Five Secrets to Successful Shopping with Your Man
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I hear and read frequently about how difficult it is for men and women to come together on the issue of shopping or going to the mall. Men hate shopping, period. Women love shopping, and it's an activity they'd really like to be able to share with the man they love, an opportunity to spend time together in an environment that gives women joy. The problem is, men hate it so bad that if they get stuck going shopping with their woman, they make her miserable the entire time. They snarl and grumble and drag their feet, frankly sometimes they act like children. Women have been forced to either go shopping alone without the man they love, or to make him go anyway and then just try to have fun somehow despite his piss-poor attitude. This rarely pays dividends.
Fortunately I have the solution that you need. The Five Secrets to Successful Shopping with Your Man will solve your shopping troubles once and for all. With these secrets, your man will not only be able to endure shopping trips at the mall with you, he will enjoy them. And you will, for the first time in all of human history, be able to take a man shopping and, not only have him along to carry stuff, but actually have him engaged in the outing with his best, fun-loving self fully manifest the entire time, with no sulking, no sniping and no running off for the nearest TV store looking for a game. In short, shopping becomes fun for you.
I will preface this with one conditional: like relationships in general, these strategies require effort. Nothing worth having is easy, and some of these things are going to require that you push past your traditional comfort zone. At least at first, until you get used to it. But, enough of that, let's get to it, shall we?
Technique 1: Samples
Alright, in order to break into this slowly, I'm going to start with an easy one. Ladies, men are ravenous animals, right? All they want to do is eat, sleep and have sex. Well, what better way to get your man to the mall and like it then to make sure he gets to eat stuff?
You can't just go into chick stores the whole time when you are at the mall. And, contrary to what you might think, guys don't want to browse through the "man" stores either. Guys don't browse. So all those attempts to appease him by taking him through the sporting goods stores or electronics stores in the past, walking through the aisles... yeah, that wasn't helping you; you were just prolonging the misery. So stop.
Take him sample browsing instead. For every two chick stores you drag him through looking at horrible crap that no guy will ever care about, take him into a Hickory Farms, a See's Candies or a 31 Flavors ice cream. Get him some samples. Let him feed his animal desire to, uh, feed. Don't let him fill up, just sample. If he buys something, fine, but don't let him eat it until you get home if you can help it. Just samples. You'll want to save lunch for its own diversion after the eighth or ninth store. And, whatever you do, don't browse, don't comment on how such-and-such basket would be nice for Aunt Grace down in Abilene. Just seek and destroy the samples and get out.
To maximize the benefit of this strategy, you must be enthusiastic and have fun with this experience. Any provocative eating techniques on your part will enhance the experience for him and make his returning with you next time more likely.
Technique 2: Cleavage Patrol
As long as we're talking about provocative things, it's important for you, the chick, to remember that you are the one perpetrating a shopping trip on your man. Being as this is an unnatural condition for males, you need to press past your comfort zone a little and help him find joy in your shopping world.
The simple fact is, when you bring your man to the mall, he is practically blowing out his neck muscles trying not to get whiplash looking around at all the spectacular cleavage going on in that place. Frankly, all that restraint is painful and miserable, and it only makes the one thing at the mall that guys do enjoy ironically unsatisfying.
So, ladies, you play too. I call it the Cleavage Game. It requires nothing spectacular, just a simple 1 to 10 scale will suffice. Since you know he's looking, just relax and help him enjoy the only real fun the mall has to offer him. So, as you approach a pair of sweet young women walking towards you in low cut shirts, just say to him, "Eight and Six," as they walk past. At first he won't know what you're talking about. But, you just smile and say, "I saw you looking at them, and, I don't blame you. The one on the left had great cleavage. The other one was just ok."
At first he'll be in shock, but, as long as you can convince him that you are sincere and not luring him into some kind of insidious woman trap, eventually he will start to believe that you really are the woman of his dreams. From then on out, he will be able to have fun with you at the mall.
Once you've established the game, all you have to do on your part is every so often toss out a number when some busty, open-bloused woman happens past. You don't even have to pay attention all the time. He'll do most of the work and you can just browse at the stuff you really came to see. Just remember to toss a number out every once in a while if you notice some woman along the way. If you miss one and he calls you on it, just tell him you didn't think hers were worthy of a grade. He'll love you for it. Trust me.
(There is a more risqué version of this game that includes looking up through glass panels if your mall has an upper deck with transparent railing materials, but I'll leave that for you to figure out and incorporate as you choose.)
Technique 3: Perfume for Fun
Ok, now it's pretty certain you're going to end up at a cosmetics counter eventually as they are the gravitational equivalent of black holes on women. Unfortunately, most men are ready to kill themselves at this point. There really is no more miserable experience than this because the cosmetics counter is NEVER anywhere near any possible diversion for a guy.
But, you can fix that.
Instead of just asking your man to tell you if he likes how something smells in the air or on your palm, roll up your sleeve and hit your forearm good. Let him smell that. He'll figure, "same as usual" at first.
Then, open up your top button on your blouse and spritz your cleavage. Ask him how that smells too, be a dirty girl for once. Tell him that perfumes smell different on different parts of your skin.
In fact, if you really want to get him going, say, "Hmm, I wonder if it smells the same on her," as you point to the hawt chick working behind the counter that's helping you. "Do you mind?" Of course she won't because that's her job. So, start with her wrist. She'll hit it with perfume and then you can give her wrist a sniff. Go slow as you do this, remember your man is watching. Then, real casual like, while you're still holding her arm in your hands, tell your man, "what do you think?" and indicate her arm.
Give her a chance to bail out, but she won't, and he gets to sniff her too. Now THAT is giving, my friends, and don't you want to give to your man, since he is giving to you by coming along to the mall? Of course you do.
You might even ask the hawt chick if she minds a cleavage spritz too, on the same "different parts of the body" principle from before. Watch how happy your man becomes when you make this request. The odds are she's going to say "no," but now your man knows that you were thinking of him rather than yourself.
Anyway, you get the point.
Technique 4: Buy Him Something Secretly
Ok, this is simple. When you're training your dog to do tricks, to do things you want your dog to do that it would not otherwise have done on its own, what do you do? You give it treats, right? Right. Men (animals, as we discussed earlier) are no different. So buy him something. You must not promise this in advance. It has to be a surprise, and no the food and candy from number 1 up there don't count.
