Fiber One Bars: Gastrointestinal Health Gone Horribly Wrong
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I want to talk to you about the most insidious product ever made by man. It’s called a Fiber One Bar. It’s a product that comes in several flavors, all of which are totally delicious, and it’s actually healthy too. OR AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT THEY TELL YOU. It turns out that “healthy” can be relative. Which is why I'm now going to tell you a little story, after which you can let me know if you think this sounds "healthy" or not:
Some time back—I needed distance from this story before I could tell it—I found some delicious candy bars in a box my dear wife handed me to take to work during one of my destined-to-fail dietary phases. I only glanced briefly at the product packaging, the picture really, and saw that it was some sort of honey-glazed oaty thing with drizzles of caramel on top. Now, I happen to be the world’s singularly biggest caramel fan. So, since I would probably eat dog shit if it had enough caramel on it, it should come as no shock to you that I was more than happy to indulge in a couple of oaty honey caramel candy bar things. So I did. I ate two of them. They were fantastic. Props to General Mills for making something so delicious.
However, they will burn in hell for what they did to my body.
First off, how about a warning on that crap? How about a big red sign that says, “DUDE, DON’T EAT TWO OF THESE THINGS OR YOU WILL FUCKING EXPLODE!!!!” And I really think they need all four of those exclamation points and the profanity. I’m serious. That is a natural disaster waiting to happen. You know how scientists say that the caldera bubbling up under the Midwest of the U.S. is going to blow up and kill millions of people, maybe even billions? Well so will eating two Fiber One Bars, especially if your normal fiber intake is like – 400% of the recommended daily amount and has been for, say, ever.
So here’s what happened. Me, caramel loving dumbass that I am, ate my two Fiber One bars happily and then, a short while later, headed off to a class. (For those of you who don’t know me, I take graduate classes at night.) So, off I went, ready to dazzle my peers with my insights and philosophical whatever gleaned from whatever it was we had read that week. Yeah. Off I went.
Turns out there was a test that evening. A long one, one of those blue book tests that’s all essay answers. You know, the kind where everyone in the entire room is absolutely silent, heads down, writing away in unison, the only sound the muffled scrape of graphite on paper lightly amplified by a wooden desk. You can hear every sniffle anyone makes. Every gasp or irritated guffaw upon discovery of a mistake or a question for which some student has no clue. And you can damn sure hear every last goddamn rumble of my fat ass passing 6,000 PSI of methane through the twists and turns of my gastrointestinal tract. I didn’t know what the hell that was, but those bubbles were rocketing through my tubes faster than all that shit blowing out of BP’s ruptured oil well in the Gulf ever did. The big difference was, I had to keep the cap on, if you know what I mean. I couldn’t let anything get out. Apparently I had more respect for the environmental concerns of my peers than BP does for the Lousiana coastline, if you get what I’m saying. Not to mention my dignity. So no, uh, nothing could escape. And, since I was in the middle of a test and couldn’t leave or it would look like I was going out to check my notes or something, and since my rotundity gives my abdomen the acoustical qualities of a cello, everyone in that damn class heard everything. RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE, went the bubbles, rattling around the corners of my gut tracts like bobsledders on the brink of losing it at every turn. RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE they went again after hitting the clenched, shall we say, back door valve, and then running back up the track. That gas pack was like a horde of evil fat kids shooting sleds down a hill at breakneck speeds, only to run back up and go again. Over and over in a macabre gastrointestinal nightmare. It was awful. And every f-ing face in that room was looking right at me.
How could I hide it? How do you hide the sound of a thousand elephants tap-dancing on a giant wooden stage? It’s not like I could look around at the people next to me and give them one of those wide-eyed “Dude, what the hell did you have for lunch?” expressions as if it was them making all that noise. You know, one of those moves that would throw the rest of the room off my trail. I couldn’t. Trust me, I tried, and nobody was buying it.
So I looked back at my blue book and tried to fathom what I would say to the question, tried to just suck it up and finish my test. I was an ace student, never missed anything, discipline my strength. 4.0 GPA. The master. Focus.
I had nothing. Couldn’t think of a thing. I felt like this was my first day in the class and I’d never read any of the books. All I could think of was the sensation of the methane kids jamming up at the top of the hill, getting ready to rocket through my pipes again, screaming all the way, drawing attention to my bloated shame. I think I drew pictures on the pages for a while. Pictures of hot air balloons and cannons going off. I wanted to bury my head in my desk, just slam my face right through the top. It would have felt good.
The teacher finally looked up at me, she being only a few feet away, and said, “Are you okay?”
Well, that brought some snickers from across the room. Two douchebags in slacker cloth and piercings just couldn’t hold it in. So they snickered. And not the candy bar kind. The laughter kind. The kind that turns two laughing douchebags into four. And then eight, and so on.
Ho ho, hah hah, Shadesbreath has gas and is probably going to die.
I got an A-minus on that test. The only A-minus I’d ever gotten. An F-ing A-minus. Did you know that if you drop the “mi” from A-minus you just have A-nus. There’s a shocking coincidence don’t you think?
So anyway, I guess my point is, never, ever, no matter how healthy you think you want to be, or no matter how much you love caramel, NEVER eat two Fiber One Bars unless you want to die… of shame.
If I were a caldera, I would have blown myself up just to take out those two douchebags.
Needless to say, I did not die. I wanted to, but I did not. I did wish, as I slipped into bed that night, for some sort of restitution from my wife, the one who tried to kill me with those oaty bars. I’m not proud of it, but I confess to having nodded off to sleep with visions of the gastronomic blast that would send her flying across the room to crash into the doors of the cabinets opposite her side of the bed, flung there violently by the mighty release of the pressure she had caused. I could imagine her sort of slumpy, lying in the heap of wrecked wood and shattered glass, shaking the splinters from her hair and blinking a sleepy, “What the F---?” at me. To which I could mumble, “I feel much healthier. Thanks for thinking of me today," between snores. That would teach her.
However, if you do happen to be in the market for a fiber bar, I can tell you with absolute and total authority that Fiber One Bars work famously. Have one.
Other recent writing from Shadesbreath.
