric, at least the male mantis gets laid once (maybe more if there's no humans peeping in trying to film him making mantis porn). Bees die virgins. I think I'd rather have the option of choosing to die for love (ok, ravenous lust, whatever) as opposed to some naturally conspired abstinence.
Well for your and Eric's information I guess being bee beets beeing a male scorpion who at the apex of love is stung to death and his carcase used for fodder for the cute liittle 'uns.
So how do you feel about that!
signed
A cautious male scorpion (unlaid as yet!)
Well, Sixty, I say that's pretty much the same problem the male mantis has. The male mantis, the male black widow, scorpion males (says you), and ... OMG. Oh, oh. Dude, you and Eric just gave me the idea for a hub. hah... I'm out (thanks for comment.)
shadesbreath...you are a riot!!! Even your comments are as funny as your hub....I'm dying here!!! I needed a good laugh today...did you go read my last devil's hub? I want to invite you to do that as I always value your input....I also had a scarey experience today and wrote about it as well, but your hub put the zip back in my step!!! Thanks so much and also for letting me put a plug here about my hub. =)
and, how come you know so much about insects??? Or do we want to know???
Marisue, the reason I know so much about insects is that, as you may have forgotten, I am a bombastic know-it-all. One of the primary functions of bombastic-know-it-allity is to know, well ... all. So, I do. The recent entemological bent of my hubs merely reflects the light of my genius bouncing off one facet of the incredible vastness of my pendantry. In time you will see that I have exactly as much in-depth knowledge of all topics as I have clearly demonstrated here. Just wait.
As for reading your latest Devil's hub, watch as I hit "post" and go do it now.
Thanks for the kind words, as always, feed back means much. :)
"Light of my Genius bouncing off one facet of the incredible etc, etc, etc . . . "
I think I'm going to throw up.
Thou doubtest my claims?!!!
/here's a bucket lol
A very good lesson to be learned here: The disasters of a Matriarchal Society. Let the women-folk plan your defense strategies and what have you got? One-trick-pony defenders with their asses ripped out.
(Sometimes, it's fun just to egg it on... hee-hee!)
LOL yes, and I can pretend to take the high road here.
I thought you deserved it...
Thanks, you're so thoughtful.
I do what I can... You know, for all the poor and-a down-troddin-a pipples.
Hi Shadesbreath....has anyone worked out how bees actually fly? I had heard it's one of the great unsolved mysteries of aerodynamics. Well if some mysteries have to remain, so bee it (ouch!)
Ooh, very punny!
Lexica, that's a very astute question. As was discussed above regarding bumble bees, it may be that when regular bees get gas, they have helium rather than methane. That is science's prevailing answer at the moment, but there is some research being done in Finland that has a different view. The Finnish researchers have pointed out that the yellow ichor that smears all over your windshield when you hit a bee, you know that half a tablespoon of golden goo that far outstrips in volume anything they could possibly actually have inside themselves, well, that is an anti-gravity gel. Or at least that's what they're saying in Finland. Time will tell.
Enlightened, hilarious, happy with belaughter.
Saddened about the memory recall.
Son one would never stop talking, from the time he woke in the morning, still talking when he went to sleep.
Family went to the beach one day and could you believe son 1 was talking.
That was until a bee stung his tongue.
Rushed to hospital and four hours latter we went home. No bee was found and Son 1 could not talk for a month.
That was a small blessing in beeguise.
Thanks for n hilarious hub.
Wow, that had to suck being stung on the tongue. I want to laugh, but, ugh, can't get past trying to imagine having a swollen, itchy tongue. Talk about something that would dominate your awareness all day every day. Sheesh. Still, it is hard to get the kids to shut up sometimes lol.
Glad you enjoyed.
What if the bee's ban together and form a class action lawsuit against you for telling their deepest secrets?
Great read your a lot of Shadesbreath! I'm hooked, its nice to let your mind wonder sometimes, I needed that!
PnP~It all makes sense until it doesn't
If they do, I'm sure Spryte will take the case, Pen. She's a litigious one, that.
I'm glad you enjoyed, and, yes, it does all make sense until it ... uh, what?