And the "treat" doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just, something. It can even just be like a squirt gun at that one weird store you went into or the little alligator on a stick that opens and closes its mouth when you pull the little trigger on the other end. Just something. (Yes, these sound like toys and this idea is very similar to how you would treat a child, but I believe "childish" was also mentioned in the introduction up above.)
Choose when you give it to him carefully, whether in a moment his enthusiasm seems to be waning, as a pick me up, or when you get home as a surprise. Just remember, you have to reward him with his treat close enough to the "trick" that he associates the gift with the activity. Man memory isn't much better than dog memory when it comes to this kind of associative process.
Technique 5: Lingerie
Alright, on the topic of treats and buying him things, and by now you may be noticing a certain theme to these strategies, here's the last, and perhaps at this point, obvious one.
So, when you go into places like Victoria's Secret, Fredericks of Hollywood or wherever else. You need to try stuff on and let him check you out. This may require you cast off some of your modesty, obviously. Another great trick, if you can find a store that does it, is to have the women there try stuff on too. You have to allow yourself to be enthusiastic about this, because he, in the name of not pissing you off, will probably not be able to drool and say the stuff he would have said if you weren't there. So it's up to you to make this entertaining for him with your genuine appreciation for how stuff looks. If you must, think of it as "acting" until you can internalize the fun (just as you are hoping he will internalize the fun of coming to the mall).
The bottom line is, the experience is up to you. If you want to share these moments of shopping joy with the man you love, you're going to have to put a bit more effort in. I know, you may be thinking, why can't he put more effort in? Why can't he stop dragging his feet and acting miserable instead?
Well, here's the part you're missing. He came with you. He didn't want to. He wanted to stay home and watch the game. YOU made him come. So, you have three choices.
- Let him stay home next time.
- Drag him along and you can both be miserable.
- Put some effort into making the experience fun for both of you.
Enthusiasm is the Key
The ultimate success of these techniques really depends on the effort mentioned in number three. For these techniques to work, you will notice that each of them required enthusiasm on your part. You have to make him believe you truly care about the things he truly cares about at the mall. Remember, you didn't like his lack of enthusiasm for shopping in the past, right? His sulking half-assed attempt to be a part of the experience? Well, if you want him to be enthusiastic about the trip, you have to be enthusiastic about the parts of it that will make him be, well, enthusiastic too.
I hope this helps to bring you and your man together and enables more quality time for you both. Good luck and happy shopping.
Quick Poll
Would you consider doing this for your man?
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If I had to put this much effort into my husband going shopping with me I would just leave him home, oh yeah, I do.
Clearly you are an exceptional wife, Misty. And that salesbeotch sounds like a real piece of work.
And Gwendy, that is stil a win/win scenario, so everyone is happy.
(Whoa, this ebay capsule is a little racey. I wonder if I should change it.)
Generally I avoid shopping unless I have to, but on this occasion whatever shop we went to the shopper woman seemed to end up in the same shop. It became kind of funny as we were debating him bringing me in clothes to try in every changing room just to see if she kept on complaining to the staff about him. I guess she would have thought he was stalking her sooner or later :)
haha, I see you changed the ebay ads.
Oh I forgot earlier. Good job! I always love your writing, it's always entertaining.
I had to go shopping today, with my two teenaged daughters. I was thought about writing about it, something like How I embarass my kids without even trying. Yea, it was that bad.
Misty, that shopper person probably only wishes someone would stalk her and she was taking it out on you that you had someone doting on you. Poor miserably thing, probably lives alone watching Wheel of Fortune reruns and has 35 cats.
And yeah, Gwendy, I did. There was one with the model in a body stocking, pretty much totally naked. As much as I condone that sort of evening wear, somehow I think HubPages would take it out on my hub even though Ebay put that picture there.
And you should write that. I bet a whole bunch of us could fill in comments of how we embarass our kids (on purpose or by accident.) I mess with my kids constantly. I'll read it if you write it. You can even pimp it here if you want for a free advert.
I don't go shopping at malls...and if I do, I go alone. In fact, the last time we went shopping we went to Lowe's and he forced me to leave the comfort of the vehicle and dragged me in. Why couldn't he have gone alone? And the worst part...he didn't buy me a single treat or join me in ogling any male butts....
Perhaps you should write a column for men too.
Shades, I just might write it, and thanks for the pimping offer.
I agree with spryte, we want treats too.
Living with us is a treat. God you women are spoiled. Learn to recognize a good deal when you have one.
Shades, I am going to have to stop the compliments, your ego is out of control! You can demand treats and we can't? WTF? I would take more time to cuss your a** but my name is earl is on, so you get a deferred sentence. Ok, I'm sorry. kinda. I still love ya, just check that ego.
Love the 35 cats idea Shades, probably correct as she was in the right age group. :)
As for living with you men being a treat, hmmmm i doubt that will hold up to further scrutiny :) :)
Shades, you haven't replied. I'm getting worried. are you watching Earl? Did I go too far? I really am sorry.
No, sorry, I went outside to sit in the driveway and drink beer with the neighbors. LOL. I got thick skin, trust me. You can't sling out crap I like I did and not be able to take a jab. I always assume humor in comments until proven otherwise. :) (And my ego is all fake for humor anyway, so, it's all good.)
And Misty, yes, remarks like that are best left unscrutinized. I toss em out and then run out to the driveway to drink beer with my neighbors. LOL
Like the idea of beers with neighbours, (pauses), or anyone for that matter, beer is good :)
Dang it, you had me worried. I am sorry. I have been left home alone (i.e. unsupervised) and got all crazy. Bad gwendy, bad bad. Enjoy your beer. I will try and behave myself.
I'm gonna go wake my wife up. I'm pretty sure there's an all-night Mall around her somewhere. The really interesting thing is this would work! And what's up with the poll? 50% an adamant "No"? WTF?
I figure Misty is the "Some of them," Spryte is the "Hell, No," and, I'm the "Yes, it's genius." Nobody else is reading it, so, not that hard to noodle through. :)
where have you been Christoph? This place is so boring, I have gotten so bored I rearranged my netflix Queue. If you wake her up I might not have anyone to talk to, and besides as the poll showed she probably wouldn't go for this anyway.