- Why Women Like Cats
A fun yet factual look at why women like cats, the incontrovertible evidence documented and illustrated with scientific accuracy on a level only possible because the article is written by a guy. - 3 weeks ago
- Shadesbreath Joins the Gym and Learns How God Hates Him
A hilarious look at why going to the gym sucks, viewed through the lens of truth and audaciously illustrated. - 2 months ago
Like to read? Check out my new novel: The Galactic Mage
Fibrous Links
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If you laughed and perhaps find humor humorous, then hop on over to my website and bookmark that bad boy. The blog will amuse you, plus, you can see what's up in the world of writing, and maybe even find a book or short story you like. Come on over! - My Facebook Page
Come hang out on Facebook with me. Keep up with the latest sarcasm, satire and ranting diatribe. It's fun. Really. - Fiber One Oats and Chocolate Bar Review
I wish I'd read the first comment that follows this. LOL. - Fiber One Bars make me Fart - Please God No
Turns out I'm not the only one either. This is short and it's pretty funny.
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Yeah, do that. Grab a couple before class. Totally worth it.
Watch it, Shadesbreath. Fiber One may make you their spokesman and then you will really be, pardon the vernacular, in deep doo-doo.
Funny, funny hub.
At least I would be honest. Right now they have that really kind seeming, friendly store manager guy who is all nice and sweet and stuff. He should at least have a chainsaw strapped to his back, wear some rubber gloves and maybe a bandolier filled with hand grenades and sticks of TNT. I'm not buying the sweater vest anymore.
I thought those bars looked too good to be true!
Freaking hilarious! Even the tags on this one are funny! OMG. I'm pretty pissed off at Fiber One bars but mostly because I do NOT think they are delicious, I think they are imposters, and I've never made it through one. Being a thirty year old toddler, I ditch them for actual candy, and I'm happy about it. This is one very funny piece, though. Great writing.
Amazing experience, brilliantly recounted-- and especially nicely augmented by your page ads.
On the other hand I have found toast made from double fiber bread, to be quite fulfilling (no caramel involved).
I think you have the makings of a lawsuit, or at least a new suit of clothes.
Austinstar, they are good. I want to make sure everyone understands, they are completely delicious. It's just that they are evil gut explosives meant to humiliate you into weight loss through stress rather than some sort of dietary advantage thing.
Ahostagesituation: have you tried the carmel ones? I'm not saying you'll like them, and frankly, you'd be better off pouring butterscotch over an M-80 and eating that, but, if you want to get through one, you should at least try the carmel one as a point of curiosity. I suggest you have your significant other spend the night at a friend's house, but, well, I digress. Thanks for the fine compliment, I really do appreciate that, all humor aside.
Rochelle, I am really, really counting on not just the Amazon but the adsense to add to this piece in time. I'm working out some ideas for how to make ads the core of the comedy, but it's harder than I thought. I'll get there though. It would be better if I had more control over where they went and how big they were. I could have so much fun. The Gay Proposal hub has been the most rewarding so far in that regard, but, well, it is what it is. As for the lawsuit, I agree, I think I do have grounds to get at least a new pair of pants, but that's more detail than this story requires. I think the oil spill video does a nice job of it if you watch it all the way through. (Not really, but it's funny if you watch it with that in mind.)
A fabulous tale (or is it tail?) I cracked up (huh, huh, I said crack) at your showing the word anus made from an A minus. Very funny, I'll stick with my metamusal.
Masterfully expained ordeal, you sure have a way with words Shadesbreath... no doubt about that. I haven't stopped laughing yet... way toooooooo funny and your art is awesome too.
another thumbs up that's for sure
kindest regards Zsuzsy
That's classic. I did hear of a guy dying from the stink of his own fart - whether it's true or not, who knows. I was waiting for you to say you crapped your pants in class!
Are you sure it was the fiber one bars and not the 8 beef and bean burritos you ate for lunch. Of course I had a similar gastro-intestinal experience from a 44 oz purple slusky thing from Sonic. I spent 20 minutes in a construction site porta-potty in July. It is fun to sweat your ass off as you shit your brains out.
Great drawings too!!
You kill me. Especially:
Did you know that if you drop the “mi” from A-minus you just have A-nus?
Word to the wise: Stay away from Activia, even if their spokesperson is Jamie Lee Curtis.
L.T.
What's up Reilly, always a joy to see you lurking around the HP corridors. Did you ever see that movie Real Genius? (Probably the best performance of Val Kilmer's career, although he was awesome as the Saint and as Madmardigan in Willow too.) Anyway, there was character named Lazlo who came out of the walls. That's you. A secreted alumnus genius thingy. Rumor has it you wrote a hub, so I'mma go see. :)
Zsuzsy Bee, thanks, and I'm glad you were laughing. Gas jokes can really go bad, so I'm happy to see this one didn't stink. :D (like this one right here does lol). And I'm glad you like the artwork. I was laughing my ass off the whole time I was drawing the one of my wife. I even sent it to her at work when I was done. Might make it my desktop on my Blackberry for a while just so I can flash it at her as a threat sometimes. :D
Bailebear, you know, the pants crapping thing is funny, because in a way, by implication, that's what the BP oil spill video suggests, which is why I put that one in rather than the other one I had up there. If you watch that video from a gas to crap in pants perspective, it's hilarious! I admit it takes a certain amount of immaturity, but I managed, so I'm sure you can if you try.
U.J. I can't imagine a more horrific fecal experience than what you just described. I bet it was all echoing out of their too. Talk about being inside a cello. Bleh, that' sounds awful. (I wonder why a slushy would do that though?)
Pcunix, thanks. They were fun. The one of my wife and the elephants are my favs.
Ltfawkes, Jamie Lee Curtis is a lovely woman, and despite me being a typical horndog guy like most, even I could not be lured to that frightening product by her pretty face. No way. I don't need any extra bacteria, and I am committed to getting my grains and cereals in bottles of Coors Light. I learned my lesson.
I see ahostagesituation beat me to the tags, but that's okay. 'mommy that man is scaring me' is quite droll.
I'm also a caramel junkie, Shades, but if my husband comes near me with one of those bars I'll simply have to leave him. Or maybe he's self-destructive. Who knows?
I think BP ought to take responsibility for your outbursts. Aren't they doing a nice job in the gulf?
