Coors Light Label Suggests Contempt for Consumer Intelligence

Ok, most people that have read much of my stuff know I love Coors Light. And I do. And I don’t care if you beer snobs out there are wrinkling up your snooty noses about it. Go ahead, see if I care. Wrinkle away. When you do that you get a piggy-nose thing going on and we can all see your nose hairs. Very nice. (I think you need a hanky, you have a little cling-on in the left one, btw.)

But I have to say, this blue mountain label thing is really sort of insulting our intelligence.

If you are not familiar with the blue mountain thing, well, I’ll catch you up.

Coors Light has on the label the image of a mountain range. When the beer is at room temperature (which should be a crime, by the way, punishable by death), the mountains on the label are white. Now I’m not even going to comment on the fact that snow is white and that, well, it could be argued that white is just as cold a color as blue. I won’t mention that at all because it’s not pertinent to my point.

So, when the beer is cold enough (around 40 or so degrees) the label mountains turn blue. The argument for this is that, and I’m quoting here, is, “Consumers tend to keep their refrigerators set to between 40º and 45º F, so the label color starts to change around 48º F and is at full color between 40º and 44º F, indicating the beer has reached the perfect temperature” (quote from HERE).

Ok, I’m sure you all spotted the unfathomable stupidity right there, but just in case you didn’t, I’m going to go ahead and break that out for you.

The label representative dude just said, “Consumers keep their refrigerators set between 40º and 45º F.” That’s what he said, you guys read it. I even provide the link if you don’t believe me when I say he said it. He said the words THEY KEEP THEIR FRIDGE AT 40º F-ING DEGREES. When he says “they” who the hell is he talking about? Some dumb-ass morons?

I mean, while my wife might occasionally consider me to be a dumb-ass moron, I, in fact, am generally not. So, that means I am a representative member of the “they” in question. If THEY (me) keep their fridge at 40 degrees, then THEY (me) must KEEP it there on purpose as the the use of the verb "to keep" implies an active role in the maintenance of temperature. Which means, I must have to actively SET my fridge to 40ish degrees if I really intend to KEEP it there. So, why, might you ask, would I choose to KEEP my fridge at 40º? Is it because I think 40º is a fun number? Forty starts with “f” just like “fridge” does. And fun starts with “f” too. So does the F-word, which really comes to mind when I think people think I’m stupid. So why would THEY (me) keep the fridge at forty?

The answer is simple: the reason anyone would KEEP a fridge at 40ish degrees is because they F-ing KNOW that 40 degrees is COLD. So why in the name of God would they need a picture of a blue F-ing mountain to tell them fridge is cold and therefore the beer is cold when they are the ones who set the goddamn thing to forty degrees to begin?

Ok, I hear what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Dude, what if your fridge isn’t working? What if it’s not actually AT 40º. How would you know if the mountain on the bottle wasn’t blue, then?”

Alright, that’s a fair question. But, it’s not an issue. And again, this goes to how the Coors Light people assume I’m a moron still.

So let’s say my fridge IS broken. Let’s say for example (if you have small children in the room who are easily terrified by horrific depictions of cruel and unspeakable things, send them out)… let’s say my beer has warmed up to room temperature. (I know, I know, it’s just a hub. It’s okay.)

So, in comes the innocent, lovable and unsuspecting Shadesbreath to grab another one. He opens up the fridge and sees a beer on the shelf. He grabs it. There’s no color-indicator on the label so he has NO way of knowing if the beer is cold…

Oh wait, yes, he does… because HIS GODDAMN HAND IS WRAPPED AROUND THE F-ING BOTTLE.

Dude, seriously… WTF happened to tactile senses for Christ’s sake? Are we really so retarded we can’t touch a can or bottle and know if it’s cold? How unfathomably moronic are we in this country if we need a stupid-ass label to tell us what our sense of touch can already tell? Dude. I swear. If America gets one IQ point stupider I’m declaring full-on Darwinian DE-volution underway. Another hundred years of this crap and we’re back to wooden tipped spears and mammoth fur underpants.

BUT WAIT! You say… what if a beer drinker has some sort of touch-sense neuro-blindness thing? You know, some disease or something where they can’t “feel” cold due to neural damage or something?

First off, … uh.. what?

But ok, I’ll play your insidious game.

So they can’t touch it and feel it’s cold. Maybe Coors Brewing Company is being so concerned for all citizens and covering for all possibilities no matter how remote.

Fine.

Two flaws there. The first is that if all they can do is rely on sight… well, when you open the fridge they can SEE the frosty condensate that forms on the outside of the bottle when the beer is cold. If it’s not there, the beer ain’t cold. So there you go.

Secondly, if they can’t feel “cold” on their hands, they won’t feel it on their lips and tongue due to the same neural condition. So, yeah. Nice try.

 So, anyway, I just wanted people to know that Coors Light thinks we’re all stupid. I’m sure the beer snobs probably think so too, thinking to themselves, “You drink Coors Light, you are stupid.” Fine, keep telling yourself that over your warm pint of vomit-thick Guinness. I’m fine with that. But, for the rest of you, be warned: corporate America has a very, very low opinion of you.