Spryte skewed the poll with her evil, feminist ways. Christoph is probably at the mall breathing Chanel #5 out of some hawt 20 year old's cleavage right now.
Shades your back too? Entertain me! I would entertain myself but that would require batteries and I bought the wrong size today.
ROFL... I got too much going on tonight to provide a steady entertainment source. I was like you the other night, bored as hell and nobody was around. Hubpages needs a chatroom or something. Or like, three of them. One for the Good, Kind and Pure; one for the average person with marginal tolerance for the overbearing powers of light and for the decadent and unrefined; and one for people who like to have fun.
Dang Shades I was counting on you. And Christoph has bailed for the mall I think. Hubpages does need a chatroom, but then that would cut down on our comments. I think I would fall into the decadent and unrefined category. Ok,I guess I'll have to find other ways to entertain myself.
You can go make up terms in that forum Jerrico put up about hubpages terms. I just amused myself for like five minutes doing that. lol
I think I will go to bed, have fun. Night.
If I had a man, I might have tried this, especially the second one :)
Night, Gwendy.
And yeah, Misha, the second one is the backbone of happiness. I'm surprised a singularly successful Internet presence like yourself doesn't have a man. We could start a campaign to get you one though.
Thank you Shades, I am fine with my wife :)
Ok, let me know if you change your mind. I'm here to help, you know?
My evil feminst ways huh? :) You obviously have not gone grocery shopping with my husband. First...he commandeers the grocery cart because it's "the man's job to drive." Then...he daydreams in the aisle...so that I have to bring the groceries back to wherever I lost him...usually a few rows back. I even turn a blind eye when he stuffs things that aren't on the list into the cart and promise him a Starbucks after we're done.
But yes...I suppose it's a good deal and I should realize what a treat it is. Maybe I'll have a little fun and tell him I forgot the tampons and send him back for them....
Hey! Sorry. I had a busy night. I should have more time tomorrow. Turns out the nearest all night mall was in Kansas City, so there and back, that's like a 10 hour drive.
Hi Shades you have certainly struck a chord. I used to enjoy shopping with my dearly beloved but she always has to buy something. I am all for ogling, tasting and sniffing. I help with clothes sizes too. But why all the buying? I mean a lot of it goes back for exchange or refund and the cycle just starts again. So I have become the pain in the butt, moaning, griping tag along that you so aptly describe. We have a friend who owns a boutique and it is great to help out with comment and critique as to how great these kids look in their prom gowns!
BTW I do the weekly grocery shopping alone (we used to do it together but she just keeps adding stuff not on the list!)
Great hub!
I used to complain my husband would not go shopping with me, instead he would happily snore in the car. Not content with his solution, I insisted he go with me. He nearly broke the bank buying 20 pairs of jeans, all with 32 inch waists, when he had a 38 inch waist, because he was "going to lose weight." Cured me on shopping with him, although he will come in if he thinks food is involved.
Bill and I do 1 & 2 & 4 all the time. I'm 55 so #5 would be a good way to get him to run screaming for the exit but if we're looking at clothes and I try stuff on then of course I include him. The truth is, neither of us is much for shopping but when we do go we have fun. The perfume counter appeals to neither of us.
Bill swore for the first couple of years he knew me that I was actually a guy in chick's clothing, but then we started living together and I would occasionally initiate the "we need to talk about our relationship" discussion or I'd ask him if a certain outfit made me look fat and he'd start screaming, "OMG you're a chick! You lied! Stop it! Stop it right now! You're scaring me!"
So now I don't start those kinds of discussions anymore and we're pretty happy.
What I want to see is a hub on making a trip to Lowe's or Tractor Supply fun for your woman. There were are, standing in front of the hardware drawers for ten minutes while he ponders, "A nickel or copper or 3/8 inch or 1/4 inch thingmaboobie" and I'm like, I don't know, decorative...
Get crackin' on THAT hub, wouldja?
Thanks Shadesbreath!
(Seriously, this one is hilarious, as usual. You're a riot.)
Spryte, my Husband is exactly the same in a supermarket. He wanders off with the trolley and I have to go find him to offload the armful of shopping I have accumulated. :)
*nods* See...I think men are worse shoppers. And as for the Lowe's hub...absolutely. The particular day I am complaining about...we spent 30 minutes as he couldn't decided between the 7/8" and the 1" drill bit. I mean...WTF? 1/8 of an inch??? Does it REALLY matter? Ask a woman...1/8" is not going to make a big difference.
Spryte-- "Ask a woman...1/8" is not going to make a big difference."
LOL! Too funny! Amen sista!
Sprtye, clearly what you call day dreaming on your poor man's part is what you probably call "looking" or "comparing" or "thinking" when you are browsing in some hellish chick store. The fact that you are way ahead of him only proves that you are a ravenous chick shopper, ferreting through the store snatching up items as quickly as you can while your poor man merely tries to find some object that, perish the thought, he wants. :D /ducks
Damn, Christoph, that's some serious commitment on your part. I hope it was worth the little plastic aligator toy. They are fun though; I have mine right here too... GRRR ARRRR ARRG GRRRR.
Sixty, why can I see you and me sitting in a boutique critiquing girls in prom dresses and ending up getting the cops called on us? Or at the very least beat to death by our wives? I can't answer the buying/returning cycle. It's some estrogen based insanity. I'm not sure science will ever understand. Good call on going alone to the grocery store.
Jerilee, 32s instead of 38s? Is he a heavy user? LOL. I mean, wow, that's some serious optimism. Either that or he's a clever, clever man and he knew that would cure you of ever asking him to go. We men are not above putting three red shirts in with a load of whites just to sabbotage you ever asking us to do laundry again, so I wouldn't put it past him. (I mean, not that I would ever do that, because that would be wrong, but I'm just saying, it's possible that sort of thing could happen is what I mean, obviously.)