Hi Lorlie, I'm glad you spotted those. I do amuse myself with tags sometimes. I really, really, really wish HP would fix it so I could control the order though. I keep harping on that, but I could do a lot more with them if I could order them. Sort of like a Haiku. And you'll do well to to leave him if he tries that fiber bar crap with you. Or at the very least slap the crap out of him. It would certainly be justified. (And don't get me started on BP...sigh)
Love your humor and the cartoons are hilarious! Love the one of your wife getting blown across the room! LOL!
Hi Judydianne, thanks for saying so, and I'm with you on that one. Fortunately, she thinks it's funny too, so I'm safe. LOL.
Shades, I think it was the fact that I was dehydrated to begin with and the super high sugar content of the purple drink was too much for my system. Or it could have been the blue cheese and steak pizza (OMG it was so good) from the night before, but that should have affected me earlier in the day rather than early afternoon.
My very favorite is, of course, dropping the "mi" from A minus. The BP video was perfect. Only after the comments did I check out the tags. I'll start paying atttention to those.
Have you seen National Lampoon's "Van Wilder" Do you remember the scene where a student takes an exam after a chick has given him a milkshake and, before he can get to the men's room, he is pulled aside for an interview?
Hilarious, as is this hub!
U.J., while the bulk (or lack thereof) of this conversation is unsavory, I have to tell you, I have NEVER heard of a blue cheese and steak pizza and that absolutely does sound totaly epic. I must seek one locally.
Hi Mysterlady! I'm glad you watched the video. I figured most wouldn't, but even the image on it works. But it IS funny in context if you are immature enough as I am, and clearly you are too. :D And no, I never saw that movie. I heard it was hilarious, but I figured it was just Animal House modernized. Maybe I do need to watch it if someone of your qualities recommends it. It goes back on the list!
The movie is a silly college flick, but after this hub, you absolutely MUST see it, or at least that one part.
I never want to grow up!
Me either. I love silly college flicks, they always have boobies in them. Boobies + fart jokes = WIN!
Absolutely binding...err...I mean spellbinding story, Shades! I was on the edge of my seat!
You really should add an Amazon capsule to capitalize on this product review. I just checked, and they sell Fiber One bars by the case. Although, anyone buying these things in bulk is probably involved in terrorist activities and should probably be on some kind of watch list.
Funny and Useful!!
Actually, I have one at the end, B.T. I'm hoping that since writing comedy doesn't pay well, perhaps at least writing about fiber bars will. I anticipate great sales volume from the body of consumers who enjoy explosive gas and actively search onlie for ways to bloat themselves.
LillyGrillzit, I'm glad to know you found it so, thank you for telling me. You wouldn't happen to be one of those people I was just talking to BT about, would you? Is that the "useful" you mean? (j/k) : )
Shades, I did a quick search of pizza places in your area and no luck, but if you are ever in Pensacola, FL, go to Hopjacks Pizza Kitchen and Taproom. along with the 36 beers on tap they have killer pizzas including the Black and Blue: "Seared filet mingon, maytag blue cheese, red and yellow onions and fresh cracked pepper. Please refrain from body slamming your fellow diners for the last slice" Direct quote from the menu. of course it is $24 for a 16" pizza, but worth it.
Point well taken... Perhaps in these "dismal" times we should toss a couple of the "energy bars" into the gas tank and light the exhaust pipe! Entertaining, and well said!
Remember what farts are - little particles of poo floating up your nose - change floating to blasting in your case. The BP video fitted well and very clever for coming up with the A- anus.
Better buy your wife a gas mask if you decide to indulge again, or it could be grounds for divorce!
U.J. I'mma see if I can convince my wife to make me one. :)
Dallas, I'm afraid you might blow your car up to be honest. I'm pretty sure Fiber One Bars are too volatile for combustion chamber of most automobiles, especially aluminum blocks. Probably better off with jet or rocket fuel until they improve automotive technology.
Bailey, when she got back from surgery that's exactly what she told me. :D And it's funny you should say that about farts. That's what I used to tell my children so they wouldn't let one rip in the car. Funny thing about kids is, my daughter was suitably disgusted but my boys only wanted to fart more after hearing that. Sort of proves the whole sugar and spice vs. snakes and snails thing.
Another bastion of greatness bites the dust. There I was thinking that if everything went to pieces for the male of the species, at the very end, there was hope that the Colossus of manhood named Shadesbreath would see us through! I thought of you searing the eyeballs of any female of the species who dared to speak to you of the latest fashion, her girlfriends or her favourite celebrities, with a simple glance and watch her pitilessly wilt like a snail with a bucketful of salt dumped on its back before your fearless gaze.
And what do I find? Your wife gives you a bar of candy and in five minutes you are jumping through hoops and sitting up for lumps of sugar. Does the wife let you out of the basket at night to join her in bed?
Oh, the shame, the shame!
Joking aside, are you now what is called an anal retentive?
And I have a simple question. Since the teacher showed signs of being sympathetic, why did your not grovel a little to be allowed to go to the loo where you could express yourself freely?
So many questions, so little answers! :-))))))
De Greek, superman had kryptonite, Samson needed his hair, Pinocchio's nose grew long when he lied. All the great figures of masculinity had a weakness. Caramel is mine. What can I say?
Joking aside, and since the teacher did show signs of sympathy... well, yes, had my mind been properly aligned, I might have thought to say, "Yes, I'm fine, but I'd like to be excused for a moment." I am certain, however, that the two douchebags would have gone into literal fits and spasms of hilarity, fully falling on the floor and flopping about like fish, which would have galled me beyond reckoning. In addition, my mind was so rattled by my discomfiture and my, uh, discomfiture that I didn't think of it. I was in that sort of "head down and march through it" perseverance mode. All mule like determination, not much cognitive process left. (sigh). I survived it and so did the douchebags, that must be the measure of my triumph.
I just discovered it's possible to empathize while laughing one's A$$ off!
Yes, that's an interesting paradox, isnt' it? LOL. :)
Hilarious! And funny and clever tags, too--I didn't know you could make entire phrases into tags! Wheee!
As for the bars...eh..not crazy about them, so I don't reckon as how I'm in any immediate danger, as they might say down east.
THanks for noticing my tags, DzyMsLizzy. I frequently amuse myself with them and, well, the fun remains mine alone. I keep waiting to get dinged by Google or HP for "tags not being relevant to the topic" but, so far, so good. :D (Immaturity is so much fun). As for the rest, well, be happy you don't need them. I don't either, and, frankly, that was a real lesson in why health food is bad for you if you aren't jacked up somehow. As long as I'm healthy, I'm sticking to beer and fast food.