Well, crap...perfect moment for me to be stumbling into this hub. :P
At first, I thought this explained the mysterious disappearance of the bee population. But then I found this...
http://nakedloon.com/sci-tech/2008/05/30/rampaging
If anybody should be sued, it's these homicidal tots.
And yes...I think that bees get a bum rap....
spryte
Hah... I'd love to see them actually implement child paralyzing stuff. Man, how awesome would that bee.
*spryte races in wielding an eraser and quickly takes out the word "homicidal" replacing it with the more species correct version "api(s)cidal"*
Too late, you ain't fooling anyone.
Love this hub! Missed reading it the first time around, so glad you mentioned it.
I like this hub a lot
How'd I miss this until now? Very funny stuff!
Yay, my gutted bees got a few more people to watch them. LOL. They were lonely over here in this empty hive of a hub. Thanks for coming.
I needed the laugh today.
I'm glad you found one. :)
Shadesbreath you're a wonder. When I think you can't get any more ridiculous, you have more funny stuff up your sleeve. I Love the pics too, quite a hoot.
one great funny hub regards Zsuzsy
This is nuts! But oh so funny! It's un-bee-lievable where the mind goes sometimes!
Guess I'll go take care of my little bee-business and buzz off!
Thanks for the laughs, Shades :)
Listen "Bee God" this brought me to tears as I have not laughed that hard in a long time !!!:)
Thanks Zsuzsy, I would think you of all people could appreciate the dilemma of these poor creatures. :)
Thanks for flying by, Trish, I'm unbeelievably grateful for your taking the time to read and laugh at my hub as I drone on about bees.
AEvans, in his mercy, the Bee God has stung you with his rapier wit, I am mearly the messenger.
I was chuckling up to the illustration of the bee with the butt problem, and then I lauged! I laughed hard! And it lasted throughout the entire peice. I think I saw that you said you did the illustration. They're perfect and hysterical. I guess I know where Lauren gets it from.
It's great to be able to go back and read these hidden gems. Absofrickenlutely hysterical!
Bee cool!
THanks man. I'm so glad this hub is getting some reads. I laughed so hard the whole time I was doing the pictures, when I wrote "Dude?" on that bee on the right in the Bee Heaven picture I swear I was laughing so hard. /sigh. I probably drink too much, but, well, a laugh is a laugh, right? Thanks for reading it man. Making you laugh is good, keeps us even.
It was hilarious and I burst out laughing. Btw if you were the queen bee would you still be complaining to GOD...hehe
Excellent work, you are exemplary among hubbers as you do not steal others images for commercial purposes, you create your own!
I was truly laughing aloud- have you seen the recent Pixar Bee Movie (seinfeld as main voice actor)?
An excellent point, CW, and I confess, no I would not. I think the queen has a great set up. Frankly, I'd love to just lie around in an opulent central chamber of my fortress and be waited upon hand and foot by hawt chicks, with nothing to do but breed and eat and breed. /sigh. What a wondrous life.
Thanks Sunforged, I have fun making my pics, and I recruit my daughter frequently too. I try to follow the rules, have probably broken a few anyway, but, my recent stuff has been much more conscientious than my early ones. There's some pretty good free pic sites out there anyway, no point to rip off stuff, even if the term "commercial" hardly fits my 12-15 cents a day. LOL And yeah, I saw the Bee Movie, I even have a link up there for Amazon. You should go buy a copy and make this really a commercial hub. LOL
Very funny Shades, I just wish I knew where you come up with these great ideas for hub topics. :)
One shot stinger....ROFL! You've got tons of good ones in there, and I can totally see why you picked this as your favorite. It's awesomely funny. The pictures really got me rolling too, especially the first one...and the second one (you want some of this)...oh heck, all of em are good. Now did you mention that you drew these?? They're good and add so much 'funny' to the hub.
Thanks, Misty. I wish I knew too; I'd come up with more. Ideas come when they come. Sometimes with long droughts between.
Pam, yeah, these are my pics. My daughter's look better, but sometimes I can come up with enough for a gag, so I'm happy.
This made my day! I always knew bees had it bad, but I'd take it up with the bee God sometime. Obviously the complaints have done little to change their circumstances :D
I think it's because he is a dude god. The whole system is sexist, and I don't blame the bees for beeing pissed off. A quest doesn't get much more futile than trying to change the mind of an insect diety like that once he gets his mind set.