Pgrundy, you sound like my wife. She's pretty not-chicklike too. In fact, I'm the one that tries to talk about our relationship sometimes. Although, she had the same reaction that your old man had essentially, so I gave up doing that too. Apparently only one person in a relationship ever thinks about it, so it's best not to breach those topics. As for the Lowe's hub, I would write that, but let's be honest, women should not be in a store like Lowes. They could hurt themselves. :D /looks at Spryte and ducks again
And Misty, same thing I told Spryte. What's the rush? Hang back with him and rate cleavage.
"As for the Lowe's hub, I would write that, but let's be honest, women should not be in a store like Lowes. They could hurt themselves."
So then you know, of course, that the counterpart to your trick of throwing red shirts in with white laundry so you'll never be asked to do that again is for us to pick up a hammer and a crowbar and very casually announce we are off to fix the hinge on the bathroom door?
Oh yeah, you CAN get that man off the couch girls! LOL! And if you need heavy duty ammunition I have one word for you:
Powertools!
The difference is, men don't ask their women to fix stuff with power tools, but a woman will ask a man to help out with laundry or dishes around the house. No woman will ever be as efficient at being lazy as a man. :)
Well, you have me there.
I never ask Bill to do stuff though. Seriously I don't. He works a lot harder than I do in a lot of ways--and he does throw in laundry, but not because I ask him to do it--it's more because he's used to it from the days before Pam and also because he has strong laundry opinions.
Sometimes I would like to actually tackle a construction project on my own, but I confess the times I've tried I usually make a worse mess than if I'd not touched anything. Still, I always go in with total confidence.
I learned that in call centers. Always act like you know what you're doing no matter what a monkey you really are, and 70% of the time it will work out.
But that other 30%...yikes. (o:
Hah, yeah, as a salesrep I learned that "acting confident" thing too. For the first few years I couldn't get in to the car dealerships to see the guys I needed to see. Kept asking politely at the front counter if so and so was in, etc. and being told, equally politely, that they were busy, try some other time. Finally, an old veteran told me, "Dude, just walk into the shop like you belong there. All the vendors that do belong there just walk in, so, just walk in." So I did. Just strode into the back and started talking to mechanics and stuff. Found an old, beer swilling country boy type and next thing I know, he was taking me right to the decision makers. Acting cofident is the gateway to being it. lol
Spryte: What you're talking about right there is a DIFFERENT kind of 1/8", even though they're both tools, right? One really does matter.
Shade: Oh you have no idea, and I love my clamping aligator head, by the way. I used it to lightly bite the bottoms of passing ladies, and when they turned around in a huff, I acted retarded. Works every time!
Yeah, we used to call that the Steve Martin "Ruprecht play" (circa Dirty Rotten Scoundrels). lol
It's easy to get hubby to do things around my house *evil grin* Let's say I want to hang a picture up...or a bunch of pictures up. I grab a high heeled shoe, a butter knife, assorted screws and nails...and then ask him if he minds eyeballing it to let me know when it's level. :) Fear is a great motivator.
As for shopping...I'm not a mall rat. I do all my shopping online (except for groceries). So if hubby wants to ogle cleavage, he'll have to go to the mall alone. Unless of course it's butt cleavage...then he can go to Lowe's and hang out in the plumbing aisle.
I'm not sure why women feel compelled to bring a man along to a "chick store." I'd much rather have the company of somebody that is more fun like my sister or closest female friend. No offense...I'm sure there are some situations where having a man around is necessary (and given time I'll think of one or two, I'm sure)...but shopping isn't one of them.
Now keep it down...I'm trying to work here.
Hi, The minute I even mention shopping a sick feeling washes over my husband's face. Since I am a major shopper I go alone. This is a creative alternative to a night out at the movies;). THanks.
That's a very clever tactic with the picture thing there, Spryte. My wife does that too. She had this thing she wanted to hang from the ceiling, a big ole metal arty dragon with sharp edges and stuff, the kind that would really, really hurt someone or something if it fell on them,.... and she comes out with this little bity hook screw, I mean, the threaded end wasn't even a half in long and wasn't even sheet rock thread (as if that would have held this thing either).
Well, needless to say I did it. (Your gender is so devious it's frightening.)
And Candace, yes, it is an entertainment form. I still think you're better off leaving him home, but if you must take him, now you know what to do.
It should frighten you that your wife and I should have so much in common... :)
Holy smokes! Look at that bottom Ebay ad!
That is actually terrifying, Spryte. Sort of.
And yeah, that add is insane. I had to refresh it the other day. It's trying to be scandalous again.
Spryte, that trick so made me laugh. I would try it myself, but my Husband's DIY is worse than mine, and even my hanging basket brackets fell off the outside wall about four times last year after he put them up. I got a neighbour to do it in the end :)
Good stuff, Shades. Cleavage Patrol is genius. I don't think men hate shopping, as you suggested, I think we just do it differently. We know exactly what we want. We go to that section, look around a bit, find it, buy it and we're done. Sometimes finding something else we like and getting that too. Simple. Quick. On to bigger and better things. Obviously, it's the browsing, trying on, all-day thing we hate. It's torturous!
BTW, the ex and I solved this problem by going shopping seperately.
Yeah, CW, I think in the end shopping seperately is the only way. Because you're right, the all day trying stuff on thing is torturous. I don't try anything on. I go get what I want, as you pointed out... I call it "seek and destroy" shopping. If it doesn't fit, I usually take it back, but sometimes I don't. I just do without until I get motivated to go shopping again. My wife gets pissed and takes stuff back for me and buys something for herself or the kids lol.
My sides are sore from laughing at your comment:
"Sixty, why can I see you and me sitting in a boutique critiquing girls in prom dresses and ending up getting the cops called on us? Or at the very least beat to death by our wives?"
This too close to the truth for comfort.
But Spryte your devious trick for getting DIY done takes the biscuit. But I am heartened by your comment 1/8th of an inch makes no difference. Although the dress manufactures too are devious, they upsize dresses so that you think you are getting into a perfect fitting size 34, but it really is a 36! go one measure it or compare to older clothes in your wardrobe!
BTW Shades, Ebay is puting some interesting stuff up for sale!!!!
Shades, lOl!!! I have a pair of great looking below-the-knee tartan shorts. Brown, tan and blue - awesome looking! Wool, perfect for colder Fall! But they're a size too big (34 instead of 32). And I've never taken them back. I just wear a belt and deal with the extra bunching around the waste. Every time I wear them I think to myself, "Shit, I've gotta get a pair of these that fit!"