SB, I am so proud--an A- "under pressure" as it were. I'm sure your wife was merely jealous of your perfect A's and was simply leveling the playing field while keeping you healthy. Frankly she did deserve the cabinet landing but I totally understand and sympathize. I will have to confess that I will never think of Old Faithful in the same way again and I will be sure to bring a goodly supply of Fiber One bars when I visit Yellowstone to keep in practice for the big one.
Love the drawings which are evidence of a sick but extremely funny mind which I am embarrassed to admit is frighteningly similar to my own. I will not admit in the presence of such HP legends that I have similar cartoon videos playing in my head at inappropriate venues such as funerals and dropped platters of lasagna. I do, however, have a recipe for a home version of the health bar using flaxseed, popcorn husks, raisin bran and maltitol in case you run out of your stash. =:)
LOL @ "under pressure." Yeah, totally. But you know, I hadn't thought of that jealousy thing. Maybe she did want to take me down an academic peg or two, probably tired of me coming home bombastic and blowhardy. Just never occurred to me. I'm glad you pointed that out.
Glad to know I've given you the means of having more fun at national parks, and when you are Yellowstone, I fully expect you to pit your Fiber One powers tete-a-tete, mouth to anu...er mouth as it were, and see if you have the force to keep the geyser from moving you off your seat. There's a YouTube video for the ages. "Man defeats force of nature with fiber bar!" Yep, good stuff.
(Your health bar sound horrible. That's actually a weapon not a health food. You better hope the DHS doesn't catch you posting recipes like that.)
I have had those Fiber One bars- freaking good stuff!! I went easier on them than you but after one week of one a day I was getting the effects- so no more of that. They will stay out of my house,along with double stuff oreos, due to being too good to stop eating. Entertaining hub!!
Oh, double stuff Oreos are AWESOME! I've never had an Oreo try to kill me like the Fiber One bars did, and I can do half a package of those double-stuffed delights! (And, yeah, "getting the effects" is, well, just yeah.) lol
The fiber one bars are delicious. However, you are right, under no circumstances eat more than one at a time. You and everyone around you will pay. Loved your story and your sketches.
They are a controlled substance that has not been controlled yet, that's what they are, KoffeKlatch Gals. You are quite right about no circumstances for two. Unless maybe you believe that torture is okay, in which case you could feed them to enemy prisoners to get confessions, but I think that's against laws of man and God, so maybe a bad idea. Thanks for the comment :)
Fiber bars are instant death but Oreos are a slow sinful death. Once I had the Double Stuff, I wondered how I ever ate the regular ones before. Worse stuff ever is sugar free candy -that is like suicide!! I'm not even tempted by it, took only one time!! I'd rather go through labor again than eat sugar free candy.
Loved it. Not that I have ever experienced anything like it at all, being English I don't fart. OK, ok I can't keep a straight face while I'm saying that. Have you tried lentil soup? That always clears my pipes.
Izettl: lol @ going thru labor again as opposed to that candy. THat had to be some seriously bad candy. Sheesh.
Cally2: I've actually been tempted to try lentil soup because it sounds excellent, but I have been too nervous to try it. I wonder if dropping a potato in the pot would work like it does for chili. Thanks for the comment, btw. :)
I was intrigued by what you had to say under the “What Have You Lost Using Hub Pages”. I really liked what you had to say there- then I came across this… hysterical! An amusing topic that because it was written so extremely well that I felt as if I were watching this event occur rather than reading it. Granted, there were a few moments I wish I hadn’t been able to visualize so vividly due to your impressive writing, but I think that is the sign of a really spectacular writer. Still laughing and I really enjoyed your story! Thank you for sharing.
Well, then it seems that forum post was Serendipitous for us both. :D
Serendipitous indeed! :) Life is a tapestry of exquisite moments put together to create a sublime destiny of fate…
A lovely sentiment. :)
Although, I keep waiting for my sublime destiny to come with cash.
Hilarious Shades. I love caramel too but we don't have Fiber One in Australia. That's a good thing I think. Love your (f)art and your story, the humour really comes through.
Be glad you don't have them in Australia, MPG. Trust me, you don't want that kind of pressure. Imagine if some wild animal out there got hold of a box of them and went crazy from the pain. The death toll could be horrible.
Ohh imagine the Tazzie Devil from the Bugs Bunny series eating them, that would be hilarious to watch.
The propulsion would just spin him out into space wouldn't it?
There's a sugar free ice cream with sorbitol I should warn you about before your next class.....I found out the hard way....in the checkout line of an exclusive QUIET little shop.........
Haha, well, then you know my misery, Bayoulady. I'll put Sorbitol on my list of DO NOT CONSUME. Thanks.
I needed a good laugh today, and you supplied it, hook, line, and stinker. Not only that but fiber one bars sound almost as cleansing as that pysllium you can buy at the health food store that makes you choke if you don't dillute it. Thanks for sharing!
I'm happy that my near-demise amused you. :)
Maybe this is why I have never been able to eat a whole one of those things...somebody was watching my er' backside. What makes this so funny is that we have all had those moments (maybe not quite so 'tense') congratulations for having the intestinal fortitude to publishing your experience. Exit me, still laughing.
Thanks, Raisingme. This kind of thing is funny because of its universality. On one hand the human body is this amazing almost miracle of a biological machine, and on the other hand, it is the most horribly designed piece of crap ever made. lol.
LOl, hehe, graduate school, are you taking social sciences? Good luck and thanks for the laugh.
If I am your teacher I could have whispered in your ears, Go and I will just pass you, hehehe.
Maita
Hi PDH. You would have made a much better professor, I assure you. And, that's a negative on the social sciences. An M.A. in English. With that and a dollar I'll be able to buy coffee at McDonalds. :)
Too funny because I've lived it, and yes, the little bastards are scrumptiously always beckoning me to the snack cabinet.
It is funny, but I have to tell you, that box is still in my drawer and they don't beckon me at all. LOL. I look at them when I open that drawer and keep wondering when I'm going to throw them out. (sigh). I'm afraid of them now. lol.
How can you think of Val Kilmer and not at least pay homage to his Doc Holiday in Tombstone? Hell, even when he coughed up goo and blood, he was still hot!