I can't BEElieve what you've BEEgun here. I mean, really you need to BEEhave yourself.
BEEfore it gets out of hand!!!
Great Hub Shades - very,very funny - loved the drawings -very clever and so apt ...."I think it would bee-hoove all of us to take a deep breath " and think about how sad it is that the bee-leagured bee-ginner bee actually bee..lieves that it's stinging bottom bee-quest, which bee-twixt life and death it bee-queaths to bee-enfit the bee - queen..... thanks for posting this as I missed it first time around..
So as an Irishman by birth would Christoph say to this 'BEEjabers!!' in an Irish accent???
reckon he might!! good one misty...
they get to eat lots of honey - a plus?
Do they eat it? lol. I always thought honey was what happened when bees threw up.
hey Shades, seen you on hubtivity and thought I'd drop by and invite you to a party for Benson
http://hubpages.com/hub/Please-Come-To-Benson-Yeun
or this is is pretty funny and I have been hanging out there.
http://hubpages.com/hub/Top-3-Reasons-to-Exercise-
It would be nice if you could hang out for awhile tonight, it's been a long time.
I will pop by for a bit. I have about 60 pages to read tonight still, and some bills to pay, but I can harass you guys for a little while.
Woo hoo!
Hey, Shades! Stranger.
I outta sic you on this character we have on here. Me and Goldentoad been raggin him cause he's a #1 Ass.
That guy just wants attention though. He is such a loser. I think any attention he gets would just make him happy.
Sup Christoph! I"m coming to check out those links now.
I do bee-lieve it's better to be a cat!!
Now I've got that Monty Python song stuck in my mind -- you know, the one about Eric the Half a Bee? Dang I'll have to look for it on YouTube, you'd love it, as you are obviously as daft (and witty) as the Python gang. . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_-vxAFcQIU hope this links. . .
Hah, that is delightfully daft. Here's another link, that one loaded slow (so I missed whatever the video part was), but at least this one gets the whole song in case someone else tries to watch and doesn't want to wait for the load either: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iSssOpLTPM
Thanks for sharing that, that's one I'd never heard before. :)
just ran across this hub, so glad I did
you are friggin funny!
thanks for the laugh
Yay, I'm glad you found it too. This is arguably my favorite hub and, as is often the case with such things, it sort of just didn't pan out like I figured it would. I'm happy my little bees got to amuse someone. :) Thanks for saying so too.
Too funny! Enjoyed it thoroughly :-) Thanks for putting a smile on my face this morning. Rock on!
Hah! GOOD someone read this. I swear, this is one of my two favorite hubs and it just bombed for traffic. I think its funny too... poor bees. I cracked myself up when I drew that picture of them standing in front of bee god with their asses ripped out. Maybe I'm just immature. (Ok, I totally am, but still...) It would just suck to be a bee. I'm glad you read it and glad you liked it. Thanks. :)
You don't mention the fate of the drones - they either get to mate and have their innards ripped out - genitals first - or they get a wing (just one) bitten off bythe workers and ejected from the domicile just before winter
Eww, maybe I should have included them in my Worst Species to Be Male. You make it sound far less glorious than I would have imagined. I would hate having my innards ripped out genitals first. That would suck; I am certain of it.
thanks for the giggles. I love this little bee story. I'm sure the next time I see a bee out in my backyard, I will think of this and start laughing. I'll probably start having a conversation with it! :] BEE-lovely.
I hope you do, poor little things. Forced into Kamikaze-dom by God. It's so unfair. :D
Yea guess what, I got stung by a bee for the first time today and im 34, let me tell you I hate them things they HURT....
LOL. Yes, they do. HOpefully you did not swell up horribly like I do. I hate bees too, and tend to react like a four-year-old girl who's just seen a ghost for real when I see them, but I'm not going to say that online, so, yeah, anyway.
Squimpleton 3 years ago
Hilarious, just plain hilarious. It does suck to be a bee, and you don't even mention how bears and humans actually think they have a right to the bee's honey! I mean sheesh, it's bad enough all of the workers are really slaves to the Queen, but now they have to work even harder to make up for all of the stolen honey.