Misty, isn't there a series of thin books to help men (and women) do things like that around the house. They great tips! I seen them.
Yeah, I rarely get anything too big for me. Optimism and denial tend to guide my shopping choices. 'Least you can make your miss-buys work.
Constant, I shall look into these :)
Misty!!! Are you trying to say you are going to look into CW's shorts? I'm appalled!! Can I look too?
me to.
Now there's an idea that could be fun!!!
CW it could be your lucky day :)
CW, once a predator has you in their sights, well, ... just don't try to run. Especially not with baggy ass shorts. If they go down, you go down, then it's all over.
You know, it occurs to me, did you really buy them too big, or are you just trying to hide the fact that you "sag" from us?
CW doesn't stand a chance.
Yes, you can run CW, but you can't hide, (and probably can't run too fast either with shorts around your ankles) :)
Very good, Misty... and even funny. Now you must pay...
And I wear a belt with them... HM!
We''ll find you, wherever you end up hiding out :) :) :)
CW, don't challenge us man, your just asking for trouble.
Uh, have you read my Halloween story? You don't really think I made all that up, do you?
...On second thought, ya, go ahead and think that...
I'm not scared CW. We just want to look up your baggy shorts, that's all.
So long as what's inside isn't baggy too :)
rofl, didn't think of that misty, good point!
Def not attractive if you have to squeeze too hard to find any substance :)
Gee, and I thought I was twisted...
You haven't seen the half of it yet CW, get a group of girls together and you know what happens!!! :)
This is great for those that can't get their guys to go shopping with them. I find the cleavage one especially funny, because my fiance and I always check out women together and I also check out guys and we'll always comment to eachother about others cleavage or clothing or whatever... so that's a good one!
The lingerie one is a great one, too, because men don't mind shopping with you if you give them something to be excited about. :D
Yeah, Starr, we are simple creatures to be sure. I think the hardest thing for women to deal with about men is having to lower themselves to appease our base instincts. I think women keep hoping there's more.
I am intrigued by CWs shorts (longs?) long shorts and what is lurking there!. I am also intrigued that the fairer sex (really fairer?) who rate buns while we mere mails are boob fixated. I find very few men are bun oriented. But a good leg, now that is a sight to behold. Shorts or a short skirt and great legs! Wow!
But cleavage and short skirts in combination not so great. Perhaps a bit overdone or overrated and underdone.
Sixty, I think men can be broken down into the following categories.....
Boob men
Butt men
leg men
I do not think there are any more, I could be wrong though as I am not an expert on men. Women look at mens behinds because it's either that or their faces, and to be honest the face is where we look first.
Sixty, I'm pretty sure you don't want to know anything about whatever is lurking in CW's oversized shorts.
And Gwendy, those are general categories that are akin to television stations in the pre-80's, pre-cable days. Now viewing has become more refined. Categories like "shouders and arms," "tummy," "neck, sternum and collar bones," "feet," and all manner of niche markets as it were have arisen as man, in his lascivious scrutiny, has advanced in his visual appetites. Most of this is likely the product of more and more visual product being availabe with the loosening of fashion so to speak (snort), as at one time not to many centuries ago, there were only "ankle," "wrist," and "face" men. Imagine those poor bastards in the Middle East who only get to be "hand" or "eye" men. No wonder it's so easy for extremists to find angry 18 year old boys to recruit.
Ah well beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Yeah, Sixty, I was eye'in this hawt chick the other day, and I asked her if I can be hold'in her, and she got all pissy. So did my wife. I don't even know what's up with women these days.
I'm a "flank" woman *nods*
Yep...nothing attracts me more than a nice piece of male flank.
Yea, and those middle east guys have Ankleboy mag. under their mattress of straw. Gwendy, if guys are broken down into those three categories - boob, ass, leg - then that makes me a renaissance man, because I like the whole package (and believe it or not, things like intelligence and humor and other qualities play an important part in our tongue wagging. Well, maybe not the tongue wagging, but any kind of what you call that R word...relationship or something).
Misty: We are not a steak for your feminist grill, dining on our meat just outside your cave entrance! You brute!
well I guess I have been schooled. I did not even know that guys paid any attention to those areas. I do think that they are still the main subject of mens eyes though. I feel sorry for your wife, in some ways. If it had been me I would have kicked your ass. But maybe that is just my violent nature.
*kicks her desk*
That's it! Okay...you've all broken me. My next hub is going to be titled..."I AM NOT MISTY!!" (and why I love Misty...cuz she's the only one that hasn't called me Misty)
Christoph, you cannot know that a woman has a sense of humor, and other qualities just by walking by them at the mall. You know what you are looking at, and it is either boobs, butt, or legs. maybe a belly as they are shown so much anymore. Relationships are different, and I know that all of this plays a part in that. My sister has a bad habit of dating men based on how cute they are and as I have tolde her, He might be cute now but how cute is he going to be in 6 months when he is laying on your couch eating all your food and not getting a job, not very cute. Those things are important for us women too. I think humor is one of the biggest ones, it's hard to have a relationship with someone who can't laugh and enjoy themselves.
Oh, violence, eh, Gwendy? Very nice. I assume you have the boots to go with that attitude?
And Christoph, those other things you mentioned, don't you have to talk to them to find that stuff out? Things get complicated from there, as I understand it.
And "flank", Spryte? lol... where precisely does the "flank" begin and end. I'm trying to decide how to reckon my flanks aesthetically and strict boundaries are required to allow for a possible postive visual effect. (LOL we should all of us co-write a totally inappropriate, judgmental and superficial hub regarding how to view the opposite sex as objects, unhampered by social rules. Put up pictures like they have at a butcher shop with various "cuts" lined out and stuff. If we equally reduce both genders to meat, nobody can complain too much, and the ones that do we can reduces to ashes.) hmm....
roflmao, that would be funny. And yes I do have the boots, in black and brown.
OOOh Christoph is in trouble!!!!
and Spryte, I have never called you misty, I don't think.
Shades: I have a beach towel that has a woman dissected just so. I'll send you a snap shot if you wish.