I was going to ask you what you meant by "the candy bar kind" because I couldn't figure out what kind of laugh that would be...but then I realize you were referring to a Snickers bar...which oddly enough, or maybe not, has caramel too....but I digress...
I just bought a box of those Kashi bars today. My sister says they are healthy and will fill me up...but I fell for the chocolate and flaky coconut (Almond Joy fan). Even though they aren't the Fiber One bars...I'm going to take your advice anyway.
Hysterical piece that nearly caused me to blow coffee out my nose. A true sign of a master at work! :)
Actually, I think in the Masterwork Handbook, it does require actually coffee blowage to count as a master work, but at least I'm getting close.
As for old Val, well, he's hopefully going to make his big comeback someday. I want to see him commit again like he used to. Nobody was as awesome as him.
Good luck with the Kashi bars. Maybe you can write your experience out and we can compare notes. LOL
Well done, Shadesbreath!
I voted this hub up for funny and awesome. You are like the combination Jerry Seinfeld/Jon Stewart of HubPages (I hope you like those two comedians, I mean the reference as a compliment).
And the sketches that accompanied this hub, you did them? They're very good.
P.S. I would try to say something witty in reference to the topic itself, but glancing through the comments I can see I have already been beaten to the punch. Besides, what else could any of us say on this topic that hasn't already been said much more effectively by the master? (Psst! That's you, Shadesbreath. The Master of Chuckles!)
See you around.
Hah, thanks Wingedcentaur. I do loke both those guys, so that's a very high compliment, indeed! I'm glad you like my bloated humor and silly drawings, and you're quite right that the comments seem to have managed most possible gas and fart references possible amongst them. Although, I suppose there is always some new angle on gassy humor, which is why butt jokes and potty humor have not died out yet after what has to be at least 60,000 years. :D
I have found the most delicious candy ever, NOT a fiber bar. Have you tried Ghirardelli Chocolate Squares? There is one that is milk chocolate with a caramel filling! Yummy!
That does sound good. I think I always pass those by because somehow I got it in my head that Ghirardelli is dark chocolate, of which I am not a fan. It pisses my wife and daughter off because whenever they make chocolate chip cookies I'm always trying to get them to leave out the chocolate chips, or at least to only put like 1/4 the called for amount. If left up to them, they would have 1/4 the amount of cookie and just serve up a melty blob of dark chocolate goo with some crumbs in it. I'll have to keep my eye out for those (like I need another thing to buy... it's hard enough to walk by Almond Roca in that section of the store).
Much Ghirardelli is dark chocolate, but not these. Look for gold wrappers. Make sure they say milk chocolate with caramel. If you shop at Sam's Club, you might be able to find a big bag of the squares reasonably priced. I love your description of the cookies!
Wow I'm so follwing you after this! that was histerical! I was laughing so hard my family just looked at me like I belonged in an asylum, but dear God that was worth it!
Shadesbreath,just another example of how one man's meat is another man's poison. Watch out for any packaged food that claims to be "healthy"! There's also an innocent looking yogurt out on the market that has about the same effect.
Morgan, that's music to the ears of a humorist, so, thanks. It is my goal to make the families of my readers wonder about their kin like that. :)
Howdy, Aya, nice to see you here. I'm totally in agreement with you about being wary of "healthy" foods. In fact, I think someone (or two) mentioned that innocent yogurt in a comment above. Which is scary because I like yogurt and I can see myself getting lured into another horrendous experience innocently assuming that I've found another tasty treat. (sigh).
Hysterical! Your revenge is not sweet by the way. LOL I loved every word of it and have decided to up my fiber. Thanks for the most humorous thing I read today.
Shadesbreath, this is very fine work indeed. I hope those evil little fat kids reeking havoc in your intestines were banished, and passed without doing too much incendiary damage to your family or home.
Hiya SteveoMc, I'm glad I could provide a humorous read for you. As for upping your fiber, well, don't do it. That's all I can say. It's not worth it. If you do, at least stay home and spare yourself some awkwardness.
Lightning John - yes, they were banished, they all did detention and were sent home where their parents made them do math homework, then dishes, before being sent to bed without dessert. The damage to my home has all been repaired and my wife is out of the neck brace now. :D
Hey Shadesbreath, sorry to hear about your dilemma, I'm sure your wife didn't do it intentionally, but then again, who knows. LOL! Thank you for the laugh. I know the feeling, kinda sorta, because there were a couple of time in school where I was caught off guard with a test, but had chosen to eat a nice healthy breakfast before I went to school. However, I didn't get the shame aspect you felt, but I know the bodily frustration you went through and I know it wouldn't have been any fun. But, reading your story was obviously funny. Thank you for sharing. :)
You might be right, Cags, she might not have done it on purpose. But I'm definitely watching what she feeds more carefully, just in case. You can never be too sure with women.
I actually like the feeling of those little anus bubbles - as long as they make no noise! I could tell you a few stories relating to gas combined with first dates and riding in a car to the dance in a taffeta dress - I could tell you about meeting the man of my dreams one afternoon at a barbecue and cutting a nice juicy one just as he was asking me for my phone number! I could tell you, but I won't cuz, your story is best of all and I could never compete! I will have a couple fiber ones next time I need to do a nice cleaning of the colon thing - yes?
First off, Mega1, you get credit for having the BEST opening line to a comment on a hub of all time. "I actually like the feeling of those little anus bubbles" should be a T-shirt or something. I had to wait for the laughter to stop before I kept reading. SO, thanks. As for the rest, I really think you should write them up. You write perfectly well and, well, you know people would gobble those stories up (lol @ gobble--gross!). But, if not, I still appreciate that you, erm, didn't tell me about those events, but if you had, it would probably have been embarassing, so your restraint was probably a good idea. :)
Oh my G!!! I've been gone and this was a fantastic if somewhat explosive read for my first night back on the hub....I'm laughing so hard it hurts.
maybe a bite an hour next time?
Nothing like a clean colon, mm? An A-minus? you are human, after all! You have not fallen from grace, my friend. I like you and everything, But I ain't sittin' next to you in class...
and your wife? If she stayed in the bedroom that night, it speaks of true love...
I am full of giggles here
Well I'll be dipped in sh-t and rolled in rocksalt, look who just showed up on my doorstep... Marisuewrites!!! I figured you got abducted by aliens or something. It's great to see you round these here parts again. :) WHere'd ya' go?
And yes, my wife is a real trooper. Not sure how she puts up with me in general, much less my, uh, less awesome moments. lol. (I refuse to think about that A-minus, so I will not be commenting on it :P )
Awww, I'm glad you missed me!! Thanks for that warm description of shock.....LMAO
I always thot about hub and hubbers while I was out in the jungle wondering and wandering, it was quite a painful withdrawal. My ego wasn't fed and it did get grumpy!
I had to move my co-parts from Florida back to Oklahoma, and it took all my focus to keep body and soul together. The sons were in two vehicles ahead of us driving like crazy people which caused me to have 3 nervous breakdowns during the 1350 mile trek "home." Next time, I'm just traveling with the dog. Maybe hubbie if he whines, I'm so easy.
Geeeze I missed reading your wit and wisdom!
So, here I am, back in the saddle again, blisters and all!!
Well, that sounds like a pretty terrible trip. Probably a good idea with the dog. Or better yet, just send your old man out for take out and you can stay home with the dog until he gets back. Win-win. :)
And, glad you're back. HP needs more kind, reasonable voices these days.
Aww, thank you Shades, you ALWAYS made me feel good...I have a tale to tell, and it's written, but in the editing box, as it is a little "dark" and you know me, I write about Hell, but I don't want the reading of it to be Hellish. LOL I'll lighten it up a bit and hit the ol' publish button.
I find the world is less and less kind, so I'll do my best. Yep.
Don't take off the edge. The world needs truth. Let us see it how it came out. (I'd really, really love it if you emailed me when you publish it... I cut off all HP mail, so, I miss everything I don't consciously remember to go get).
Will do...it is a bit edgy, but it describes what we've been thru lately. Hey, the Edge of Hell I think is going to be the title@!! thanks for the inspiration. coming soon...
Ummm, yeeahhhh, we call em Fart Bars around here. The peanut butter ones were my fav. I thought if I just kept eating them my system would get used to the 400% of fiber overload. But no, had to stop buying them cause it was getting worse! Like disgustingly worse.
Reminds me of the Colonix shit. Ever tried that? Cause I would love to read about it. ;)
Thanks for the laugh.
Woah, there's a product called Colonix? Good lord. What does it do, make you shoot concrete out of your backside like a jet thruster? Hows does a product like that get to market? Or, perhaps scarier, how does it STAY on the market? I hope I never have to find out. Sheesh.
That's probably the second best thing I've read on the Internet, after my favourite news story from The Times. I'm going to buy a load of those bars and leave them around my office to deter thieves.
See, Cheapskate, you got to tell me what the article in The Times was now, otherwise you just leave me hanging. As far as the FIber One Booby Trap idea,... that's just GENIUS! Imagine the fun you can have with that. You might burn in Hell for it, but for now, pretty funny.
I laughed so hard, thanks for such a great story. Am staying away from them bars. LOL thanks again!
Definitely avoid them unless you need a good colon cleansing. :) Glad you enjoyed the story.
I hate those internal rumbling noises. I've deemed them I.F.'s short for "internal farts". They are particularly annoying because at least a fart you can hold in, I.F.'s rumble on happily, sometimes as loudly as regular farts, without your ability to control them. I've tried all sorts of fiber supplements to get my intestines on track, but every once and a while, if I happen to eat food that I like, bam! I can't go for a week. Stupid intestines.
OMG, M.T. "I.F" lolol. That is exactly what they are. You can't just cap 'em and you can't just do that little, erm, shutter valve tension easing attempted whisper thing either. You just sit there and rumble. I am sooooooooo with you on the "Stupid Intestines" thing. It is definitely on my list of things to complain to God about when I croak (assuming there is a god, etc.) If he's laughing when I get up there, then I'll get it and laugh too, but if he's all serious looking and stern, then I'm going to explain it to him. :D
You make me laugh. I am new to hubpages, but I have read quit a few of the articles. You are by far the best. I could not stop laughing as I read this article. I think you could do stand-up comedy. Thanks for sharing. It is time to read another one of your articles.
Thanks, Eventsyoudesign. I am constantly telling my wife and children that I am the best, but they continuously point out flaws and mistakes I make as if that is some kind of evidence to the contrary. Thank you for confirming what I have been arguing for all along! :)
(Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed the fun).
So funny, so real, so human. Since I've begun contributing to Hubpages, in perusing the far reaches of my mind for "interesting" fodder, I realize "everything" is of interest to a writer. Now, I have to choose one topic from the cornucopia of everyday life experiences. Your's is great. Thanks
Hi Amy, thanks for those kind words. And you are quite right, everything is fodder. What most people miss, I think, is that to really get the good stuff out of anything, they have to slow down and really see--deeply, with the mind turned down and the senses turned up. Then everything has wonder. Even gas. LOL.
Thanks for great stuff!
You're welcome. :)
This absolutely cracked me up. Reminds me of the time I went camping and we had two big boxes of Fiber One bars from a wholesale club. I ate way too many of them during the trip (probably more than two on some days) and, needless to say, the car ride home was not a very pleasant experience. There's really nothing you can do to help it, either. Just gotta let it pass...
LOL, that is so funny. And if you were camping at altitude, the change in pressure must have been interesting on the way back down the hill. LOL. Glad I wasn't stuck in the car with you. :P
Well - now you've done it! I laughed so hard I had to go back and read your hub again. What fun. You are hilarious. I will never again pass by a fiber one bar without laughing myself silly. Thank you. A new fan!
Yeah, vocalcoach, just make sure you pass it by as you laugh. You stop and eat a couple, we'll see how much laughing there is. :D
Greatest Product Review...EVER. Its the first Hub besides mine or hubbies that I've ever posted on my facebook. Don't expect too much traffic, my friends suck.
I feel your pain. For the record never eat a whole roll of breathsaver mints at one time. They have the same effect.
Heh heh, okay, Melissa. If I am not deluged by your Facebook compatriots, I won't judge. :) Thanks tho.
Hi Bruce, thanks for the tip. lol. I won't ask you how you know either, I promise. (I've always wondered about the Mentos and soda thing, but I'm damn sure not going to try.)