Gwendy: Why would my wife kick my ass? You lost me there. Glad you got that off your CHEST and I'll just BUTT out and use my LEGS to get out of here!
SPRYTE: Goddammit! Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Spryte, Sprtye, Spryte, only 979 more to go...Spryte, Sprtye, Spryte...
Christoph, I meant Shades ass is the ass I would kick, not yours. I can't hit a baby. I tried to comment on this just a few secs ago and my computer might be posessed. I might have to have it exercised. scary. anyway, Btw Christoph, I seen your photo of Elvis, what a cutie.
Spryte, I seen that you have published a new hub, but I can't read it now, I don't have the time but I will read it later. I get excited when each one of you writes a new one.
*sniffles and blows her nose, maintaining an air of great offense*
Gwendy...sorry, you are guilty too, and in your own hub...
Example:
Me: LOL! Well...it's not like baby teeth where you get grown up version after it falls off or out...
gwendymom says:22 hours ago
are you sure bout that misty? I was under the impression that they do fall out or off, and then you get the adult version. maybe that's just speaks about the kind of men I have dated.
:)
Flank: It's that body part that starts just below the armpit and runs all the way down the side to the hip.
*shiver*
I just love a nice piece of flank.
Oh...and I can see the gears turning Shade.
lol, Damn it, your right. Sorry Spryte! I'll try not to do it again. I have been a bad girl.
LOL! I wouldn't have given up...but it hasn't been just you and Christoph. It's rather funny and damn...there has to be a reason for it, doesn't there? I mean, I don't mind being compared to Misty...it's a lot better than being compared to some others...and I like her lots...but damn...can anyone tell me why??? That's all I want to know is WHY? And why isn't she called spryte...hmmm?
/ridiculous rant off
:)
I don't know, I was trying to think of a good excuse and couldn't come up with one. I even thought of trying to blame it on medication, but I can't. I guess it's just a mystery.
Ok guys, I have to go. I'll be back later, have fun!!!
Spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spyte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, sprtye, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, I wish that damn cut n paste was working, spryte, spryte, sprtye, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryted spryte, sprryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, why did I have to pick such a high number?, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, sprtye, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, 948 to go, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, spryte, 940 to go, ....
LOL! Christoph...you can stop the self-flagellation. Besides, Shade will probably get annoyed with all the spryte,spryte,spryte very soon and kick us out of his hub for littering. :)
thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, tha...oh. Whew. Thanks! If I ever do it again, may I get diaper rash, become colonic, and have head lice!
:P
I wouldn't have kicked you out for that. You'll have to do a lot worse.
And yeah, Christoph I'd love to see that thing, see if my idea is too generic to bother with.
*dusts off hands*
There...the "sorta poker" story is up. I'm feeling damn prolific this weekend...
I got FIRST post on it. I win.
Yay!!! I'm off to make a lemon meringue pie for sweetie...bbl
Gwendy, you forgot "Face men." I look at that first, then the rest of the package. Call me shallow...
I'm with you CW, if a woman's got a face that could make Amtrak take a dirt road, I don't care what the body looks like, I'm on the first train out.
Bravo, and she doesn't even have to be knock-out beautiful... just interesting looking.
hmm, when you are at the strip club are you looking at faces?
Damn straight.
Shades: You'll need to send me an email address. You can't enclose photos through the hubpages contact thing. So send the address you want me to send it to in a private email (so all these gals don't get it and start emailing you incessantly) and I'll send it to that address.
Hi Gwendy!
These are good tips. My husband hates to go shopping with me. I do however povide him with ample cleavage (of my own) on a daily basis. I also do not mind if he checks other cleavage out. It is fun for both of us ;)! And enthusisam really is the key! We always end our visit to the mall with a trip to the video game store. Never in my life did I think cleavage and World of Warcraft would be the best aphrodisiac!
Jewel's sounds like your old man is a lucky, s.o.b. And, there's lots of cleavage in that game anyway, might as well set it up before hand, eh?
Gwendy, I don't go to them, to be honest, at least not since I was like 20 or 21ish. My wife can't stand the idea, for one, so there's no point pissing her off for no reason, and, tbh, I could never help wondering what had gone so wrong in their lives to bring them to having to work in such a place. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm a total perv, but something about those places is just so degrading.
I realize that some modern feminists will rail at me for being an a-hole for saying that because stripping for money in dive bars is an example of women excercising their freedom now, but, all that aside, I don't really buy it. So, yeah, I looked at their faces. (I looked a boobs and ass too, but, until I was a few beers in and didn't care how tragic their circumstance was) I had a tendency to really kind of not enjoy it much at all.
And it was Helen's face that launched a thousand ships, not her tits or ass.
Gwendy, believe it or not, I have been to very few strip clubs in my life.
Hi Guys,
Sorry I didn't check in yesterday. Had a lousy day as I had to help put my Mum's elderly greyhound to sleep at her home. Spent most of the day in a right emotional mess (Lady was very special to all of us and lived with me for two years of her life). Needless to say I didn't come near my computer at all and simply opted to drown my sorrows in copious amounts of sherry, cider and wine. Will try to get more active in a day or so. Catch up soon guys. :)
Aww. :( No worries, Misty. We'll be here when you get back.
That sucks about Lady, Misty...hang in there. We've missed ya!
Thanks Guys, still feeling rough, but have written a hub dedicated to 'Lady' and what happened, and why, if you have time to read it. Cheers.
Perhaps we should have a hub. "What really attracts me to the opposite (or same duh) sex". A no holds expose of our vicarious and not so vicarious vices. Spryte flank indeed. Thats a lot of area to cover. Or have you simply just outflanked us all? Or is that you Misty I am Mystified.
/blows whistle and throws a yellow flag on Sixty
"Unnecessary use of puns. Fifteen yard penalty. Repeat first down."
:P
And, as far as "no holds" and "flanks" go, I have to say, the way Spryte describes it, that's the exact area containing the love handles, which, technially speaking, are the "love handles" area for, uh, some of us, adn therefore no-holds is probably not exactly the right term. lol
LOL! I just love waking up to you guys...
morning sleepy heads.
Woah, Spryte, get some Scope on that morning breath first. Sheesh.
G'morning Gwendy.