Damn them for what they've done! Very well articulated and stamped into my mind. Personally, I'm not a big caramel fan myself - avoided a disaster. Although, I can recall your situation in class. Been there, gassed that, but maybe not quite as painful as your lovely experience. I can even recall sitting in lecture hall just with my stomach incessantly grumbling and cursing for whatever reasons - brewing alcohol from the night before, my poor college student diet, or many other stupid reasons.
Yeah, we do do it to ourselves a lot... If I didn't like drinking (and carmel I guess), I'd probably suffer less of that sort of thing in my life. But, alas, I do, so I suppose it's the price we pay, eh? I am glad you were amused, and sorry about the mind stamping thing. Maybe get a scraper and you can get that out of there. Yikes.
Great hub!
Thanks, Abbaelijah.
And my "friends" on facebook took great offense with comments of TMI (too much informtation) when I stated in a basic comment that Fiber One Product line should be changed to Fiber Blast! Thank you! Can't anyone take a joke?
You need new Facebook friends. You current ones must not get enough fiber. :)
I anm going to post this on my FB and say that "at least I was polite"....people can be such poops.
Well, that will show them. LOL. I can always use the traffic anyway, even they are offended and tell me I'm rude. I can live with that.
Let not the Facebook friends discourage you from your mission! You are doing heroic work, here.
I wwas just putting out a kind warning! Hey, I will give their kids F1 bars in their Halloween bags. A few of them in fact. Nothing wrong with a good laugh about an unpleasant human condition. I felt like a little kid being disciplined! Lighten up people. Hope they dont faint when they see the Gax Ex commercial. Thanks again. I was in tears at work with laughter. I mean all of this in all clean (out) fun! Cheers.
Xenonlit, thank you kindly for your support. I do love having the term "heroic" put in the context of me and this particular hub. It makes me grin wickedly.
Ellen, thanks again, and I'm always happy to know one of my little rants/sarcasm-laced articles has amused someone.
I wish I had read this before now. Yesterday I had my first one and today another. Guess I didn't suspect yesterdays bloating was related to the bars until today. They may taste good but they are not worth the horrific bloating.
LOL, tell me about it, Angel. I tiptoe through the Fiber One aisle when I'm at the grocery store as if each box were filled with fragile glass vessels of nitro glycerin.
"Correctol" is the same....women's gentle laxative..yes, if you're a female bear waking up after a long hibernation.
I get the same reaction with Fiber One (any of their products).
Take care...had to put an extra 2 cents in.
LOL @ "female bear". Funny stuff, Ellen. Thanks for a laugh. I guess us humans and our pipes are just, well, unbearlike.
People must have some serious problems out there to warrent such products. Anyways, I need to read your other posts especially about cats. BYE!!
Thanks for reading, Ellen, and, yes, people either have serious problems or get them... lol.
This is brilliant! I stumbled upon this after having eaten two Fiber One Brownies the other day. I laughed so hard I cried at your description--you are spot on! I take it the "One" in Fiber One is actually critical dosage information!
Hah hah!, JollyMom, I think THAT was the critical missing piece. They didn't explain that ONE thing very well on the box. LOL @ a funny comment. Thanks!
Hilarious! I have tried some of the "health" bars and at least you got one that tasted good. Most of the ones I tried tasted like shhhhhhhh it! I bet the wife is pretty proud of herself for giving you such a great memory:) lol. Now my stomach hurts from laughing! I'm sorry it took me so long to find this little gem. I wonder if MY husband would like to try a few....I'll wait until I'm sure he's doing research at one of the court houses - he could give the other researchers something to talk about! LOL
Funny and clever, and love the illustrations. Tap dancing elephants - fantastic. And then yet more super cartoons.
You're right about fibre bars too, apart from the spelling, so informative as well. Probably some kind of moral message in there too.
RealHouseWife... you should TOTALLY do that to your husband. What a hilarious and only moderately cruel joke. Spectacular idea! Do let us know how that turns out. (And no worries on finding this late.. the only reason it ended up on my FB was that for some reason it was getting a bunch of views today, and when I clicked to see why in "stats" I noticed I'd never "liked" it myself. Gotta love FB.
Hi Mark. You and your silly "fibre." There's an NFL quarterback who spelled his name like that too, "Favre" and nobody could say it, so it's pronounced "Far-v." So, based on that, I must have had a Fireb bar. Which, spoken, says, "Fire bar." Which is far more accurate, and, here, midstream as I type, suddenly realize the defense I was trying to make is wrong. It was a fire bar. I stand corrected. Fibre it is. :D
Shadesbreath - I agree - it would be funny and if you knew how much people love to gossip at the courthouses! Everyone in the metropolitan area would hear about that:) Wicked - and I love it! I am pretty positive that if I gave him to yummy health bars he would also eat them both. The research rooms are really small too:) haha! I am going to buy a box and keep them as a staple. Everytime he says the wrong thing - I will pack a special oat bar in his lunch - wonder how long it would take him to make that correlation?
lol Not so long it won't be funny no matter what. Do it.
Hilarious, great writing! Especially that I think we've all been there at least once. I sure can relate to all the funny metaphores you came up with...
On fiber :
Hi List of Symbols. Glad you enjoyed the humor. I actually checked out that link. Interesting. I never know how seriously to take any of that medical stuff though. There's so much differing opinion, and medical statistics, like all statistics, are so subject to agenda these days. Still an interesting link. Thanks for sharing.
Anyone with a foul mouth like yours should have had a bad expericence with Fiber One. Too bad it wasn't loaded with soap..lol. Never could understand people using the "f" word freely. Low mentally for sure. You got what was coming to 'ya...dude.
Well, Joan, that's what you get for finally peeking up from your knitting long enough to look into a post-Victorian world. If you're going to be that easily offended, not to mention driven to rudeness, perhaps you should ask whichever grandkid it was that talked you into trying out the Internet to show you where the power button is on your computer. Turn it off and just ride out your remaining years watching reruns of The Andy Griffith Show.
I created an account here JUST so I could commiserate. I discovered fiber one bars on a quick trip to the tiny little corner grocery on my campus. I saw them on a shelf and vaguely remembered my high school teacher harping about the dangers of low fiber intake (all invariably ended in death) and decided I would take SOMETHING from high school to heart. I set them on my desk for a few days until one early morning when I had to take my roommate's sister to a bus stop. It was early and the ride was lengthy, so I chowed down on two, and tucked another in my bag.
About three hours into the trip, I chowed down on the third one.
The agony was indescribable and didn't even kick in until later that afternoon. I have delicate intestines anyway, but this was like some sort of medieval instrument of torture was trying to give birth to triplets in my midsection. Not only that, but my other roommate had invited me and our two other roommates out to dinner at her prestigious grandparents home.
I cannot fathom how I managed to make it through the night, still speaking competently and coherently without any punctuating moans. I too, was in the same predicament and could not give birth to my triplets of torture. At some point, I noticed that I was stabbing myself in the hand with my hosts' fancy silver dining fork to distract myself. Three! How could I have eaten THREE!? I suppose I deserve what I got, but I'm absolutely sure that my roommate's grandparents thought I was a strange, antisocial, grunting neanderthal, who was only allowed into college out of pity and was also thus invited to dinner out of pity.
How could something tasty be so physically monstrous? The bumpy ride home was another level of Hell and it was only the remains of my pride that kept me from begging them to just open the windows and let me die peacefully.
After forcibly removing myself from the company of decent folk in order to protect an innocent society for several hours more, I returned to my room and discovered the box's tiny, discreet warning about gastrointestinal discomfort much to my disgusted, faintly ironic chagrin.
It's been a few months since that disastrous dinner date, which clearly was as painful for my hosts as it was for me; I was never invited back. Only today have I decided that I've healed enough emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and most of all physically to try and reintroduce (SLOWLY) fiber back into my diet. I had just one fiber one bar eaten in halves throughout the day. And still... it is agony.
I completely understand your pain. :( I also hate blue book tests. Loved the article, both because I could relate, and it was hilarious!
Shanna, not only is this the best response of all time to any of my articles ever, I am STILL laughing out loud (and notice I typed that out not the acronym version). Having been at a few of those fancy-feast feasts myself, I can imagine how mortifying that was (and am laughing AT you, even as I commiserate completely). WONDERFULLY funny comment, delightfully written, and not only am I very glad you commented on this, I sincerely hope you take that account you made and put that fantastic writing voice you have into more humor that can be shared (and maybe make you 8 cents per month). Wow, what a gem to find this comment. I'm not kidding, I hope you write more on here.
Yep, I know this problem well. It's the inulin (not to be confused with insulin), a vaguely-sweet substance that "counts" as a fiber, but actually feeds hungry, gas-producing bacteria in your GI tract. But it ups the number of grams of fiber on the nutrition information label!
Avoid INULIN and CHICORY ROOT...the same stuff. The same goes for Jerusalem artichokes. They're full of inulin, and they are deadly. Enjoy this hysterically funny recount of one woman's unfortunate experience with the stuff:
ROFL, it must be terrorism... or, counter terrorism since the artichokes are from Jerusalem? Hell, I always lose track of who the badguys are supposed to be, but just lololol. Great link. (I hope, by the way, that you took the time to read the comment above my last one. It's as least equally as amusing as that gem you linked, and you don't even have to leave the page!!!)
I am completely honored you find my agonizing description to be so well written and delighted by the follower before I even wrote anything! I hope I can live up to your expectations!
Shades: I think the "Jerusalem" in the name is a corruption of the Italian girasole (sunflower), but, hell, let's blame this on the terrrrists anyway! ;)
I just read Shanna's painful account of her experience with chicory root, and have to agree that she has tremendous writing talent. Hope she writes more on HP!
F*ck I wish I'd read this an hour sooner..... I just ate two of them damn things..... uuuggggghhhh FML
Shanna, don't worry about expectations. Just write from your heart and let that voice develop. (Read good books, all the time too, although I'm guessing you already do).
Livelonger, I think we're in luck, she added a profile and a hub earlier. It's a great start, check it out.
Crystal D, you'll be fine so long as you don't place yourself in public where ridicule is an issue. :)
Following :)
very funny indeed - although I must say they do have a warning on the box. Of course it's in small print and not as cleverly worded or outstanding as yours is LOL... Definitely stick to only one a day or if you do suddenly increase your fiber intake (healthy) drink a lot of water. The best advice is do so gradually with actual fruits and veggies and all that good stuff :)
I'm in college classes though and I totally felt for you while laughing at the story at the same time - lol great hub.
Thanks, Christin S, good advice. And what fun is there in this life if we can't laugh at ourselves, right? :D
Oh my! I burst out laughing over and over.
You are hilarious and I'm certainly a fan!
Voted UP and funny.
Thanks, Plaid Pages. Always glad to find people who can appreciate the, erm, humorous moments our lives (and our bodies) put us through, and share in the humanity of it all.
Try eating a whole box and i'll be impressed, then come back to me...
Well, Adam, as much as I love to impress people, that would be suicide.
I ate a half a box, and by male v female fitness standards, females only have to do half as much (and sometimes even less) as males, so technically, by my roundabout, nonsensical logic, I've eaten a whole box before.
Impressed now?
I wasn't in the room when it all went wrong for you, so I can only appreciate the sonorous gastronomic spectacle that might have taken place. It's been my experience that the anatomical discrepancy in colonic volume, like the difference between a fiddle and a cello, between males and females makes a relative comparison like you are trying to make somewhat academic, but, again, since I was not there, I am willing to imagine thunderous sonic outcomes of a most painful, resonant, and humiliatingly atomic conspicuousness for you despite any real evidence... in keeping with my general desire to assume gender equality, even in the arena of unspeakable disgustingness. :D
Not related to topic exactly however, but do you illustrate as well? I am pursuing a Catholic Annulment and would like to include a few illustrations (boy the Archdiocese will be happy ;))..how much do you charge for a small pic to fit in the margin or between paragraph of a gagged bride being dragged by a runaway horse and carriage?
Hi Ellen. I do illustrate a little, both my daughter and I, depending on what style you need. Price is based on what we end up doing, size, color or B&W, level of detail etc.. Something as simple as the stuff in this article wouldn't cost much at all. Send me an email (click the link up near the top that says "contact shadesbreath") and we can figure it out. Or you can reach me through my writing website at daultonbooks.com (Contact Us).
thank you for your reply...I will get back to you by the end of June.
Roger that, EGP.
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psychicdog.net Level 4 Commenter 22 months ago
LOL I'll take your advice Shadesbreath especially if I'm doing a test!