:P
Gargling's for sissies...Flankenstein.
Hey Spryte and Shades, Have you guys come up with a topic for the hubmob yet? I have tried a couple of different ones and am not happy with my results, just wondering if you guys are having the same problem?
Gwendy - I actually wrote something last night...just unintentionally. My subconscious is rather sly it seems. I didn't want to write a product hub, so it said...okies, how about writing about THIS then...and I said...ooh, that sounds like fun. And then when I was done...I was like all..."HEY! You tricked me!!" And my subconscious was all smug....
I still have to edit it, but I will have it up either tonight or tomorrow night.
Lucky you. I haven't been motivated to write anything in the last week or two. I don't seem to have any inspiration. the first one I tried ended up looking like a christmas list for friends, that I might use later, and the second is about bra shopping, but I'm just not having any fun with it. Maybe I just need think harder and drink some alchohol. Waiter, where's my margarita?
LOL! Whenever I hit a brick wall...I will hit the save button on my writing and then back away from it slowly. If I force something it just comes out sounding forced. Go figure! :) What I do to recharge is play hand after hand of solitaire on my computer until my brain screams..."Okay okay you win!!!"...and then coughs out an idea that it had been hoarding.
It's all about tough love with the brain...
I guess I shouldn't drink a margarita, being that I am taking care of kids. They are down for a nap but I am sure parents wouldn't be too pleased. Guess no vodka either. Damn my luck! I guess I can try it your way and give my brain a little tough love. Maybe I can come up with something, I hope.
Mail call! Hello everybody.
Hi Christoph, how are you today?
Just groovy, gwendymom. Getting ready to do some writing, but procrastinating.
Morning babyface :) I'll be so glad to have my favorite cowboy back this evening.
He's across the Rio Grande and Galloping your way faster than a pony express rider with a pack of Apache on his hind end. Yeee Haw! Giddy Yup!
LOL! At the moment, all I can see is a diaper clad freak bouncing in the saddle on a pony, whipping it into a frenzy...and it's rather frightening.
Hey Gwendy, write a product hub about your favorite margarita mix or something.
I'm thinking I'm going to try to pimp my friend's website, since anything else I write about is just going to make someone else money that I don't know. Although, I was thinking about writing a hub on Advil as the drinker's friend or something. Still not sure.
Sup Christoph.
Shades, Thanks for the advice. I have started three now and can't bring myself to finish any of them. I am having trouble getting info on these topics and just really am not motivated. I tried Sprytes way and got my ass handed to me in bridge, now I'm juts hoping something will pop into my head, I'm almost ready fpr the margarita though. The hub on Advil as a drinkers friend would be funny.
Christoph, I will be glad to see you back to normal.
Not much is up. I'm still reworking my keywords on existing articles. It's making a small difference so far (Of course in some places I could say my traffic as quadrupled - meaning it's gone from 2 a day to 8 - Ha! Still, it's better than seeing zeros. Me hates me some zeros! As for the product hub, I know what I'm going to do but have only just barely started.
Well, you get enough of those going, you might still make a few bucks, Christoph.
And yeah, Gwendy, the potential for humor is there, but I don't know if I could sustain the joke long enough to make a hub out of it. Still thinking.
I guess my problem is I just don't hub to sell crap. I did sales for twenty some years and probably going get stuck selling again since I can't pay all my bills writing (because we live in an evil world where there is no value placed on the arts) and that makes writing hubs for the purpose of just pimping more crap for people to buy difficult to find inspiration for.
I can't wait to see which one you ultimately go with Shade.
Christoph - In your current frame of mind...I'm a little frightened by what you might produce.
Gwendy - You are telling me that the most biggest shopaholic that I know can't find a product to write about? :) Perhaps you should concentrate on all the catalogs you receive in the mail... hehehe.
Shades, I agree with you. I am having a problem pimping a certain product. I do get a lot of catalogs, and I love too many products. Guess that's why I can't decide. I think I have finally decided on one subject and I am sorry to say to you all that I will be pimping you guys out. Hope you don't mind. Sorry.
...Shade and Christoph = BOGO Free? :)
wth is "bogo" free?
And by all means you may pimp me out, just try to keep the client list limited to hawt chicks. No dudes allowed.
Shades, bogo is buy one get one. I will try, but I can't make any promises.
Oh, thanks. See, only shopper people would know that. And, well, Christoph has to be the free one because I do have my pride.
'Course, what "bogo free" really means is that we're both just half off.
/tosses a softball out there
Ok, back to work for me.
Hmmm. Half off. That reminds that once a friend of mine and myself were sick of having problems with chicks, so we were just going to "buy" one from the Phillipines. We couldn't each afford our own, so we were going to go in "halvsies".
Hey Gwendy...wanna go halvsies on a hot Swedish male masseuse? :)
YaaAH. They don't caAL me Sven fOR nothING!
YAh, and they don't caAL me Tvelve foR NoTHING EEther.
OMG! Thanks a lot you two! The boss just ran in thinking he was going to have to give me the Heimlich maneuver as I started choking on a lifesaver from laughing.
I must be a man 'cause I HATE shopping. I'd rather stay home and clean the oven, or have bamboo shoved under my fingernails. Ugh! Unfortunately, none of your suggestions really seem like they'd work for me. So I guess that means I'm only partly male.
I like the whole mail order thing....get what I need or want without leaving the house. Hey, Spryte and Gwendy, you willing to rent out that Swedish male masseuse?
Another great article, Shadesbreath!
WeeE give the hinEY lick maneUVer tOO.
ShirLIE ANderSON: TwO"S comPANY, thrEES A parTY.
Wow Shirley...I'm not a big fan of shopping either...but I might have to reconsider doing it if cleaning an oven or bamboo torture are the only other choices. *wince*
You definitely need some Swedish relief...so of course Gwendy and I will be very happy to share...uh Sven and Tvelve. LOL!
I'm in favor of these ideas. You can't beat ice cream and cleavage. Unless, of course, you combine them. Then again, you could get arrested for that.
Shirley, you definately aren't a man because no man ever uttered the words "clean my oven" much less had an impulse to do so. So, you're femininity is safe.
And BT, some things are worth being arrested for.
I missed out on the fun again. I have really bad timing lately. Shirley, I might share, but as I said before I am pimping them out so it will cost you.
chrIStoPh, yOu TypE fuNnY
It's okay Spryte, self cleaning ovens make it not too bad. Re the bamboo torture, I'm okay with switching it up to sticking a hot poker in my eye, if that's any better.
Sprtye and Gwen - THANK-YOU for the svelt Svedish guy(s). I have been a little tense lately. As Gwen's looking to make a few bucks, I'm hoping for a hubber's discount. AdSense doesn't pay a lot, you know. When might I expect him (them)?
Wait! I just scrolled up and found Sven & Tvelve....cancel my order, I'm going direct.
Thanks for the affirmation of my femininity, Shades!
Shirley, you do get the hubbers discount, and you can also have a frequent user card and for tenth time you use them you get a use free. I will send them out. You don't want Sven and Tvelve, Look how sexy Christoph is again, and how can you resist that big brain shades has going on?
Wow Gwen, a frequent flyer card! That's great, I'm excited! Does it have to be ten separate orders, or ten uses?? I mean, like, if I use them ten times on one order, does that count? You said uses, right up there ^ see? I could get a freebie with every order that way. Make my um, entertainment dollar, stretch a little farther.
So, how do you ship them? In a big box with holes so they can breathe? I don't think Chris' hat or Shades brain will fit.
See, now this is shopping!
Cool...can we stop and get one of them buttery, salted really bad for you pretzels and maybe an Orange Julius?
I feel like an object, it's just so degrading. I don't see how people can live like this every day.
Oh, wait, no I don't. :P
And yeah, I'm glad to have that damn baby gone. Welcome back Christoph Really. :)
Shirley, I think I can pack them in a big box, and I guess I better pokes some holes in the box, you know protecting my investment and all. And if you think you can get ten uses out of them in one go then have it.
an orange julius and pretzel sounds great Spryte.
Keep dreaming on ten uses.
Speaking of uses, I wonder if I can get my wife bust out with one use.
Gwendy...can I poke the holes in the box AFTER we put them in it? *evil grin*
I got me a fireplace poker here that should do the trick...and if you give me free rein to do so, I shall apply it with great fervor!
Ok Spryte, we got to keep those man whores in line. I think a little tough love will help to keep them under control.
/grins at Spryte's excellent spelling skills.
*slowly takes away Gwendy's margarita*
I can see it's dangerous to leave you home alone for the night...
/slowly slides Gwendy a new margarita
LOL, when I am on this medication I really don't need a margarita, It's like a frickin roofie, just ask my husband. LOL Thanks Shades for the new margarita. You know that song Tequila makes her clothes fall off, I think that song was written about me.
*glares at Shadesbreath*
Well then...I guess it's time for the ol' chastity belt!
Damn, I bet your old man keeps a case of tequila on hand and one in the garage in case of an unexpected national quarantine.
(HP needs a frickin chat room. This hub hopping is insane.)
Hmmm..we could always create a forum...or a hub that we can keep in the top 100 called something like mental regurgitation.
No actually, because it doesn't matter, he sees me naked all the time. I am not shy in front of him, He has probaly seen parts of my body that I am sure I haven't seen. He's probably tired of seeing it.
Marriage does have a certain sensual tragedy thing going on like that in some ways. At least in moments.
Anyway, I'm off to bed for real this time. G'night people.
Goodnight Shades, sweet dreams!!!
Well, I NEVER...got my personal invitation. Can I expect it soon. And, to Shades, I have said, "clean my oven" many times, only like this, "Clean my oven, be-atch!
I went ahead and published it Christoph, hope it goes over well, I am off to bed. and we will discuss that invitation, later.
I think I'm gonna call it a night as well...*yawn*...
My bed is calling me. :)
Good night, all.
ahmmm I'm thinking after readin this maybe I don't want to shop with him after all, he takes his cell and I take mine and we meet in the middle, quite happy with our outing, no one has to nag and he can oogle to his heart's content as long as I don't see it. LOL you are a nut!!
perfect for the ladies out there, they'll sure love this. :) and for us, gentlemen
Yeah, Christoph, how'd that work out for you? lol
Marisue, come on now, you know you want to try out my fun reindeer games come Christmas time. :P And yes, I may have a nutty gene or two; I come from a long line of nuts.
Yeah, Gary, it seems to be hit or miss on the ladies loving it, but it's seriously solid stuff for us guys.
Ah Ha! Found this thread but I am two days late! I feel like Idiana Jones on the last crusade aways arriving after the cavalry has left!
Oh well got my two bits in if this thread kicks in again.
Better late than never, Sixty.
Should your comment not be on the useless sayings hub Shades?
Gotcha!
Hah, you did. Yeah, I should have put that there. Guess I still can, you know, because... better late than never. :P
Very entertaining hub and the part about the cleavage patrol is true. There was a guy waiting for his girlfriend, right out side of her dressing room door at Victoria Secrets. He seemed really close and interesting in shopping right then LOL. Personally I like to go shopping by myself because it gives me time to look at what I want to look at without someone saying "Are you ready"?
This hub is definately entertaining. I couldn't help but laugh. Great Hub.
SwP, I think that's generally the consensus. It's best to leave your man at home. Frankly, we are too immature and lack the attention span for a "proper" shopping trip. Be, like that guy you saw, we do light up in certain departments.
Trekkiemelissa, I'm glad you got a laugh out of these antics, and thanks for letting me know. :)
Iam not married yet,but i will try it with my man dream to avoid boring him.thanks for this nice hub
You're welcome. Hope it helps when you find him. Good luck on that too, btw. :)
SB- I really like this hub and mentioned this article here: http://hubpages.com/hub/10-ways-to-become-extremel
Required reading material for the girly, going to pass it along. Thanks!
Hope it pays off. lol
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mistyhorizon2003 Level 7 Commenter 3 years ago
Excellent, I will try this on my man next time I drag him out shopping. Last time he wasn't impressed as he got told off by some weird shopper in the changing rooms for bringing me in different sized clothes to try on. She got stroppy because she said he shouldn't be in there (even though they were cubicles). Even the shop assistant said men do that for their partners all the time, but this woman was having none of it :)